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Hoping this makes you at least smile!
Hoping this makes you at least smile!
My last coule of posts have been pretty miserable I know lol! So heres a few funnies to liven us all up again and hopefully put a smile on those lovely faces! Be warned though, some of them are seriously shite!lol.
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
Bunnings when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to
where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair,
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What
does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- LET'S LOOK FOR YOURS."
Four regulars were playing their weekly game of golf, and one
nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and
without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his
play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll
make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I
wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number
2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the
gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says
"Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to
for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well
babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning, is it Intercourse or
and she said... "Take a sweater - it's a bit cool this morning..."
A small zoo in West Virginia had a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was
in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
Thinking about their problem, the zookeeper thought of Bobby Lee
Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal
Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability
to satisfy a female of any species.
The zookeeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
$500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to
think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under four conditions.
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The
zookeeper quickly agreed to this condition. "Second", he said, "You
never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this
condition. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed. And last of all, Bobby
Lee stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart
Greeter asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9
7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?" "No," replies the
greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered
doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young
girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take
off." "No, not me," said the girl, "it's my old aunt here." "Very
well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
Ya gotta love this principal
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
the mirror with it. Priceless!
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers....and then there are educators
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
BILL GATES GOES TO HEAVEN
Bill Gates passed away and goes up to heaven where he is met by God.
"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the
world, and yet
you created that ghastly Windows.
"I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let
decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well thanks, God. What's the difference between the
God said, "You take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you
decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure" said Bill, "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear
There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was
shining and the
temperature was perfect.
"This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see
God replied, "Let's go!" and so off they went to Heaven. Bill saw
puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting
harps and singing.
It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.
Bill Gates though for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.
"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to
how things were going. He found Bill Gates shackled to a wall,
screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned
and tortured by
demons. "How ya doing', Bill?" asked God.
Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This not
expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women
playing in the water?"
"Oh THAT?!" said God. "That was the Screen Saver."
Some Blonde Jokes
Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking........and
one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther
Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo,
can you see Florida ...........?????
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license
today you expect me to show it to you!"
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back,
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
first on the moon!" The Blonde said, " So what? We're going to be the
the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook
their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn
the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever
heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HellOOOooo," answered the
"they're watch dogs!"
? I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
die of natural causes.
? Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant to pull on it. If it comes out
of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
? The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
? Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
? There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
? Life is sexually transmitted.
? Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
? The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
? Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
? Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
? Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
? All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
? Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
? How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
7/12/2006 1:52 am
Thanks for the chuckles...these were great! |
7/12/2006 3:54 pm
Thanks for the chuckles...these were great!