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POST # 200. This one is for DT.
POST # 200. This one is for DT.
Well, folks, I have been known from Day 1 for my openness and honesty here in Blogland. Pick a cliché: I don’t pull my punches. I tell it like I see it. I say what I mean and mean what I say. What you see is what you get.
Until recently. In these past few weeks, I have failed to mention a very important occurrence in my life, an omission that I aim to correct now.
As most of you know, last month I drove to Tennessee to meet DefiniteTrouble, with the hopes of sparking a true romance and the kind of lasting relationship that can result from the convergence of two like minds.
I have been here almost a month, and I have said nothing about our adventures, passions, conversations, or any other detail pertaining to us. I have been reserved because she and I discussed it beforehand and decided to keep our private lives private. It seems I have taken it too far, or perhaps too literally.
This is my 200th post, a special hallmark in my blog, and I choose to dedicate it to DT, to Us, to our future together.
Since I arrived here in Tennessee, DT has been wonderful to me. She has taken care of me and seen to every need, desire, and trivial whim I have expressed to her. She has literally treated me like a king. “King” doesn’t even do it justice. I feel more like an Emperor or a Caesar. She has taken care of me like no one else ever has.
She and I have connected in a way that is hard to explain to some one who has never experienced this kind of relationship. I pick up the phone to call her, and it rings in my hand where she is calling me. I call her and leave a voice mail just as she IMs me a message to say hi. Our minds are connected, no matter how far apart we are.
We laugh at everything. We laugh at the world, at ourselves, at each other. My sides hurt after I spend time with her because we laugh so much.
Sometimes she curls up beside me to get warm (she says I produce more body heat than any human should.) She almost always goes to sleep, because she works so hard all the time, and she is always tired. It feels so good to have her curled up in my arms. I know she is sleeping because she feels safe with me, and even when she’s laying on my arm funny and it goes numb, I won’t move, not an inch, not even when it goes from numb to hurting. My baby needs her sleep, and I’d let my arm drop off before I’d risk waking her just for my own comfort.
When she sleeps like that, with her head on my shoulder or my chest, I smile so broadly that my head almost hinges backwards. She doesn’t see the smile; she’s asleep. I smile because I think back to relationships I have had in the past, none of which worked out, and I realize they did not work out because the women chose me. I did not choose them; I just went along for the ride, only for it to fall apart eventually. But then I look at DT, and I smile, because I feel hope. I feel hope because we have chosen each other. It is not one-sided.
In recent days we have argued and been at odds. This is almost entirely my fault, and I get sick when I think about how much I have upset her when all she wants is to be good to me and be good for me.
You see, I wear two masks, one under the other. The outer mask is open and friendly, designed to make people think they know me. It is a pleasant mask that indicates courage, integrity, and empathy. This is the mask I show the world, the mask I wear in these blogs. I am open here. I am friendly here. I am honest here.
These aspects you see in my blog are true and real, but ultimately, they are just distractions. I disclose specific facts and aspects of myself in order to create a contrived representation that is true, but incomplete without appearing incomplete. The result is that people think I am honest, and I really am. They think we are friends, and we really are. They think they know me and understand me, but they really do not. They know and understand what I let them know and understand. Nothing more. Nothing less. People ask me how I can be so open in a public forum like this. It is because it is only the tip of the iceberg. For all that I show here, there is so much more beneath the surface.
Underneath my outer mask is another mask, one devoid of any features, like a flat plate with holes for my eyes and mouth. Forged of ice-cold steel, nothing gets behind that mask. Never.
DT and I are arguing because she knows I am hiding behind my second mask, and she wants inside. I want to let her inside. I trust her enough to let her in, to let her know all there is to know. One of the main reasons I came to Tennessee is that I sensed that she would understand and accept all of who I have been, all that I am, and all that I can be.
The only problem is that I don’t know how to get this second mask off. I’ve worn it so long that it has grafted to my face. I’m trying, but she’s frustrated, and it is understandable. I’ve been here a month, and it seems she is no closer to me than when we started. From my point of view, I can see she is much closer, but I understand why she feels like she does. The movement has been like the hands of a clock. The more closely you watch it, the harder it becomes to see it move.
Then she sees me “opening up” here on the blog, telling things that I haven’t even told her yet, like the second post about my dead friend. I tried to explain that I am still not used to having a confidant, that my writing is still my primary way of dealing with things. I did not think the post would upset her, but it did, and now that it has happened, I can see why she is upset. I can see why she thinks I prefer the blog to her. I should have talked to her about it first, but understanding comes too late. The damage is already done. For all I know, writing these things about us on here may upset her even more, but I hope not, because I am trying to make things right. I’m trying to make things solid and good, and this is the only way I know to do it, the only thing I have not tried.
She has pointed out to me that I do not talk about her in my blogs, as if I am ashamed of her or worried that I’ll become less popular here. That is not the case. I have not talked about her simply because we agreed to keep our lives private, and because I started this blog as a personal endeavor, and I have not fully adjusted to the concept of not being alone. The blog is fun, but in the grand scheme of events, it is a trivial thing. She would never ask me or expect me to stop blogging for her sake, but if she did ask, I would stop.
I certainly am not ashamed of her or the powerful bonds we share! I think DT is amazing. She is a warrior, a tenacious fighter, a fierce friend and a worthy opponent, but she can also be a beautiful and wonderfully sensitive woman when she feels safe enough to let that side of her show. I am honored that she lets me see that side of her heart, the beating muscle under the armor. She is at least as smart as I am, probably more so. She is as intuitive as a gypsy fortune teller and as hard headed as a mule with a tooth ache, but both of those are good things, because without those traits, she would not be my equal, my match, my complimentary angle. But she is those things to me, and I am terrified that I am going to lose her if I can’t figure out some way to show her what she means to me and make her believe me.
So typing this here for all of Blogland to see is my last resort. I risk her wrath and our relationship by posting this, but it is all I know to do, because she knows I do not lie when I write in the blog. If I type it here, it is true.
I trust DT. I want us to be essential parts of each other’s lives. I want to tell her everything there is to know about me. I have not trusted anyone this much in years. I have not loved anyone in years. DT is the first woman I’ve met that makes me hope that I can still feel love. I just need time to remember how.
Regardless of what happens, I know she and I will remain true friends, but I want us to be more than that, and she wants more too. If we can just get through all the walls I have built around my fucked up head and heart, we are going to be fine, but she has already given me so much and received so little in return... I know she is getting tired of my bullshit, and I cannot blame her for it. I realize I have issues. Lots of issues. I can't blame her if she decides to dump me. I deserve it.
But I am trying. I really am.
Please do me a favor and do not comment in this post. I want it to stand alone, my words only. It is a public post, but I intend it only to be read. If I could turn commenting off for specific post, I would do it this once, because this one really is just for DT
If anyone except DT posts comments in this specific post, I will delete them. Please honor my wishes in this matter.
11/4/2005 1:03 pm
Part of me is glad I didn't read this yesterday, as my frame of mind might not have provided a clear, rational reply. The other part of me wishes I had read this yesterday, as I fear my reply might not be as emotional as it should be after sharing our deeply-rooted conversation last night.|
My first reaction upon reading this? Honestly, I was a little upset that you posted such a deeply private issue. This is not what I expected you to post when it came to matters concerning us. After reading it over and over, taking some time to absorb it all, and reading it once again, I realized that this is quite possibly the most revealing post within your blog. I appreciate the difficulty you must have had, not only writing this, but posting such for the whole world to see.
Your posts are riddled with comments here and there regarding me. You never fail to mention me, or reply favorably when prompted. If I remember correctly, and I do, you’ve devoted posts dedicated to my defense. When I stated to you that you never discuss "us" in your blog, I meant the comical stories you always mention writing based on our actual escapades, something along the line of the post I did on our trip to the zoo. There are so many. And these are the pieces of information that should be shared with our friends here. Sure, I could share them myself, but you're the skilled writer of this duo, and you have the ability to tell such wonderful stories in detail. We've both been bombarded with questions from others over the past month or so regarding the nature of our relationship, and we've both chosen to keep our responses short and light-hearted. Not just because we're both such private individuals, but because we're still learning and still growing and often can't give definitive answers to those questions.
The second post regarding Ford upset me tremendously. Not because you posted it and shared it with the world, but because you didn't share the depth of your continued pain with me before doing so. Yes, I'd been working out-of-state for the past week, and that alone was difficult enough for both of us. You were notified of her death the night before I was scheduled to leave. I was hesitant about leaving, but with your good wishes and insistence that I do so, I left the following morning assured you were handling the situation just fine. I thought the time alone might help your healing process. But as we talked over the weekend, I realized you weren't in the best frame of mind.
I worried to the point of literal illness. It was then that your focus turned from Ford and your healing process to me and my obvious inability to cope being away from you. And I knew that wasn't what was best for you at the time. You see, the one thing I’ve known about you from the time we first started communicating on here is how hard it is for you to develop a solid, trusting relationship. And Ford was just that. Dealing with her death, someone you’d shared so much with, wasn’t going to be easy. The more we talked, the more concerned I became. So, with negotiations brought to a halt, I made it known that I wouldn't be sticking around until mediations resumed, and I hopped the first flight back home.
It was Halloween. The thought of us missing our first "holiday" together didn't sit well, and I wasn't going to allow that to happen, especially not while you were dealing with so many emotional issues, my health being one of them. We spent most of the 36 hours I had free cuddled in bed laughing. You never mentioned Ford, but instead focused on getting my mind and body restored for my upcoming negotiations. Your second post appeared just as I was about to leave. I was enraged that you hadn't expressed such to me privately and that I had to read it here. I was enraged at myself for not seeing your pain, appearing selfish, and feeling a great amount of guilt. I decided it would be best for me to cancel the remainder of my trip so I could, if nothing else, just hold you.
But, once again, you became the responsible one, reminding me that I couldn't shun this client or these negotiations, you knew how vital the contract was to my career, and you saw how easily I was prepared to toss it all away, knowing at some point I might feel resentment toward you in the future for doing so. Would I have resented you one day? I highly doubt such. But, you had the insight to realize it was a possibility and you didn't want to find out later. So, once again, you nudged me out the door, assuring me we were fine and you'd be happily awaiting my return.
The next two days were completely horrid. And without revealing all the nasty details, we both realized we weren't in a good place. Our "heated discussions" turned into fierce battles. It's really not pretty when two people such as ourselves argue. We fight as passionately as we love. We're so much alike, sharing so many of the same characteristics. You're such a sarcastic, stubborn, smartass. I'm such a sarcastic, stubborn, smartass. It can be very frustrating. You always search for the “right” and “wrong” within the debate. And I think you’re starting to understand, with me, unlike many of your prior relationships, “right” and “wrong” don’t exist, only differing opinions and viewpoints. No one could even begin to imagine the torment we’ve been through since we began communicating privately months ago nor the sacrifices we’ve made for one another. Yes, you have issues. Then again, so do I. We knew that before you packed up and headed my way. And now, they’re our issues. We knew it wasn’t going to be easy. We’re going to have bad days, and we’re going to be human, exhibiting behavior neither one of is fond of letting surface, yet both of us are so easy to let explode. But, with each day, it gets easier. With each argument, a little more is revealed.
For every day you’ve felt like a king, know I’ve felt like a queen twice over. You take care of me as much as I take care of you. There is no warmer, more secure, or more reassuring place than wrapped in your arms. I have revealed a side of me to you very few ever see. No one understands me or allows me to be myself the way you do. We’re equals in every aspect.
Our connection is hard to explain. I gave up trying to understand it long ago. It’s there, it’s endured sheer hell, and it’s not going away. We’ve both struggled with just the right words when trying to describe our feelings for one another, how we define our relationship, and we’ve yet to find that one perfect word. We’re much more than just friends. We’re much more than lovers. We’re much more than confidants. As I sit here today, reading your post, struggling to respond as eloquently as possible, that word has finally surfaced, no matter how cliché it might seem. Everything. You’re simply my everything. And I think I shall introduce you as such. It is, after all, much more polite than saying “Hello, this is my asshat.”
Last night was a new beginning in our never-ending journey. My intuition was accurate concerning the demons that had tormented you for so very long. Your fear of opening up and my walking away was not only laid to rest, but you found that I could relate to your experiences much better than you ever imagined. I know how hard it was for you to talk about these things, reliving every moment in your mind, going through the turmoil all over again. But you did, and once you got started, the words came easier with each passing moment. And I sat there, not judging, not criticizing, not seeing the monster. I listened, we discussed, and we held one another. And we knew, once again, that we’re where we want to be, where we’ve chosen to be, and where we’ll stay. Together.
(And now that you've shared this so openly, I feel it's only fair that I discuss with our friends what they REALLY want to hear. The "pillow talk." Only you and I know at this point how truly shocked they're going to be, lol. Kisses baby. See you at dinner... )
11/4/2005 9:38 pm
DT, Go ahead and share that pillow talk. I know you've been keeping a list...|
Thank you for being you and for accepting me as I am, because I can only be me.
also, thank you for not lodging my testicles into my nostrils for having the nerve to post what I did.
11/4/2005 10:49 pm
Now what good would your testicles do me lodged in your nostrils? I really don't fancy licking your nose...|
You being you...I wouldn't have it any other way.