This blog entry contains ANGST!!  

empress_evie 39F
134 posts
9/11/2005 10:45 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

This blog entry contains ANGST!!


Just like most other blog entries ever in existence. But at least I'm not whining about how life has no meaning because my teacher didn't like my art project entitled "Death Death Death", and I'm not going to write any bad Goth poetry or whine about how high school sucks because boys don't like me.

I'm not in high school, I'm not on Livejournal, I'm not dark and angsty (usually) and boys like me fine, obviously. But I did fight with the sig. other last night. Not about me messin' around, which he does not know about (and which is giving me increasing levels of guilt... I anticipate an end to my slut-attack pretty soon... sorry about that, the conscience just surprises me by reappearing sometimes.) About something totally other and not sex-related so it's not going in here.

I hate phone fights. It's so hard to make up... you can't just run into the other person's arms and hold them, which is how we usually end fights. Last night we really didn't clear up the issue, or even really make up. Now I am sad. Sad sad Evie...

Contrary to previous entry, I don't need a good screw. I need gentle, affectionate sex that makes me feel wanted. I need to feel wanted, actually, emotionally as well as physically. I'm starting to link sex and love again. That whole girl thing that I don't do very often... aaagh! Return of conscience!

Okay, so I'm not totally linking sex and love. But I'm definitely linking sex and affection. I don't want to do it down and dirty. I'd actually kind of like to sleep with someone who's more than a casual acquaintance... The ideal person for me now, other than the abovementioned guy who is thousands of miles away, would be someone I have a legitimate crush on - someone with whom there's some sort of romantic spark, but we can't have a relationship - the ideal situation is that we're both attached, attracted to each other in all pertinent ways, and we both admit that we WOULD be together except for that whole being-with-other-people thing. We would... yeah, we might just make love. And then we'd sigh, and reluctantly go our separate ways. And be together again when the desire strikes us.

An affair. That's what I'm feeling like right now. Not a full-on affair, with love letters and confessions of deepest longing and impassioned pleas to go to Paris... I've done that (except for the Paris part - had he asked, though, I would have gone, had he also paid), it's too much work and too painful to split your heart in half like that, to love two people at once. One's all I can handle. But to REALLY LIKE someone - that's what I could handle. To be desirable to someone as a whole person, and I feel the same way - a fascination, a sort of infatuation - and we could be together, but also take or leave it. A low-key affair. (I know some guys I could get hooked on if I let myself, but I don't think they could get hooked back. It's not their style.)

I still feel like lots of sex - hey, it's me here - but not without some sort of something else, too. I've felt this way for a bit now... it's probably part of why I wasn't as good a partner as I could have been to Gav last week, and why I haven't hooked up with anyone this past week, despite being horny. It's probably the reason I was kind of uncomfortable with the cam and the resulting fuck-me-baby messages. I mean, I was trying to recapture the playful mood I was in a few weeks ago, the sex=fun attitude.

But I guess I've gotta accept it, and work with the mood I'm in. I change moods a lot (it's that thing where I'm a woman, I guess) so who knows when I'll be up for casual play again... But right now...

....guess I'll be looking for something a bit more, if I can find it. This sort of thing doesn't appear out of thin air, whereas casual sex can be had on a daily basis if I so choose (despite the hey-baby messages, there ARE plenty of great guys on this site).

Dammit. I am such a GIRL. Sorry, guys, that this entry isn't as sexual, and therefore entertaining, as previous ones. But... I do have to work with the mood I'm in. And the mood I'm in contains angst. I should listen to... man, what do angsty blogging teenagers listen to right now? I should listen to that, turn the lights down in the bedroom, wear black (it IS Sept. 11, after all), write lousy poetry, and pretend my mom is outside my room shouting, "For God's sake, Evie, go outside and get some fresh air! You've been in there on the computer for days!"

Maybe black with LACE. Total Goth Lolita. Now I want to go shopping for lacy girly dark angsty clothing, but shopping isn't angsty, unless you're sulking in the mall outside the Hot Topic.

IPman 60M
313 posts
9/11/2005 12:09 pm

Its OK Evie,

I see no one else is willing to talk you off the ledge... Sooooo here goes:

There are so many kinds of sex, so many potential relationships with men and women, and so many opportunities to discover who you are through trying them all out. I have admired your openess and willingness to try stuff out as your moods dictate.

Everything is alright girl, you are doing just fine, perhaps a little wise for your tender age, but certainly you are in touch with who you are and why you are who you are (wow did I type that LO

Now go find Gav get IT out of your system and then invite Mr Far Away to to town for a tender and emotional reasuuring aka boring weekend. (Wow that was mean spirited-but my life experience tells me it is a little true)

I do agree that what you and many on here are searching for is more than a one-nighter... the Affair of the heart! I think from previous blogs that guy is already known by you, you simply have not felt in the mood to go to the next step of intimacy....

So for gods sake get some fresh air, hmmm go on a shoping spree... and then call Mr far away... make up and then go find what your heart really wants: intimacy, fun, chemestry, frindship and great SEX:

I can't wait to read what happens!


KolorBl9d 36M

9/11/2005 12:21 pm

wanna hook-up? e mail me at AdultFriendFinder


youscreamiscream 39M

9/11/2005 4:10 pm

IPman does have a great point. I think those of us that are seriously listening to you and your blogs know who you're referring to. Ever discuss going the extra distance with him? Just because you’re both involved doesn’t mean you’re not right for each other.

It's probably why I don't get very far with women, but sex isn't always just sex and the attempt to see if he can make you orgasm tonight. There's also the need for intimacy and specific mindset that two people need to share during worthwhile sex. The kind where he listens to you beforehand and cuddle afterwards.

I've got a great pair of ears and a shoulder to lend if you need to let any more venting out of yourself. It helps to get it out.


empress_evie 39F

9/12/2005 7:20 am

Hey, I just realized I can post comments in my own blog! Heh. And I call myself a blogger...

Thanks, guys. I actually feel better today (the day after angst)... and actually there are a couple of guys, one I don't know as well but I've got that vibe with him... he seems up for something a little bit more, so that might just be what I'm looking for. The other guy, the one you're referring to... I'd be scared to tell him that I've actually got a mad crush on him. He might get freaked out and want to quit hanging out, since I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way.

You never can tell with guys, though. You people can be inscrutable when it comes to emotions other than "hungry," "sleepy" or "horny". I kinda like that, though. Men doing men-things is... well, sorta sexy. What with me liking men a lot and all.


rm_cheifiwanaho 39M

9/12/2005 8:59 am

Empress,

I loved this blog because it give your character another dimension. I called you a character because that's what you are to lots of folks who read this. This blog shows that you are a real person with real feelings - not just some smart, horny, chicago woman with slut-attacks. (Actually, to a man a slut-attack sounds pretty fun, but that's beside the point.) So, anyways, I liked it. To me, it makes you more attractive.

And not all guys find crushes intimidating, although you are right, many do. I personally find them flattering. There are a number of women who have, or have had, crushes on me but we always seem to know that it could never be more than that. There's a weird understanding. If we flip the coin and talk about crushes that I've had on women, the difference between my situations and yours is that I've never been fortunate enough to have sex with any of my crushes. That could change things entirely. Unchartered territory for me. One thing to remember is that crushes are like flowers - the are pretty and can brighten your day but they die fast. If yours lives too long, it's more than a crush. It's part of the landscape.


IPman 60M
313 posts
9/12/2005 1:21 pm

OMG she responds!

Hmmm, I am not certain if it's cooler that she never acknowledges anyone on her blog, or that when she finally did respond she mentioned me.... LOL


empress_evie 39F

9/12/2005 1:57 pm

hehe... well, I DID do what you suggested... and it worked, pretty much. Yay shopping!

I've kinda seen this blog so far as more of a narrative than an interaction... but I saw this one woman's blog and she commented on her comments (which is how I figured out I could do it), so why not start interacting? Get to know commenters and fellow bloggers. So anyway, hi guys.


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