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REVEALED: Secret society of ASSHATS!!!
REVEALED: Secret society of ASSHATS!!!
I was almost ready to brag on this site and its noticable improvement in service this week... until I posted this article 17 hours ago and has yet to post when I see so many others showing up in under two hours. I'm resubmitting this one in the hopes of knocking it out of blog limbo.
At Wal-mart, certain checkout aisles have signs over them that say “Express Checkout: 20 items or less.”
Now, one might think that these are in place for a person with only a few items to check out faster than some one with three carts full of groceries. I am here today to dispel that myth.
“Express Checkout: 20 Items or Less” is actually a code phrase used by a secret clan of incompetent asshats. These idiots have members nationwide, in every town, regardless of size.
To the people of this clandestine sub-culture, “Express Checkout: 20 Items or Less” actually can mean a number of things, depending on the day of the week, the time of day, and how busy the store is at that moment. Some of the possible interpretations include:
1. Use this lane if you have more than 20 items ‒ because your time is more valuable than anyone else’s, and the rules don’t apply to you.
2. Use this lane if you have less than twenty items ‒ per separate shopping list you have for each of the five different people who sent you to the store.
3. Use this lane if you know the cashier personally and want to talk to her for ten minutes.
4. Use this lane if you don’t know the cashier, but you think she is getting paid to talk to you.
5. Use this lane if you are paying with an ATM card and have no idea how to use the keypad.
6. Use this lane if you are paying with a maxed out credit card that will be rejected.
7. Use this lane if you are paying with a check and do not realize you can dig out your check book and start filling out the check BEFORE every single item is rung up.
8. Use this lane if you are paying with a check and must write down your balances before moving out of the way and allowing some one else to pay for their merchandise.
9. Use this lane if you are paying with a check that has none of the required information already printed on it, and you don’t have a photo ID.
10. Use this lane if you are paying only with coins.
11. Use this lane if you feel the obsessive-compulsive need to count out the exact change instead of handing the cashier an extra dollar bill.
12. Use this lane if you intend to pay with large bills that you know the cashier will not be able to break for you.
13. Use this lane if you have ten items without price tags on them.
There you have it, folks ‒ a portion of the asshat secret code deciphered for you. I hope it helps you the next time you must endure the agony of Wal-mart. I will post further updates on this secret society as new information is made known to me.
Henceforth, they will be known as the A.S.S. (Asshat Secret Society.)
Indices of Noteworthy Posts
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11/2/2005 4:56 am
We have basket only lanes... should be basket case lanes.|
I have seen some with 3 baskets
Others cant read and use a trolley... trick is to unload
quickly when cashier, not looking.....
and if it says 10 items or less... then more than one item
of a product, doesnt count
11/2/2005 7:50 am
Have you ever been behind one of the founding members of A.S.S.? They are able to perform 5 or more of the above tasks at the same time. lol Hope the store don't close before this lil blue-haired, shakin' too bad to write a blank check, no IDed, no price tagged item, old lady gets the hell out of the way!!! "Can I have a manager to the express checkout, please?" Goodgodamighty, ya'll!!! Later|
11/2/2005 11:32 am
Passing this along to all my friends and family within the company. Just hilarious!|
11/2/2005 11:47 am
Can I get a price check on Trojans?
14. Use this lane if you want to keep all your clothing on the orginal hangers.
15. Use this lane if you want to argue every price is wrong.
16. Use this lane if you want each item individually bagged and double bagged.
11/2/2005 11:53 am
LMAO (spews morning coffee)|
11/4/2005 12:27 am
Pondering...would an asshat require one or two hats?|
One really big one, or two smaller ones...one for each cheek?
Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.
11/4/2005 3:20 pm
Sleeplessknight, I hate that. They have five different kinds of items, but in total, they have 60 items. UUGHH!|
Plow, I know, man. It’s enough to make you want to tear some one’s head clean off and shit down their throat.
Jez, I hope she appreciates it.
DT, maybe we can start a movement.
Redlips, thanks for the additions. Those are GREAT!
Tiller, sorry about the coffee, luv.
Daphne, there are various styles. You’re likely to see all kinds of crazy stuff!