Fuck the Moon, and Fuck You, Frank  

five_speed 41M
3250 posts
9/14/2005 10:31 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Fuck the Moon, and Fuck You, Frank

If you're just now stopping by my blog, please do not be chased away by this post. I am not normally so negative. I'm just exhausted and pissed off today.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I used to sing along with Frank Sinatra in the car. Frank was my favorite driving music of all time, because I can’t sing worth a shit, but my voice is just such that I can almost sing with Frank. Most of the time he stays in the right range, or octave, or tone, or what ever you call it (I failed music theory in high school. Can you tell?) Every once in awhile I’ll actually hit a note dead on with him, and when I do, the resonance makes me tingle all over. It keeps me awake on the long hauls, seeking those rare tingly notes. I swear it feels almost like an orgasm. It’s electric.

You’d think I’d get better at hitting them at it as time went on, but I don’t. Like I said before, I can’t sing worth a shit. It’s probably a good thing too, considering how pleasant I feel when I hit a note right. If I could do it all the time, I would. I’d be some cracked nut case that sung all the time instead of talking normally. I'd be the evil, annoying Dick van Dyke, and every day would be a day out of a warped Mary Poppins parody. Ugh. No thanks.

But I quit singing with Frank today. Today I actually listened to the words as I sang along, and it was like shining a light into dark wells to reveal the nasties that live in the depths. Consider, for instance, the lyrics to “Fly Me to the Moon,” one of my personal favorites:

Fly me to the moon
Let me sing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars

In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby kiss me

Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore

In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

Simple, nothing fancy ‒ most of his lyrics aren’t that complicated (another reason I can almost sing them.)

But I don’t want to sing this song anymore. I don’t want to sing it because I finally looked at the words and understand what he’s talking about. He’s talking about a feeling that I have not experienced in some time, a feeling I some times wonder if I am capable of feeling anymore. I’ve discussed this at length with a few friends (both in person and online,) and they’ve assured me that the feeling will come back, that I won’t be numb forever.

But today as I listened to Frank, I remembered just how good it feels to love some one that way, and it contrasted very sharply against the apathetic tumor that pumps bile in my chest these days. Assurances to the contrary, I am not so certain the ability will ever return to me.

I miss it sometimes, and other times I don’t, because I also remember how bad it hurts when the song is over and you fall to earth. It’s a long way down from the moon.

So for now, I think I’ll just keep both feet on the ground, and I’m not singing with Frank anymore, at least, not right now.


bella_ 47F
4030 posts
9/14/2005 12:30 pm

Hmmm....i know this mood. Ok, maybe you need to start singing with Dean Martin...."When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie thats amore" And, you can have a couple of drinks and still sound fine singing with him. I tried it, it works well.


dano6332 56M

9/14/2005 12:54 pm

5 speed what the hell is going on. You lost a job (we all have done that) and your lonely for love, hell that is why every single one of us is here (well except for that creepy pirate guy Trav turned us onto, oh yeah and the folks who just blatantly come out looking to fuck)......If we all weren't lonely or looking to fill a hole in us we would probably all be off doing something else. Now I am generalizing and it seems lots of folks on here now have partners and mates but why did we all join up to start with? Your entitled to be lonely heck we all are but what you cant do is stop singing along with the great songs like Frank. Hell I sing all the time and it is one of the things I do to pull myself up even for just a few moments. I am sappy enough that when I am down thinking about the divorce and how I screwed up my marriage or I am missing the boys a good love song can make me cry. Doesnt make me stop singing along. Get out of your apartment, go to a good bookstore and browse your favorite authors. Make eye contact with a pretty girl and go up and ask her to coffee or lunch. Tell a stranger how great her hair looks and help a little old lady with her packages. When you were a ranger crawling in the mud and eating snakes how did you get up? Just relax, take a nap and then go out and see the day with new eyes. Also know that a lot of folks here seem to like you just fine the way you are so I dont think you need to change anything INCLUDING your singing if you want to chat let me know


kyplowboy2 61M

9/14/2005 1:22 pm

Life is a series of cycles, it seems to me, and your just at the bottom of a deep one. Not to worry tho, ain't no place left to go but back up, bro. Can't stay there though, thats the valley of death. Only dead sririts live there. Drop your ruck and sling your weapon, pull yourself up that hill by roots, rocks or whatever you can grasp. Your spirit ain't dead, not yet, it just got its little ass whipped a little. You'll be alright as long as you wipe the blood from your face and stand up again. Don't you dare quit on me, goddamnit. Learn from past mistakes and try not to make them again. Thats all you can be expected to do. You haven't lost the ability to do shit, you are choosing simply not to do it. Put yourself back out there, bro, you probably gonna let down a couple of times, but when you do find that one, that special one, it'll all seem worth it then. Can't means won't. Get your ass up and quit that fuckin' snivelin' lol You fixin to get koalafied, Ranger! lol


papyrina 51F
21133 posts
9/14/2005 1:24 pm

love your self and the rest will come it will honest,just don't go looking for it and things always happen eventually,hugs hun


I'm a

and
i'm here to stay


Synn74 42F
1206 posts
9/14/2005 1:36 pm

(((((((hugs 5))))))) hope it helps hun if ya want to exchange sn's you can I always welcome new friends in fact I love it..helps when i'm lonely and lately my yahoo looks like a ghost town



I welcome you to the House of Syn...


SweetDarlinAngel 39F
2996 posts
9/14/2005 2:19 pm

Five Speed~ Though this is the first visit I've made to your blog, I'd have to say that using music to reference your heart hits home for me. It may be hard to sing along with Frank, however simplistic his words may be, it may be hard to listen to Frank's song no matter how true his lyrics used to seem, but keep in mind that the reason the bile continues to stir in your chest is not because you are without the ability to feel or have those emotions again. It is because you know what is missing from your life right now, so rather than wallow in self misery and pity. Look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you and Frank both have the gusto, charm and charisma to capitvate a woman long enough so that she can turn to you and shower you with that feeling of song and rhythm that will help you stay in sync with good ol' Frank again in no time.
Take Care
~SweetAngel

~Angel


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
9/14/2005 3:06 pm

5 speed...whenever you need a pick-me-up...do what I do. Drink heavily & buy a new blow-up doll! Nothing gets the others in a huff faster I can tell you. Next thing you know there's a cat fight, panties flying everywhere, shrieks of pleasure, bras flung across the room. You can't help loving those playful minxes. OK, when it's all over you'll be sweaty, hair all askew, nose bleed, limping, singed pubic hair...so? You'll feel great!

[blog talldarkavg1]


xx_44DD_xx 51F

9/14/2005 3:18 pm

I had broken up with a lover and, that night needed to run to the pharmacy. Every single damn song was a love song playing over the speakers of the pharmacy.

It seemed like a lifetime that I had to sit and wait there. When I got into my car? I bawled like a baby.......

It's amazing how much music affects our lives.

For the meantime, play AC/DC Back In Black or something....... Ole blue eyes will be waitin' for you when you fall in love again. You can hold the one you love in your arms, dance and sing in her ear - when you're ready.


beewulf9 38M

9/14/2005 3:20 pm

Dear Five Speed,

There are other songs you may want to sing. I would like to reference the wedding singer and suggest "Love Stinks" or any other song that just allows you to sing how you feel.

Further indicate that you swoon the hearts of many here and there is someone for you. I hope you have the patience to wait.

I wish you well.


DefiniteTrouble 50F

9/14/2005 3:31 pm

5 - This is the side of you I've grown to love. Your ability not only to express your inner pain openly, but your great skill in doing so. Can't imagine a day without you in it. Thank you for once again inspiring me and being my sounding board. You were absolutely right. What I've gained here is much more valuable than what I stand to lose.

(Letting the "bullheaded" remark slide lol...)

Yes, I've changed my mind. I'm a woman, after all...we get perogative cards issued with our birth certificates. Let the stalking resume...perhaps more aggressive than ever.


JDLA2 61M

9/14/2005 6:00 pm

I wrote you a long comment and when I posted it, I was directed to sign in again and my comment was lost. Too bad.

I will try to give you the gist of it.

Though I have not known you long, in some ways I feel I know you well. Rather than just tell you everything is just going to be peachy, I will try to give you something I think is more useful.

You are not ready for the kind of love you are talking about. If you had it before or if you found it today it would probably end badly.

True love, deep and lasting can only grow in fertile ground that has been well prepared before it is ready for planting.

You are as we discussed before, at a crossroads. Your direction is uncertain. You are still finding yourself. Love at this time would be premature and would likely distract you from your true mission, fulfilment of purpose. If you found this love today you would lose sight of your objective and before long begin to blame your love for compromising your dreams.

The "bile" in your heart is there because, it has no voice with which to complain to you about your neglect of it. Listen to your heart and follow your dreams if you fail in this no ammount of love for someone else will ever fill the void within.

Forget about love. Seach first and foremost for yourself. Everything will follow from this. If you are unworthy of a healthy self love, what do you have to offer another?

Put your house in order, go and seek your destiny, only then will you be able and ready to recognize the right companion for the rest of the journey.

Do not search for your true love, she will find you when you are worthy.

More than love, I wish you hope, to light your way and the courage to carry on in the in spite of the gathering clouds that seek to rob us of our dignity. More than anything else courage, not love is what makes human life meaningful.

Peace


rm_texasgal1978 45F
225 posts
9/14/2005 7:02 pm

to feel is to live, don't block out the pain the song brings right now, embrace it and move past it, one day the song will have new meaning to you as you sing it for the one who love


your_gypsy 51F

9/14/2005 7:46 pm

ditto what everyone else said, especially sweetdarlinangel and DT. you're definitely not alone. i personally have my issues but am not so focused on them right now. that can be good or bad. for me it is okay right now. it does mean a lot to me to be able to reach out to others and thank goodness they are there. thank you for being there for me.


Goldenhairgodess 63F
396 posts
9/14/2005 8:48 pm

Most people know about the "runners high". It is the bodies adrenalen
release from the physical effort of running. There is a natural pain killer released when we suffer a major physical injury as well. We go into "shock" and may fail to feel the pain till much later. There is also a release of some kind when we sing. I doesn't matter what song or words in the song-Even singing the "Blues" can help. I remember one song that said "Hey, won't you play another Somebody done Somebody wrong song-And make me feel at home-while I miss my baby". So go find you a new song-and as the Beatles sang "take a sad song and make it better". And remember that love begins with love of self.


KhaosKitty 42F
123 posts
9/14/2005 9:03 pm

Everyone has pretty much said what I was going to say, but I want to extend my support as well. Life is cycular, as the plowboy stated. things are down now, but will be back up again sooner than you think. I lost my job about... Oh, 6 years ago now, while I was in an abusive relationship. I found a new job, got the hell out of the relationship and - while admittedly it sucked ass in the bad way at the time - the lessons I learned and the strength I gained from those experiences has helped me become the person I am today. And, not meaning to sound at all conceited because that's not how it's meant, I am rather fond of myself.

Now, having said all of that nasty cliche stuff that seems to need to be said at times like now, I recommend sticking in a nice Lords of Acid cd and belting along. o/~ I must! I must! I must increase my bust! o/~

Or does that contradict the whole fitness thing? My bad.

<hug>


madkitten 53F
291 posts
9/15/2005 5:40 am

OH Five, I think there are so many of us, that understand and feel just the same, when I song makes you feel that way, you have to move on and find another one that lifts you, something that doesnt say how you feel, or want to feel, but a song that will change the way you feel. Something like Dont Rain on my Parade or I Will Survive, not the best songs in the world, but the only ones that come to mind at the moment.


redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
51F

9/15/2005 6:48 am

love's numbness is warmed by the rays of friendship...

TTFN


rm_CookieLips2 61M

9/15/2005 8:00 am

You are not the first person who has quit singing the songs that always remind them of the past. Love songs always have a way with messing with our heads, good or bad. Frank was not thinking about you when he wrote his songs, you know? He was writing for generations of people. Keep the music in your head and a song in your heart. Music, laughter, and a smile are the world's healers.


five_speed 41M

9/15/2005 9:25 am

Thanks, everyone for the comments and encouragement. I've read all of your comments many, many times, and I am so glad you care enough to say the things you've said. Please forgive me if I do not comment individually, but I don't want to talk about this anymore.


PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
9/15/2005 8:48 pm

*HUGS 5speed and feeds him cookies*

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma


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