Is there a page in the book for me?  

five_speed 41M
3250 posts
11/1/2005 10:55 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Is there a page in the book for me?

An old friend of mine was brutally murdered by her husband last week.

In my initial post, Ford and Hasbro, I talked about what kind of person she was, and I posted a comment at the end that describes the details of her murder. When she could run no further, death came quickly for her. It helps to know that she was not in pain for long. But she had minutes beforehand to think, to feel, to be afraid, and I wonder in those minutes if she thought of me at all, if she felt the same betrayal that was evident on her face all those months ago when I told her I would not stay.

I know it is foolish and unnecessarily painful to wonder such things, and perhaps somewhat arrogant as well, to imagine a person’s dying thoughts might have turned to me for even the briefest instant, but I cannot stop thinking about it even though I realize I will never ever know.

I feel some guilt for leaving West Virginia. I had a few very good and true friends there, who were always there for me if I needed them. I never relied on them much simply because that is my not way, but I know they would have done anything for me. No one wanted me to leave. Almost everyone tried to convince me to stay, but I was resolute. My course was set, come hell or high water. But now that Ford is dead, the guilt has mutated into something malignant.

I spent four years with one of the most well-trained and elite military units in the world. I’m no Rambo or Chuck Norris or Steven Segal, and to be perfectly honest, I didn’t even see that much real combat. I do not struggle with flashbacks or post traumatic stress syndrome or any of the other problems some soldiers must bear. But I do struggle every day with the fact that I consider killing a perfectly viable solution to a conflict.

Trained to kill; trained not to care, but the truth is that I didn’t care before I joined the service. I did not join so they could make me a monster. I joined because I already was a monster. My emotions have never been right, not even as a child.

When I first became a civilian again, I wanted to train SWAT. I thought the time I spent and the destruction I wrought could mean something, could be turned to a good cause, if I could train others how to not get killed. But it didn’t work out.

So I exist on this mudball, day in and day out, wondering, why am I like I am? Why do I know the things I know? Can I do any good with this? Can I use this knowledge to make a positive difference, balance the scales, redeem myself? I look for the opportunity, wait for it, dream of it, wish for it, live for it.

Then I hear a good friend is dead, and I realize that she would probably still be alive had I been there, or if I had imparted to her even a sliver of what I know. But I didn’t stay, and I didn’t teach her, and now she is dead. Maybe she would be gone regardless, but in my heart, I don’t believe that. I believe I failed her, and she died because of it.

The really screwed up part is that I can’t even grieve for her like I think I should. When I first read the news, there was a spike, a shock. I felt it. I felt sorrow and grief. I wrote about her while I felt it, but it was just a flash. Then it was gone. Now I feel an emptiness in my mind, as if her memory is less substantial now that I realize she is gone, and I think I feel regret that I will never see her again, but that’s it. The waters of my mind are placid and so very cold. It was the same when my grandfather died, when my uncle died, when my ranger buddies died.

I don’t know what to think anymore.

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jim5131 55M
1296 posts
11/1/2005 12:57 pm

Odd that you and I are alike in this sort of mentality. You touch on somethng I've felt through several funerals in the past 10 years.

There IS a shock, then a slow tapering back to normality. Not a denial of reality, just a quick acceptance and back to doing what we do. There is a sense of loss, to be sure, but we have it in our minds that there is little we can do about it and practicality takes over.

We have a way of numbing our own senses to mitigate the loss. We realize the circle of life has claimed another, just as it will someday claim us. Done. Move on.

Is this right? Isn't there SOMETHING I should feel bad about?

Did we get into the military because it seemed a locical step, given our upbringing and predisposition? Just like the next step above high school football was boot camp?

Sort addition to all that, the things that kept others from joining the service, like to kill or be killed, were just as real to us but less of a worry. We accepted the fact that we might need to kill and we need to do so with little or no feeling. We might've thought we were invincible once, but when you realize the dangers of simply training, many knew they weren't cut out for the business.

I didn't think military service changed all that many people that I knew served..most were like 'that' before they got in. Those that were uncomfortable before were uncomfortable throughout. I think combat changed a lot of guys, and I'm including myself in the mix. I just don't think it did that much to me. Some guys flipped out from fear or the sights.... I'm fine..

We all have it, 5er. Some of it is buried deep. Sometimes its just under the surface of our skin. We see death, even to those we love, and we dismiss it quickly and move on.

After I got out, I made a decision to reattach myself and became a better person for it. Not that I was bad before, just different.

I wonder sometimes how deep this goes...being out of my element. Trying to make a new element for my being.

good post...sir

SibylBatchAxile 43M
384 posts
11/1/2005 1:01 pm

five, it's not foolish to think those thoughts - it's human. Nor is it unusual to feel guilt.

But the fact of the matter is that it's OVER. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's the truth. Nothing can be done about it now, and I am SURE that your friend wouldn't have wanted you to be going through this and questioning yourself and feeling the pain that you do.

And while you may not 'feel' anything, the fact that you wrote this post means that something is going on deep down inside your heart.

Whether it's right or wrong or whatever...a part of you is numb inside. I can identify with that. I have a fairly large streak of apathy as far as the majority of the human race is concerned. I refuse to hunt and kill wild animals (of course, I would do it if my survival depended on it. I just won't do it for 'sport'.) But quite honestly, I would rather go and shoot people - so many of them deserve it more than a defenseless animal..

But because of the job I do, I need to be numb inside. I need that apathy. If I didn't have it, I would go crazy. I would also lose my perspective, and that would be a very bad thing working in a prison.

However, you are not a murderer.. You still feel, even if you don't think you do.. And that has to count for something.

I can't really give you any advice, although I wish I could.. But this is a lesson that you have to deal with for yourself. Just know that there are a lot of people here that care about you, as well.

You are still alive (yes I know that may be bitter to hear, but again it's the truth.) You can make a difference in the world - and I think that many of us in BlogLand would agree that you already have. You have touched our lives in a way that wouldn't be possible if it wasn't for the net.

You didn't fail anyone 5er. Whatever happened did so for a reason, whether you coose to believe that or not. But if you keep up along these lines, you WILL fail yourself. And I am sure that your friend wouldn't have wanted that to happen. I know I don't want to see that happen, and I barely know you.

I sincerely hope my words help you in some way..

Thank you for sharing, and know that my thoughts are with you.

tillerbabe 55F

11/1/2005 2:18 pm


First, she did think of you - we all think of al the people we knew in those last seconds of life. And she's still thinking of you.

Can you know that she is "OK" now? That the grief your feeling may have to do with you-her? What I'm trying to say is: She's OK! Funerals and grief are for the living....don't "cry for her"..but comfort yourself. You did all you could. And believe are WAY more normal than you realize.

You need to embrace yourself, forgive yourself.

WE are all "HUGGING" you..hug yourself back K? {=}

dranba 39F

11/1/2005 3:28 pm

5, I know the numbness you describe. From my own experiences, it is a survival mechanism - forcing me to get on, puncuated with hits of reality. And this stems from events early in my life.

As for the guilt, it's understandable, but Ford's death isn't your fault. It may feel like that at the moment, maybe for a long time to come. I really hope not.

I would like to repeat DariusCole "you have touched our lives in a way that wouldn't be possible if it wasn't for the net" - this is so true. I can honestly say that you have touched mine.

I kinda what to say more but it's a little too personal for me. I will be thinking of you, and Fords family.

kyplowboy22 61M

11/1/2005 4:02 pm

Wish I could tell you "go here and talk to that guy", or "read this" and it would make it all right. But I don't have those answers, beau, and I'm not sure that anyone does...but you. I know exactly what you are talking about, and Jim is talking about. The best soldiers on earth were soldiers long before they ever put on a uniform. Its a mental mindset. And part of that is putting aside personal feelings, often burying them, so you can stay level headed and carry on the mission. No matter what. Mission first, you know the deal. Your mission has changed from the one you had in WV. You got a frago and moved out smartly in that direction. Just like you were supposed to do. Its not your fault if the security team at the ralley point got 'bushed. The only thing you can ever be sure of is that nothing is going to go exactly as planned. Thats life. Compensate, adjust, do what ever it takes to continue on. If it wasn't for this ability to go cold and become indifferent at times, some of us wouldn't be able to do the things we do. Jim is right, I think. We just have the ability to accept things for what they are; we regret them, feel bad about them momentarily, accept them and then simply move on. Its not wrong, its not right, its just the way it is. Some of us deal with these things in the way you described. I do. You're not broke, your not sick, you're just different from some and the same as others. There are no set, pat right answers here. You just do what ever it takes for YOU to get through it and the others will have to find their own way. That about concludes this hour, I'll send you the bill in the mail. lol Later


digdug41 49M

11/1/2005 4:47 pm

funerals only make us think of our own mortality and how fragile life is,sometimes bro it is better not to think at all.

roaming the cyber streets of blogland

impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
11/1/2005 6:18 pm

So I exist on this mudball, day in and day out, wondering, why am I like I am? Why do I know the things I know? Can I do any good with this? Can I use this knowledge to make a positive difference, balance the scales, redeem myself? I look for the opportunity, wait for it, dream of it, wish for it, live for it.

I've got your answer hun. I subscribe to the belief that everything, good & bad, that we live through is there for a reason. It's a lesson and if we learn what we're supposed to someday, somewhere, that knowledge will be used to help someone else along the path.

So...what do you do with all the things that you know? How do you use it in a powerful way to "redeem" yourself? (And those are your words NOT mine because you've done nothing to be redeemed for in my opinion) USE them....use them to teach another woman in a similiar situation how to save herself. Use them to teach a child how to get out of a dangerous situation. Use them in her honor - tell her story to everyone and anyone who will listen. Don't know how? Call 800-838-8238 (Family Violence & Sexual Assualt Hotline)and ask for a local contact number. Beleive me...they'll be more than happy to hear from you. Contact your local Domestic Violence Shelters and offer your words & your talents. Light your own little candle and let it burn brightly in her name - this is redeemption 5 and she'll live forever. And...peace will be yours.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

bulging_boy 49M

11/1/2005 8:25 pm

and if none of their words help 5er...

Keep in the front of your mind that there's a beer or ten chilling in a fridge down here in NZ if you ever manage to make it here.

carebearluv2 42F

11/1/2005 9:29 pm

5'er..once again, your writing has touched something personal within me. I am a comforter by nature, empathetic to the point of naivety and very protective. I had a friend kill herself in 10th grade and I felt very much the same feelings you are feeling now..could I have helped? could I have changed things? how come I didn't see her pain? I placed the guilt on myself and it haunted me for a long time. It wasn't until I realized she found her peace that I was able to move forward. She showed me what she wanted to show me and I couldn't have done anything different. Being there does not guarantee Ford wouldn't have left...only God knows why what happened, happened. It is tragic and I am sure you were in her thoughts, just like her children and her parents in those final, precious moments. Those she loved lived on. Keep her memory alive in your heart and her spirit will live on. Tell her story in hopes of saving someone else. By your words, perhaps another woman will be free. Live for today as Ford would have wanted you to.

PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
11/1/2005 10:46 pm

*cuddles fiver* You do feel hon, you just don't know how to feel it. Maybe it's our fault (women's) because we don't teach you (men) how to deal with feelings early on but perpetuate the "manly" stereotype.

What I can see is that you're still in shock about the news. One day e soon it will blindside you and leave you weeping in a corner. Don't fight it when it happens, just let it out alone or with DT or someone you can rust to see you like that. After that, you will be able to go on and process what happened.

Grieve all you must.but remember you are among the living. Let yourself live and dedicate some of it to her.


The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

DefiniteTrouble 50F

11/2/2005 2:15 am

Just wanted to remind you that you've already made a positive difference in this world. The rest has/will be shared in private.

slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
11/2/2005 4:17 pm

5...It's human nature to feel as you are right now. There are various stages of grieving. Each one taking the "time" it needs to work itself thru, then on to the next emotion and so forth.

I have a very close freind who is a grief counselor...and when I lost my boyfriend she told me that grieving last's anywhere from 3-5 years (in general-not all cases) terms of getting to the point where you can get to that "point" before that event happened.

However, when we lose someone in our life...parent, child, spouse, significant other, close friends....etc, we NEVER get completely over it and we will miss them until our own day comes.

I've never lost anyone the way you lost Ford, and that right there is catalyst for a whole set of different emotions that many people may never understand and I hope that they never do, unfortunately...some of us will at some time or another in our lives have to face that reality.

All anyone can do is offer support and their ear to listen to you, their shoulder for you to lean on. I see a lot of shoulders ready to bare your tears and a lot of very concerned friends ready, willing and able to let you express your grief as long as it remains a constant source of pain. Which it will remain for awhile....there is no quick fix.

There have been several suggestions that you could take your knowledge of Fords situation and share that with any number of organizations for women who suffer at the hands of an abuser.

If you are able to help just one woman, somewhere....whether you know her or not....just might be that one thing you wish you had been able to help Ford with...and one will see your friend and she will say to you...Thank you for helping prevent another woman from being hurt or killed by the hands of someone who was supposed to love her.

You may have already helped someone. Your words and your emotion for your friend have already touched the hearts and minds of countless women (and men...they are victims too)....someone who read your post's changed their destiny to remain in a bad may have already saved someones life thru your loss.

Only time will make things easier...but it will never take it away. You will never know whether being there would have made a difference...but this guilt you feel is human nature. Please allow yourself to get thru those stages of grief but if you find or if you feel the pain is too great to bare...please get assistance somewhere to help you get thru it.

I'm sorry to take up so much space...but when I see or know that people are hurting, I can't help but to offer support and hope that something I might say or those of others equally concerned might say in order to help you thru this difficult time...again, I am so sorry for your loss.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~

(Princess Lips)

11/3/2005 11:55 pm

it was her time...
You couldn't change that...

I am sorry for your loss...
grieve..let her go....

peace and hugs,


five_speed 41M

11/4/2005 2:39 pm

Jim, thanks for dropping by and letting me know it isn’t just me. I’m trying to reattach myself, but it is hard. I think it will be worth the effort. Reading your comment assures me this is so,

Darius, you make some very good points, my friend. You are right; I am still alive, and it is not my fault. Your words have helped. On a lighter note, I have always considered hunting to be the only “sport” where the other team has no idea that they are even playing.

Tiller, thanks for the hugs and for the assurances. I know she is at peace now. I still miss her though.

Sil, I have often wondered if I am sort of like the Hulk, not as strong as him, of course, but just as mean sometimes. There are days, if only I had the strength ‒ I would demolish the world.

Dranba, thank you for your thoughts. The guilt I feel will pass. I am happy to know I have touched your lives in a positive way. It is difficult to explain, but I have a difficult time maintaining an accurate perspective of my own self worth. My flaws seem so much more apparent to me than my strengths. Thank you, and Darius as well, for the reminder.

KPB2, send me that bill, brother. It’s money well earned and well spent. Thanks for talking my lingo. I needed it.

Digdug, I agree, but I can’t stop thinking. Never found a drug or a method to turn it off. It just changes directions and keeps going.

Pixie, I agree that everything is a lesson, but I do not agree that everything happens for a reason. I appreciate your advice in this matter. Once you pointed it out to me, the course of action seems so obvious, but I doubt it would have occurred to me on my own. Thank you very much for showing me a path.

Trav, it’s hard. You know what I mean.

Bulging, thanks, mate. Can we hunt kiwi too?

Carebear, I have to remember her as she was. I must remember the times we shared, because that is all that will ever be. You are right. Even if I had been there, I have no way of knowing it would have been any different. I do not have that power.

Karma, I wish you were right, but I don’t think so. It will not blind side me. I won’t feel it.

Huny, thank you for the empathy, darlin. I’m gonna be ok.


Slide, please don’t worry about “taking up so much space.” Your thoughts are very important to me. It makes me smile to think maybe I have already with my posts That is a very serene and healing thought.

Princess, it was her time, but I would deny fate if I could. I know it is not my place, but I would if I could.

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