The last hurrah  

empress_evie 39F
134 posts
9/26/2005 6:02 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The last hurrah

I'm leaving the profile up for a little bit longer because I just want people to read my blog. Then I'm outta here.

Yep, the return of conscience... except it's not conscience. I'm not leaving the site and stopping my slut-tastic ways out of guilt. It's just...

...I cannot for the life of me find what I want, sexually or romantically.

Right now I'm coming down from a massive crying jag, the kind where you have to put a cool cloth on your face to soothe your eyes afterward. I'm thinking about Saturday, the foursome attempt; I'm thinking about how the "three to five guys who are right for me" aren't right for me. I'm thinking about how unbelievably selfish everyone I've been messing around with is, including myself.

And mostly I'm thinking about two things.

1) I deserve better than splitting the tab for some cheese sticks, followed by a quickie - which, for all the wooing guys on here will attempt to do, is all most of them are good for. Every one of my friends-with-benefits (okay, maybe not ONE guy, but he's rare) makes it clear that I'm the spare girl, that I'm lucky to be with HIM, and that his interests come first when we're out. Whether it's someone insisting on smoking when they know damn well I'm allergic (I always say yes, they can smoke, just don't blow it in my face - it's amazing how often people ignore the "don't blow it in my face" part... smokers seem to think everyone else smokes), asking me to pick up the tab (it's all right if we're friends, but I've been asked to do it on first meetings before!), acting with great care to conceal his identity/hide from his friends while inconveniencing ME in the process (for example, abruptly leaving somewhere upon seeing someone he knows, then acting like it was MY fault that we were there in the first place! This happens more often than you'd ever think).....

...basically, I've realized that if any of the people I meet on here, friends-with-benefits or not, can arrange to obtain an orgasm while completely ignoring my comfort and well-being, then that's a good deal for them, ain't it? Long story short: I'm not a person, I'm a means to an end.

I deserve better than that. I deserve to be someone's Main Girl, not the Auxiliary Backup Girl. I want doors opened for me. I want chairs pulled out. I want to be complimented AFTER sex, not just before. I want to have someone tell me I'm beautiful - and I want to BELIEVE HIM. I will settle for nothing less.

(Of course, if I want to be treated like a beautiful and worthwhile woman.... maybe I need to reconsider my main relationship, because... ah, that's not for discussion here. Suffice to say I'd rather not be the one with the balls, and alas, with West Coast Boy, that's the situation. But I digress.)

Okay... now that I've determined I deserve to be treated better in a sex and/or romance situation.... we come to:

2) I'm tired of transactional relationships.

I start out on one of my slutty sprees and I want sex. I am willing to trade sex for sex. Good deal! Everyone's happy!

Later on I start missing my boy - or, more accurately, missing romance, affection, even just plain warmth. I decide I'd rather spend time with the friends-with-benefits who are willing to do minimal things like, say, hold conversations, or go out for a cup of coffee, or something. I then end up trading sex for ATTENTION.

And after a while, the slutty spree winds to an end - like it's doing now - and I sit back and realize that I would like sex and attention and that sort of thing... I just don't want to have to BARGAIN for it. People should not have to barter with their private parts for human warmth. If they do have to do so... well, then, that's really pathetic.

I'm tired of being pathetic.

I saw some friends this weekend, and realized while shopping that there are people I know who will gladly spend time with me without me giving anything back except MY time and company. They like me. I owe them nothing. God, I've missed my suburban girlfriends.

Granted, there are a LOT of transactional relationships in my life. In exchange for some financial support while I'm in school, my parents expect me to get good grades and get a great job so I can pay the money back. People at school respect me because I get good grades - I've noticed people have a tendency to hang out with people whose GPAs are similar (the top 10 percent hangs out together, etc.) as if social rank were determined by final exams. (But hey, I knew school would be a cruel competitive environment when I went in...) If I quit a certain club, I know some very close friends who'd suddenly find better things to do than answer my phone calls.

And if I didn't work my ass off at my long-distance relationship - and if I didn't pick the restaurants, and choose which weekends to visit, and basically make the decisions AND make the moves in the bedroom - I wouldn't have a romance to speak of.

Yes. I'm bitter. I'm very bitter. Seems like everyone in my life cares about me only as long as I provide them with things. And this site is a prime example of that. I'm going to go find some people who don't need to be GIVEN something from me in order to spend time in my presence.

So I'm audi. I'm no longer crazy horny, and if I am, I'm gonna buy that Rabbit thing and not leave my bedroom for a week. I've got some reassessment to do. But first I need my eyes to stop stinging.

digdug41 49M

9/26/2005 8:55 pm

hey evie sorry to hear your going through a tough time now but just hangf in there and things will work themselves out life is life its messy its unpredictable thats why they call it life you are the soul
controller of your universe so dont settle for less than you want and it will happen just when you least expect it.take care luv

roaming the cyber streets of blogland

RorkesDrift 52M

9/26/2005 9:28 pm

Check out the friendfinder site

Finding anyone here and fucking them seems to me rather gross and demeaning.

I only blog here...I don't even perv the photos.

But your letter is truly a work of art.

I think your writing turns me on more then some womans ass plastered across the screen.

Thanks for the Intellectual organism.

gentleman4u662 51M
2 posts
9/27/2005 11:22 am

Evie, you truly are a one-of-a-kind woman. Don't give up hope on all the males of our species. There are some good ones out there that do care about a woman just because of who she is and not what she gives them.

I too have been through my share of women who want be with me for selfish reasons, like money or sexual gratification for themselves wihtout a worry about my wants and needs. You are so right for wanting more than that out of life. Us nice people deserve much more than to be treated as an object and not a real human being.

Sweetie, if you would like a friend who wouldn't expect anything from you other than for you to be yourself and just be a friend to me, get in touch with me. I feel that one can never have too many friends and you never know when someone might turn out to be a truly great friend. Truly great friends are very hard to come by sometimes.

Good luck in your life's pursuits and take good care of yourself. We need more women in this world who are great like you!

rm_cheifiwanaho 39M

9/28/2005 3:16 pm

I'm not writing here to kiss your ass and tell you how great you are and all of that dribble. You don't need somebody to tell you those things, I don't think. I think you already know those things. It's your counterparts that need to realize it.

Last week I went out to eat with a gal who I always knew from work. She's younger, but mature, cute, smart, laughs at my clumsily witty jokes, and has a smile that weilds compliments from random old ladies. We never met outside the office before, but always seemed to have nice conversations. Well, we somwhow eneded up out to dinner together and talked. And talked. And talked. And laughed. And talked. And so on. I had a wonderful time, end expected nothing more than that. It was just what I needed. I think she had a nice time, too. The night ended with me pushing her incapacitated car into a new parking spot, giving it a jump start, and sharing a nice hearty hug afterwards. I smiled all the way home.

May the rest of your days be filled with jumpstarts, hearty hugs, and lasting smiles. Oh, and open doors. Take care. Maybe we'll cross paths someday. Until then . . .

GentlemanLeisure 54M
192 posts
9/29/2005 4:32 am

Evie, so sorry to have missed you.
I just discovered your blog now.. some 3 days after you turned off your profile.
Can I say, it is *always* a pleasure to come across someone with such a lucid writing style. One who can articulate herself so well. I find it tremendously sexy.
After all, flirting is the prelude to (hopefully) better things - and the best form of flirting is verbal.
Just one final comment.
"I'm tired of being pathetic"???
You certainly don't come across like that. You seem very aware of what's happening and determined to do something about it. That is strength. No doubt, the time away will allow you some answers to the questions raging inside your head. I hope enough to bring you back here - if only to share more of your thoughts with us.
Yes, there are selfish people in this world. And you have enough dignity to rise above that. And some people are noble enough to treat people right. I can't help but feel you're already on your way to enjoying some of that.

Take good care,


IPman 60M
313 posts
10/19/2005 11:37 am

Dear Empress,

I just wanted to take a moment and let you know I miss you and your whacky posts. I know I go through periods of nuttiness, have fun, and then get blue. I hope like me you come back sometime... Good luck with your studies... and your inner conversation...

You are missed!

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