It's cunnilingus, not nuclear physics!  

five_speed 41M
3250 posts
8/22/2005 11:06 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

It's cunnilingus, not nuclear physics!

A recent post in [blog talldarkavg1] and my recent experiments with erotica have placed oral sex firmly in the front of my mind. I have wondered about this for some time. I don’t understand how men screw it up.

I mean, you can get fancy, but the basics work well enough, and they are relatively straightforward. Here are the ground rules as I understand them. Ladies, please feel free to correct me if I am wrong.

First, let’s talk about preparation.

Cut your finger nails, caveman! Cut them back until they are ready to bleed! No snag nails, no hanging cuticles! If you do have a little bit of a nail left, make sure there is no dirt under them! If you have a callous or two, hit them with a pumas stone. If you have many calluses, keep those dick beaters away from anything that is pink, or use latex gloves to smooth them out (unless she likes it rough and rugged, of course.)

Shave your chin, stud! We’re not stunt doubles on Miami Vice! If your whiskers are long enough to be soft, then you’re probably ok, but if you run your hand down your jaw line and it peels the hide off your hand like a lettuce shredder, you need to shave, and make sure you don’t miss any spots. (disclaimer: Some women like the texture of stubble. If you don’t know her preference and have no opportunity to ask, play it safe and go smooth.) If you don’t have a chance to shave, just remain aware of what you are doing. You can usually use your own hands to shield her from the sandpaper effect. For example, place your chin in the palm of your hand and keep it there. Use your middle finger in her vagina. Use your index and ring fingers to spread her outer lips and to act as a buffer to keep that scraggly briar patch under your nose from rubbing her raw. Use your tongue in the gap left by your middle finger.

Brush your teeth, yuckmouth! or at least chomp a tic tac before you get busy. Most female genitalia has its own distinct flavor and aroma ‒ even if she’s just got out of the shower. It is often pleasant, but sometimes is an acquired taste… either way, I’ve found that it doesn’t mix well with bad breath. You will have a better time if your mouth is clean, and there are fewer risks of her getting infections or other complications if you haven’t just ate a rare steak and a beer. I carry a little bottle of Listerine with me and some dental floss when I go on a date. After dinner, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom to freshen up the ol’ choppers. Look at it this way: if your breath smells like four day old road kill, you definitely have no hope of getting more than a goodnight smooch. (If she chokes back vomit after kissing you, you might want to start using my Listerine idea.)

To summarize: cut your finger nails, shave, and maintain good breath.

Alright, I started to type out an exhaustive explanation of the anatomy and physiology involved, but I want to keep this as simple as possible. So here are a few pointers to get you started in the right direction:

1)While the basic anatomy is the same from one woman to the next, individual preferences vary greatly. You have to be adaptable. If she’s vocal and comfortable with her body, ask her what she likes and then deliver. If she’s not sure what she likes, but is eager to help, take it slow and ask if what you’re doing feels good. Then adjust based on what she says. If she isn’t vocal or is timid, watch her body for cues. Are her outer lips flushed and swollen? Is her clit hard as a rock? Is she dripping juice faster than you can lick it up? Are her hips gyrating like some kind of NASA astronaut G-force training device? These are all good signs and are easy to spot.

But you might have to watch and listen for more subtle clues. Listen to her breathing to get faster and shallower. Listen for whimpers and moans. Feel for her pulse while you’re down there. Chances are you’ll find it somewhere. If you are using fingers in her vagina, feel for it to lengthen, become more rigid, and get wetter. Does she twitch or gasp when you do something a certain way? Do it again. You’ll be able to tell the second time if she twitched because she liked it or because she didn’t. Pay attention to how she moves her body. Is she trying to put something in your mouth or get something away? Eating pussy is just like petting a cat: If you can convince the finicky thing to sit still and let you pet it, it will show you where and how it wants petted if you just pay attention to what it is trying to show you.

2) Remember: you aren’t eating a combo meal and McWendy King on a ten minute lunch break. You’re eating a gourmet entrĂ©e prepared by a world-class chef. Take your time and enjoy every inch of her, and don’t slurp your soup! She wants to feel sexy and maybe a little naughty, but she probably doesn’t want to feel like a trough where the pigs come to slop. You may be fighting for every precious breath of air, but don’t let it sound that way.

Don’t dive straight for the clit (unless that’s how she likes it, of course.) Take your time, man! She is giving you unrestricted access to one of her most sensitive areas. How would you feel if you asked for a blow job and she lunged straight for your crotch while gnashing her teeth like a starved rabid pit bull?

They call it going down for a reason. I think good oral sex starts with the lips on her face, not the ones in her crotch. Kiss her, man! If you can make her toes curl with a kiss, then you’ve already started a chain reaction that you can keep building on until she melts, and there are LOTS of hot spots you can hit on your way down from her face to her crotch.

In fact, bypass her crotch completely if you want. Pass close enough that she thinks you’re going to touch it, but then keep going down the insides of her thighs, across the backs of her knees, all the way to her toes. Then switch to the other foot and work your way back up to the spot you passed on the way down. Watch her body. Listen to her body. It will tell you when you hit a sweet spot.

3) Once you do settle in and get busy, I don’t have much advice for you, except to remember every woman is different ‒ they like different amounts of pressure. Some like sucked, some like licked, some like nibbled, some like fingers… If she’s not dropping any clues, go slow, and start out easy. You’ll be much better off if you start out too easy as opposed to starting too rough. Don’t forget the rest of her body while you’re doing tongue gymnastics. If you have a free hand, you can use it for other things, ya know. Some women like to have their breasts massaged, or their asses squeezed/spanked. Some like to have their lower backs stroked… the point is to remain aware of her as a whole being. Don’t fixate on a few square inches of flesh and forget about the rest of her.

4) Last of all let’s talk about the anus for a second. The brown eye. The chocolate starfish. Some women like some anal play while you’re in the same vicinity. I don’t recommend that you experiment with her on this without discussing it first, because it seems to be one of those things a person really enjoys or really hates, and you don’t want to find out which it is “in the heat of the moment.” Before you get brave and surprise her with a finger up her bum, remember that your head is situated between the largest voluntary skeletal muscles in her entire body, and it only takes seven pounds of pressure to snap a human neck!

The only thing I will say is that you should be very careful about which fingers you use for what. If you’ve had a finger in her ass, don’t stick it in her pussy. I know they do it in pornos all the time, but what you don’t see in the porno is the woman not eating for a day before the shoot and the very thorough enema and disinfection she gets immediately beforehand. Baring these kinds of preparations, if you insert an object in a woman’s ass and then put it in her puss, you’re liable to cause her all kinds of health problems. That goes for the tongue as well, although rimming is usually fairly safe if she’s fresh out of the shower or bath.

Many pornos don’t show the lubricating stage either. To watch them, you’d think he’s just fingering her ass dry, and I guess he might be in some of them, but if you watch closely, the finger may go in dry, but it almost always comes out wet, and the anal tract generates no natural lubrication. If you stick a dry finger in her ass without lubing her up first… well, just remember ‒ seven pounds of pressure…

While I’m talking about porn, if you want a better idea of what you should be doing, don’t pay attention to the scenes where the guy is going down on a woman. What makes you think he has any idea of what he’s doing more than you do? Fast forward through those parts, but when you get to a good lesbian scene, put that sumbitch on slo-mo, sit back, and take notes. Personally, I recommend watching a porn star known to be lesbian or bi ‒ like Janine. She really gets into her scenes. I’ve picked up a trick or two from watching her.

Alright, High Speed, that’s all I have for you. It should get you in the right direction, assuming you have a solid knowledge of the anatomy involved. It’s not everything there is to know. It’s not even everything I know, but I have to keep a few secrets, right? If you want to be good at it, get out there and learn it on your own the same way I have. Just remember:

YOU NEVER KNOW IT ALL. EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT. One woman might like a little bit of tongue on her clit only, while another may want three fingers in her puss, a thumb in her ass, and your tongue doing Metallica rifts on her clit.

So ask her. Listen to her. Watch her body. Listen to her body. Take it slow and easy at first. Enjoy her. Enjoy yourself.

Be careful - and failing that, name the baby after me.


xx_44DD_xx 51F

8/23/2005 4:38 am

This needs to be published!! Bravo Bravo!!


five_speed 41M

8/23/2005 9:03 am

*Bows left. Bows right. Bows Center*

Thank you 44DD! I'm am very pleased to see you approve!


five_speed 41M

8/23/2005 9:09 am

nbtnt: Thanks bunches for the reminder about nail files. I forgot to mention it because I usually clip my nails before I shave, so I just file them down with the sandpaper on my chin while I'm rinsing with mouth wash or plucking my eyebrows.

As for bypassing the crotch, well, I knew a woman once who could have an orgasm just from having her lower back stroked or her toes sucked. She was a lot of fun to play with.


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
8/23/2005 12:20 pm

I think I almost clapped when you mentioned clipping fingernails. Way too many men just don't get it and if they can't take a hint or a blatant suggestion then they just don't get IT.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


five_speed 41M

8/23/2005 2:42 pm

Daphne, if he doesn't get it, trick him into letting you put your finger in his mouth. Then rake your nail on the inside of his cheek or against his gums. That will give him a hint of how it feels for you.


five_speed 41M

8/23/2005 8:55 pm

Huny, If I made a list of things I'd like to be known for...

being known as an expert on pussy licking would definitely be in the top five!

heh heh heh... maybe I should have business cards drawn up... "Cunning Linguist Consulting - there's always more than one way to lick a cat!"


Ana_6973 43F

8/24/2005 12:21 am

You'd have me purring like a kitten.

~~"I can scream as loud as your last one, but I can't claim innocence."~~


redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
51F

8/24/2005 9:44 am

*kudos..*


ah, a man that gets it..sighs...


TTFN


five_speed 41M

8/24/2005 11:25 am

anna, it would be a pleasure.


five_speed 41M

8/24/2005 11:27 am

redlipsprincess, i get it, but these days I don't get IT as often as I'd like... *sigh* the pros and cons of living single...


five_speed 41M

8/25/2005 3:48 am

Humbolthonni,

From what you and other women have told me, it's obvious that some men don't know how to read a woman's reactions, or maybe they just don't pay attention. I am not qualified to say which it is...

but for me, it always seemed like a naturally obvious thing to do.

I still remember the first time I ever performed oral sex for a woman - it was my second sexual partner and only the 4th time I'd ever has sex. I wasn't a vigin, but I still felt like a cherry.

I had read about how to perform oral sex, but I'd also read about how men seem to screw it up. She wasn't dropping too many hints beyond the fact she obviously expected me to do it. Watching her reactions just seemed like the most obvious thing to do since I had no other way to know if I was doing it right or not. When she fidgeted away from me or jerked down, I figured that meant I did something wrong. When she held my face to her or bucked up against me, I figured that meant I was doing something right. I didn't get too adventurous that first time. I figured out one or two things she seemed to like and stuck with them until she'd had enough. Later she let me play a game where I got to touch and kiss her all over. I found that I really enjoyed figuring out ways to make her squirm. It's still my favorite game.

Since then I've gotten more confident and adventurous, but the basic concept still applies.

Listen to her body. It will tell you when you hit a sweet spot.


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