This is my place for Uninsightful Adolescent Ramblings. If anyone actually finds it, reads it, and heaven forbid, makes a comment on it, I'll be very surprised.
LEAVE ME A PRIVATE NOTE JUST BETWEEN US Comments will not show up, so if you want to leave me a private note, ask me a question in private, or even have a go at me... here's your chance.
The "Brief Safe" is an innovative diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you're traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4" x 10" secret compartment with Velcro closure and "special markings" on the lower rear portion.
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Leave the "Brief Safe" in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room - even the most hardened burgler or most curious snoop will "skid" to a screeching halt as soon as they see them. (Wouldn't you?)
Made in USA. One size. Color: white (w/ brown skidmark).
I have a confession to make... my main profile pic is not really my pic. Yep, I'm just like everyone else on this site... fake pics, lies, stood up on dates, etc.
But I'd like an opportunity to rectify myself in your eyes. I am posting my real pic, for you to see, right here and now.
This post is a repost by a friend of mine, and I laughed pretty hard, and since he gave me permission to repost it... enjoy!
I am a cop in a suburban mid-Western town of about eighteen thousand people. Last week I got a call about a "suspicious package" on the side of the road to check out. In the post-9/11 era, we get these kinds of calls a lot. The package was on a connector road that's about half-mile long, wooded on both sides.
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I got there and found the package. Sure enough, it did look a little odd. It was a cardboard box about 10" x 6" x 6". It was marked "Anvil", which I recognized as a maker of fasteners used in the construction industry. The road leads to new housing subdivisions, so in that sense it was not out of place.
However, it had been secured closed with black electrical tape wrapped around it both long-ways and cross-ways. Hmmm. I hate these calls because they are always a big nothing -- but I don't want to be the one blown up when it is something. But this area was not a high-risk target area. We do have a couple of international businesses on the other side of town; if this was near there, I may have been more concerned.
In this case, I decided to just satisfy my curiosity and just look inside the box. I cut the electrical tape and opened the flaps. Inside I found paper towels -- the heavy-duty kind that come folded like napkins, only bigger and stronger.
I pushed aside the towels with a twig and found the offensive package. It was not a bomb. (Well, that's debatable.) It was not a chemical weapon. (Well, again, debatable.)
It was a turd.
That's right: a big, fat, brown, corn-laden poo, taped shut in the box with the makeshift shitpaper and discarded on the side of the road.
In twenty years as a cop, I never would have thought I would actually be dispatched to investigate a box of shit. That's what I love about my job -- it's always unpredictable.
It doesn't take the FBI to figure out it was a construction worker who left the package for me to investigate, since it was in a construction area, in a construction-type box, and had the construction-type paper towels and electrical tape. But here's the part only a seasoned police officer (and peculiar crapper) could figure out: the offending crapper was probably Hispanic.
Now, before you think I'm a racist mocking Hispanic hygiene, let me assure you that I am not. Actually, my reasoning is more of a compliment.
The poo had a high content of corn and bits of red pepper. Our friends at the FBI would call that a clue.
More importantly, though, your average American construction worker who had to crap at work would surely have taken the opportunity to saunter to the porta-potty to take a nice long break, have a smoke, and goof off.
A hard-working laborer from Mexico or Guatemala, on the other hand -- the kind who wouldn't stop working for anything -- has to be the man behind this shit story.
I say bravo to him! Although I'd rather next time he not leave his product suspiciously on the side of the road.
I was feeling a little compacted. So I decided to see if laxatives would remedy the problem. Making the purchase was very exciting -- this was my first laxative experience, and I was anxiously anticipating a productive release.
I opened the package of ex-lax laxatives and immediately felt shafted. There were two tiny individually wrapped chocolate bars. It didn't seem like four dollars worth of laxative to me.
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I didn't bother to read the recommended dose because I thought I knew what was best. How could a chocolate laxative be that strong, anyway? So I took an ample bite out of one bar and went to bed.
I woke to mild stomach cramping and farts that could have registered on the Richter Scale. I remember thinking that it was going to be a good day -- farts always seem to brighten things, in my opinion.
In spite of the laxative, I left for work with the absence of a bowel movement. My flatulence situation, however, quickly escalated from amusing to burdensome to alarming within thirty minutes of arriving at work. I found myself on the toilet cramping badly, anticipating the release of a turd the size of a baby.
And then my butt vomited.
I was expelling my whole insides, and it was violent. Sweat was pouring down my face.
After fifteen minutes, I thought it was over. Erroneous.
At least I was companionless in the restroom.
When I finally left the restroom, I started feeling faint in the hall. Thoughts were racing through my head. What if I pass out here? 1) How would I explain this to my co-workers? and 2) I would shit myself if I hit the ground!
I was fortunate enough to make it back to my office without a pile of turd in my pants. I have never pinched my cheeks so hard in my life.
Recurrent from 7:20 AM to 2:30 PM was a process of running to the bathroom. I almost broke down and called someone to escort me to the doctor.
The first thing I did when I arrived home at my apartment was to read the recommended dosage. I already knew I had made a mistake, but it was still a slap in the face. Each chocolate bar had thin lines dividing it into small squares, each square being a dose. Upon sinking my teeth into the bar as if it were a Little Debbie, I consumed roughly three times the amount I should have.
I did not poop for two weeks after this incident. My anus was devastated from the pain of giving birth…through my ass.
I now resort to increasing fiber intake as a solution to constipation.
Yep, this is my 100th post, and it was suggested that I write up a list of 100 things about me, that other people might not know… so here we go… 100 things about me.
1.) When I was born the doctor took one look at me and instead of spanking me, he slapped my parents. 2.) I was so ugly they put tinted windows on my incubator, so as not to scare off other families from the nursery. 3.) My birth certificate was stapled to an apology letter from the condom factory. 4.) When I was a kid, my parents took me to the zoo. The zookeeper said, "Thanks for bringing him back." 5.) I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. 6.) It’s a good thing I can't get my hands pregnant. 7.) I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose. 8.) The older I get, the more I believe we should respect the elderly. 9.) I've known four different Lukes, and not one of them has been warm. 10.) I used to exercise. Now I just hold in my stomach. 11.) I've never made an "easy payment." 12.) I think Hypochondriacs are sick. 13.) I'd lift weights, but they're too damn heavy. 14.) The last thing I want a relationship to become is serious. 15.) Women like to spoon in bed; I just wanna fork. 16.) I believe there's a big drug problem in America: I can't find any! 17.) I have an inborn talent for recognizing women from behind. 18.) If I were a bear, I'd only eat Jehovah's Witnesses. 19.) I think Hemorrhoids are a pain in the ass. 20.) I once had sex with all the windows open. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. 21.) My mom never saw the irony in calling me a “son of a bitch.” 22.) I used to wake up grumpy; other times I just let her sleep in. 23.) I once took an IQ test and the results were negative. 24.) I can handle pain… until it hurts. 25.) I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. 26.) I never used to finish sentences, but now I 27.) I once went to the fights, and a Hockey Game broke out. 28.) I realized I was a dyslexic when I was seventeen. I went to a Toga Party dressed as a goat. Dyslexics of the world – Untie! 29.) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 30.) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... 31.) I have the body of a god... Buddha. 32.) I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 33.) I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 34.) If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees. 35.) I’ve often wondered - If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? 36.) It may be that my sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 37.) Let's just say I don't respond well to authority. 38.) My life's really not so awful--it just seems that way when I'm awake. 39.) I’ve learned that nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 40.) I plan to be spontaneous. Tomorrow. 41.) I’ve learned that sex on the television can't hurt you… unless you fall off. 42.) I support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. 43.) I’ve learned that the more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 44.) The only time the world beats a path to my door is if I’m in the bathroom taking a shit. 45.) There are times that try my soul, like after eating at a Mexican restaurant. 46.) I have only two things to worry about -- either that things will never get back to normal, or that they already have. 47.) Where there's a will... I want to be in it. 48.) I’ve learned that when I’m drunk, I can't fall off the floor. 49.) I never really learned how to swear until I learned how to drive. 50.) I’ve learned that writing with a broken pencil is pointless. 51.) I’ve learned that having a lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. 52.) I have a photographic memory, which was never developed. 53.) When I saw my first strands of gray hair, I just thought I'd dye. 54.) I was incomplete until I was married. Then I was finished. 55.) I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. 56.) It's not hard for me to meet my expenses... they're everywhere. 57.) I don’t own a cat, one thing is for certain – there will be no box of shit in my house. 58.) Jogging would appeal to me more if I were crippled. 59.) The Kama Sutra has been around for years, only I call it Naked Twister. 60.) I'm safe from identity theft: Nobody wants to be me. 61.) My ancestors didn’t have vacuum cleaners or dishwashers. They had slaves. 62.) I'll debate so long as no one disagrees with me. 63.) I’ve heard that in hell, they play nothing but Christian music. 64.) I know one thing for certain. Big tits = big trouble. 65.) Sometimes I wish that women had “mute” buttons. 66.) I don’t believe our forefathers gave their lives so that we could elect George W Bush. 67.) If I want revenge on a married man, I just call his house and hang up every time his wife answers. 68.) My problem with born-again Christians is that they're always people I wish were never born in the first place. 69.) My motto: If she is not, at this very moment, breast-feeding a baby, she's available. 70.) If we ever master time travel, I would like to go back and find the person who discovered calories and beat him to a pulp. 71.) I'm way too smart for egotism. 72.) My ex-wife and I had different tastes in movies: I liked the good ones, and she liked the stupid ones. 73.) What I could really use is freedom from the press. 74.) I think what we could really use is a "Caller I.Q." 75.) If they raise the cost of stamps one more time, I'll be the one going postal. 76.) I know when I'm cranky, because everyone around me starts acting like idiots. 77.) I hope I never grow so old that farts stop being funny. 78.) If my ex-wife has taught me anything, it is this: No matter what in the world I am doing, I should be doing it differently. 79.) I used to own a lie detector. I called her "honey." 80.) I know three songs by Britney Spears, and I can't stand all four of them. 81.) I've started sleeping 12 hours a day. The economy being what it is, I can't afford to stay awake longer than that. 82.) I hate people that put their cell phone on speaker… not only do we have to listen to one asshole, but now two assholes. 83.) I’m pissed that Preparation H costs $10 per tube. Talk about taking it up the ass. 84.) No matter how bad this economy gets, I'm rich at the dollar store. 85.) I think I was hooked on pot once, but I can't remember. 86.) Everyone has that uncle you just can't trust. Mine is Uncle Sam. 87.) I'm not spoiled -- I just smell that way. 88.) I think there should be a place at the airport to have sex -- you know, for when flights are delayed. 89.) Hollywood phone numbers always start with 555, but I think it should be 666. 90.) My dad said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." That's when I decided to become a mime. 91.) My ex-mother-in-law doesn’t know it, but I always turned the passenger side airbag off when she was riding in the car with me. 92.) I'm a morning person -- that's when I get my best sleep in. 93.) I know that an Octopus has 8 tentacles -- I’ve always wanted to have an Octopenis. 94.) I found it hard to explain a paper cut on my penis. 95.) I think women are more concerned with the bulge in my back pocket than the bulge in the front. 96.) I’d be willing to bet that Chinese skywriters get really dizzy. 97.) I believe that if God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good. 98.) I believe that a loud, obnoxious fart is Mother Nature’s contribution to humor. 99.) I was so poor growing up, that if I weren’t born a baby boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.
…and last but not least… The slogan I live my life by:
100.)
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Life is short, so party I must.
I hope you feel like you know a little more about me now… Have a nice lay.
God, I've been sitting here playing on the computer for a couple of hours. I got up to go to the bathroom. When I came back in the room it smelled like shit in here!
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I never knew my farts would just linger around the room like a cloud of poop. I must have become acclimated to it, before I left the room. Maybe I should go to the Doctor and find out what crawled up inside my ass and died?
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Charles, you know that fur coat you promised me and never bought? Well, I bought it with the insurance money."
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes and then said, "Charles, remember that new car you promised me and never bought? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Charles, that emerald necklace you promised me and never bought? Well, I bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Charles, remember that blow job I promised you? ........ Well, here it comes!"
This post is written in code. The first one to crack the code and replies with the text wins! Good luck!
I am writing this post in the font called "webdings" because I was bored out of my skull, and I was letting stupid little things annoy me. Can you crack the code?
A man walks into a bar one afternoon and says to the manager, "I see your sign 'Piano player needed, well I'm your man, I write all my own material."
"You see the piano," said the manager, "Play me a tune."
The piano player rocked out with a boogie-woogie that had the manager stomping his feet. "That was great," he said, "What do you call it?"
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"I call it 'Let me Fuck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed!'" said the pianist.
"Well," said the manager, "uh....that certainly is an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one."
The piano player played a haunting melody that brought tears to the manager's eyes it was so beautiful. "What do you call that tune?" asked the manager.
"I call it 'Open your mouth wide and swallow it all when I Cum.'" said the pianist.
The manager replied, "Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but would you be terribly offended if I asked you not to announce the titles to your compositions? The crowd in here is a little more upper class. They might find the names offensive."
"Not at all," replied the pianist, "You pay, I'll play."
That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set. When they finally let him take a break, he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss.
On the way out, one of the patrons stopped him and whispered, "Wow! you play great!! But tell me, do you know your fly's open and your penis is hanging out?"
