Why Am I Here?  

flinkychick 60F
4 posts
7/23/2005 5:34 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Why Am I Here?

I just joined today and I am not really sure why. Boredom? Lonliness? Grief? Curiousity? Maybe all of that, maybe none of that. There is a certain frustration with internet dating in general and one site/one member in particular and a desire for something different.
I'm sure that I am not the only one who lives two lives. One is lived on the 'net. The other full on in the real world. At the moment one life is as screwed up as the other.
In the real world, I have a wonderful, sweet and considerate lover who makes me incredibly happy. But he is a traveling man and I see him at the most twice a month. Our relationship is highly unusual. First is the age difference, he's is some two and a half decades older than me. The other is that we have a no strings relationship. This has not always been the case. We were planning to be married. Three months ago he suddenly broke it off. Two weeks ago, he asked if we could be friends still and could he see me soon. Well, 4 days ago, we were together and I learned, to my grief, why he suddenly broke our engagement. He has terminal cancer and has refused treatment. I love him even more for wanting to protect me from the heartache that is coming, but I am also angry with him for wasting all those nights we could have spent pleasing each other. I don't like it that he has chosen to forgo treatment, but I understand that he has been through cancer treatment already and he doesn't want to endure it. He has chosen quality over quantity.
Once together again, the sex was as amazing as it ever was. Some of the medications (diabetes/high blood pressure) he is on have effected his potency somewhat, but given that he is a better lover with his hands and mouth than most I have had previously, it doesn't matter much. He is very happy to add a toy or two to the mix, so there is no real problem there. When he is able to get a good hard erection he certainly knows how to use it to the best advantage. I don't know how much time we have left, but I'll take every second I can get with him.
On the 'net, it is a whole different story. I have been involved in the most frustrating and exciting letter writing relationship with a man that I met in at another site for a couple of years. First we fight, then he writes the most erotic and romantic emails, which I answer in kind. Then he finds some little detail that I have mentioned in an email to pick apart and we fight again. I've never been intimate with this man, although I have met him and can attest to the fact that he must have learned to kiss in heaven. If I wasn't curious to see if he can screw like he can kiss, I would have blocked his fool ass a long time ago and forgotten him. As it is, he is driving me insane. He just won't agree to a meet and satisfy my curiosity.
My real life lover has told me to not do without while he is traveling and to not grieve for him when he dies. I don't think I want another real life lover while I can still have him. That's why I am not sure why I joined today, except that yesterday he had to get back on the road and perhaps I just needed to be distracted. I don't know if this will be distraction enough, but at least it IS a start.

*Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.*

tamethytension 54M
2320 posts
7/23/2005 8:38 pm

All the things you list are all reasons for the rest of us as well. In the end, if you allow it, and ignore the ignorant, you will find this a release. There is a burgeoning community of very supportive people here. In time they will find you ... seek them among the more popular blogs and those who regularly respond with pithy remarks to those same posts. We are not always of like mind ... who would want that? ... but we are kindred spirits.

I wish it were under better circumstances, but I welcome you to BlogLand as the locals call it.


PS> I normally am not so forward to comment on one's inter-personal relations unsolicited ... yet perhaps mentioning him here you are doing just that. But I must say that your email friend is sending up all manner of RED FLAGS that suggest you should be VERY CAREFUL.. this is very controlling, manipulative behaviour on his part ... even if he is quite the charmer ...

frbnkslady 48F
6183 posts
7/24/2005 1:45 pm

Welcome.. You will know what you are looking for when you find it. When you are ready it will show up.
You sound like a very strong woman..enjoy all the time you have left with this man. Tell the other good-bye...doesn't sound like a good one. You need to talk, we are all here, most have been through hard times, most have survived or are surviving. Life is ahrd, but lots easier to bear with friends around to help carry the burden.


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