Bad Date Extraction Plans  

five_speed 41M
3250 posts
9/5/2005 3:25 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Bad Date Extraction Plans

Cunning Linguist Consulting is coming you your rescue once again, ladies!

Ever been on a date that was so painful you just wished your chair at the dinner table had an ejection lever that would jettison you through the roof and into the parking lot? I’m talking about a guy who makes Marilyn Manson seem normal? A guy who makes Dan Rather look young, fun, and exciting? Or are you stuck with the fellow who makes Howard Stern sound like a charming gentleman?

We know you’ve been there, done that, got the emotional scars to prove it.

Well, NO MORE! Thanks to CLC’s newest offering, a service we like to call the Bad Date Extraction Plan, or BDEP (pronounced bee-deep) for short, you will never have to suffer through another terrible date ever again.

You call us and purchase a BDEP plan. You specify two times to call, and give us your cell phone number. Then, one of our trained extraction experts will call you the first time and ask you how it’s going. If the date it going well, you simply say “I’m enjoying my evening right now. I’ll call you back tomorrow.” Then we’ll call you back one more time at the second specified time, and you can signal us off if it’s still going well.

However, if the date has gone straight to hell without passing GO! or collecting two hundred dollars, when we call, you say “I told you I was going to be out tonight. What do you want?”

We’ll take care of you from there. We’ll tell you what to say, and you just repeat after us. By the time the call has finished, you will be able to graciously leave without dumping him flat on his ear.

This is a project that TravelinginTexas has tackled with incredible zest ‒ perhaps too much. You will see what I mean, if you are ever “lucky” enough to get one of his scenarios. For example, if you get one of my scenarios, you may end up saying something like this into your cell phone as you repeat what I tell you to say:

“What? Alex laid down his bike? Where? Is he alright? You need me to pick up Mikey from the babysitter? NOW? yeah… well, yeah, I was in the middle of dinner, but that’s all right. yeah. yeah. I’ll pick him up and be over as soon as I can. Yeah. I love you too. Tell Alex not to worry about Mikey. I’ll take care of it.”

Then you make your apologies to your date and get the hell out of Dodge.

Alternately, if you get one of Traveling’s scenarios, it may go like this:

“Yes, this is [insert your name here.] Yes, you are calling at a bad time. I am eating dinner… I don’t see how it’s any of your business if I’m with a man or not - what? The test results came in? Oh… I see. Guatemalan Genital Rot? Is that even a real disease? What the fuck do you mean ‘I might be contagious!?’ No, he hasn’t eaten or drank after me. You bet your ass I can come in for a retest!”

If your date is still at the table, extend your apologies and go.

Regardless of the extraction scenario you receive, we will email you a transcript as a reminder so you can remember the line of bullshit you used to escape the date, in case you have further contact with the man. While Travelling’s scenarios are more embarrassing to step through at the time, they are generally more effective at preventing a follow up date or phone call from your bad date.

Just another way to lick a cat, from your friends at Cunning Linguist Consulting!

Disclaimer: This service is not associated with any other similar services that may be available in your area through other vendors.


rm_texasgal1978 45F
225 posts
9/5/2005 5:44 pm

Where was your service while I was with a Barney Rubble wanna be throwing popcorn in the air and trying to catch it while giggling that his legs were too short to reach the movie seat in front of him?


five_speed 41M

9/5/2005 5:57 pm

wetpanties, I hate to mention anything that alludes to a lady's age; it's such a touchy subject for some. But since you asked:

The year of your senior prom, the founder of our esteemed company was just discovering his penis was good for something else besides urinating. He wasn't sure what else it was good for, but he suspected it had something to do with the little black hairs theat were just starting to sprout in his genital area.

And even if he had been a strapping young man capable of starting and running our company, at that time, cell phones were not nearly as common or reliable as they are now.

But we're here for you now, and we sincerely appologize for being a few years late! If it will help keep you happy as a valued customer, I would be happy to set you up as a beta tester for our future products and services. That way you can ensure you will always be right on the licking edge of modern technology!


five_speed 41M

9/5/2005 6:02 pm

texasgal, again, I extend my most heartfelt apoologies for offering the service too late to save you from past horrors. Once TravelinginTexas develops a steady revenue stream from his Pizza Slut project in Nevada, we will divert every dime we can spare into research to find a way to either change the past or make you happy enough in the present that you no longer care about what happened with Mr. Barney Wannabee.


sweetthang2877 39F
534 posts
9/5/2005 6:10 pm

Ever had a date go so badly that you just left them standing in the parking lot? I have!
I like to drive myself on my dates. This gives me the opportunity for an out!


your_gypsy 51F

9/5/2005 6:29 pm

oooo u are in rare form tonight! "guatemalan genital rot" is my favorite band!! rock on, bro!


DefiniteTrouble 50F

9/5/2005 6:34 pm

LMFAO

However (lol...you knew this was coming), I'm usually politely blunt if I feel the need to be excused. If politeness isn't effective, the 9mm Glock is.

Have to make sure I protect myself. What if my cell battery goes dead or there's tower interference? How do you propose to protect me then?

Oh...don't flash those pretty blues at me...


five_speed 41M

9/5/2005 6:44 pm

no, but i've been left before, by my ex wife, and she had the only vehicle. it rained on me the entire way home. by the time i walked all the way home, she'd called a locksmith and changed the locks.

it sucked.

She did it because I was treating her to dinner, and i wouldn't let her see the bill. By the time we had salads, main course, wine, and desert, it was a hefty bill, and I didn't want her feeling guilty for me paying all of it. The problem started when i tipped the our server $5. It wasn't even 15%, because i was not happy with the service, but my wife thought i was flirting with her or tipping her big because i was attracted to her or something. So I went to the bathroom, and when i came out, the car and the wife were gone.

*Sigh* ahhh.... those were the good ol days.


five_speed 41M

9/5/2005 6:51 pm

gypsy, I love that band! My favorite song is the one where they remade "yesterday" by the Beatles, but thier version was called "Leprosy"

leprosy, I'm not half the man I use to be, all my parts are falling off of me, oh how did I get leprosy?

Come on, everyone! you know the tune! Sing along!


five_speed 41M

9/5/2005 8:25 pm

DT, granted, it is not a perfect plan, but I have good news! CLC is preparing to launch a male escort and body guard service that may fill this void in your security scheme. Once that service is in place, I'll need to schedule a private consultation with you where we'll lay out your concerns, strip every thing down to the bare basics, identify any empty spaces that need to be filled, and then do what ever we can to fill them until you're totally satisfied.

I'll keep you posted if you think that' a service that might interest you.


Ana_6973 43F

9/5/2005 10:53 pm

I needed you on the date with perma grin man who laughed like a cartoon villian at everything he said. I was in a bad mood to begin with and he just made it worse. Let's just say at one point he asked me, "You don't like me do you?" and I answered in the affirmative. I think he decided I was insane. I think it was PMS. Well, that and the effect of a man who seems to be incapable of telling the truth combined with showing too much teeth.

~~"I can scream as loud as your last one, but I can't claim innocence."~~


five_speed 41M

9/6/2005 2:47 am

Ana, maybe we should set up the service so that you can request which type of scenario you get... in your case I would definitely reccomend one of Travelling's. Mine would get the job done, but some guys deserve a little something extra.


xx_44DD_xx 51F

9/6/2005 5:00 am

You are too much five_speed.........

Where were you when I was stuck at this bar, for the longest hour of my life a few weeks ago? Hmmmm? What do you have to say for yourself young man?


jim5131 55M
1296 posts
9/6/2005 7:04 am

Hey 5 speed...good blog. I had heard of a similar service on a morning radio show and thought that it was just a 'girl' trick that some enterprising mind decided to market. Guatemalan Genital Rot. Gotta remember that....


five_speed 41M

9/6/2005 8:41 am

jim, I think it really is a service offered in some areas. I heard about it too, but I figure there's no reason CLC can't offer it as well.

It works out good for the men as well. I mean sure, you don't score, but you also get let off relatively easy... it just depends on who wrote the scenario.


five_speed 41M

9/6/2005 12:48 pm

thank you, honni. We certainly aim to please, and it's nice to know we're on target!


DefiniteTrouble 50F

9/6/2005 10:25 pm

So, I take it both of you will be escorting me on my dates?

Bet that will be something like wearing a chastity belt, huh?

(closes drapes)


five_speed 41M

9/7/2005 6:39 am

travelling, I have no idea if it is or not. I was just playing.

As I think about this, I realize we will have to coordinate our security schedules. It will rarely be an issue since I am rarely in Texas, but when I am, we'll have to do a meeting and figure out who will be where and when. Otherwise, we're liable to end up scrapping, each thinking the other is the bad guy. Believe me, it can an does happen. I know - it's how they set up hero vs hero fights in comic books ALL THE TIME.


five_speed 41M

9/7/2005 6:42 am

DT, I can't speak for Traveling, but I think you should leave that chasity belt at home.

If I'm escorting you, I'll bring my lock picks just in case!

If I'm body guarding you, you won't even see me unless you look for me, but I'll be right there if you need me.


five_speed 41M

9/7/2005 9:18 am

I feel really dumb, but I'm a happy guy. I just realized DT lives in Tennesee! Well, actually, she took me by the hand like a confused child and pointed out the fact...

That means I don't have to haggle with Traveling for jurisDICion. Everything east of the Mississippi in mine! booo-yahh!


Become a member to create a blog