This is my place for Uninsightful Adolescent Ramblings. If anyone actually finds it, reads it, and heaven forbid, makes a comment on it, I'll be very surprised.
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On April 11, 2008 Wisconsin took it’s first step in the war on stinky air by eliminating farting in public places.
The State is trying to take back clean air by the total elimination of flatulence in public places.
Farting would be eliminated in all public places in Wisconsin. For bars and restaurants farting would be permitted in outdoor farting patios. For the sake of safety these farting patios must be separated from the smoking patio. Farting will be totally eliminated from all places of employment. All places of business must have a "no farting" sign(pictured) prominently displayed with a number to call in case of violations.
Fines may be levied on each violation of the law. An individual may receive a warning, fine, or prison time. A business that allows farting may be fined up to $2,500 per occurrence and may be shut down.
Police shall be equipped with fart-sniffing dogs.
I personally believe that there should be an alternative to this ridiculous law. I think that bars and restaurants could open farting and non-farting sections. Some businesses could be designated as farting businesses while others would be designated as non-farting.
1. It doesn't matter whether you poop for peace at home, work, or a Starbucks in between. What matters is this: leave your newspaper on the couch. Leave your magazine at your desk. Enter the bathroom with nothing to distract you, with only this printout to guide you.
2. Close the door, bare your butt, and sit on the toilet as normal. Do not, however, yet poop.
Instead, focus on that feeling in your colon. Think about it. Savor it. Analyze it -- this pressure, this urgency, this unrelenting imperative no man or woman can deny. Think of the millions of people in your country feeling the exact same urgency at the exact same time. Think of the BILLIONS of people in the world who felt this urgency in the last twenty-four hours.
There are six billion people in the world, and every single one of us is intimately familiar with the exact sensation you're experiencing right now.
3. Now, let it flow. And as you do -- think of the rich man, with all his finery. think of the President, with all his power. think of Osama bin Laden, with all his anger. think of Katherine Hepburn, with all her grace. think of the Iraqi people, with all their problems. think of Kurt Vonnegut, with all his genius. think of the migrant worker, with all his worries. think of the Dalai Lama, with all his holiness. think of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, with all her responsibility. think of Brett Favre, with all his prowess. think of the Queen, with all her dignity. think of your mother, with all her love. Think of the one thing they have in common.
4. Finish your poop.
5. As you stand up, look down. This is the sight that greets Martha Stewart every morning in her mansion. This is the sight that greets Prince Charles every morning in his castle. No matter your skin color, your religion, or your sex, this is proof of your membership in the human race.
This brown monolith, bobbing gently in the jaundiced water, represents the most basic human urges. Each one of us -- popes, presidents, politicians, patriots, peasants, policemen, your parents, and on -- each one of us has the same needs, wants, and desires. We all must eat, must drink, and must poop. Whatever our differences are, they pale in comparison to the great commonality: we are all human beings. And boy, does each of us stink.
6. Flush the toilet.
Let the sound of the water cleanse you of your antagonistic world view. As your stagnant grogan drains down the pipes, let your antipathy drain with it. And that clear, clean, fresh water refilling in the bowl -- let that represent the purity of your soul, refreshed and renewed as your still-quivering asshole.
7. Leave this printout in the bathroom for the next pooper.
Today, humanity stands on the brink. Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Israel, Darfur... across the world, violence and anger overwhelm any progress towards peace and liberty. We are a divided species, basing our hatreds on even the most arbitrary classifications, unable to move past our quarrels to embrace common humanity. Since difference is all we can see, suffering is all we can expect.
That's why you should go poop right now.
Because, April 13, is Poop For Peace Day.
click to enlarge
Poop For Peace Day is not about protest or partisanship or politics. Poop For Peace Day is about acknowledging the fundamental basis of shared humanity: black or white, liberal or conservative, Christian or Muslim or Jew, we are all united in struggle against the tyranny of the bowel.
So, as you grunt out your morning constitutional, think of the billions of people all across the world who are undergoing the exact same struggle. Think of the children of Iraq and the children of America. Think of Bush and bin Laden, and think about the fact the twelve hours following Taco Bell are going to unfold for each of them in the exact same way. Think about how our differences are irrelevant -- we're all human beings. Our poop proves it.
Empathy through excrement. Brotherhood through bowel movement. Utopia through undulating butt pythons. Today, April 13, 2008, war is over -- if you grunt it.
So go to the bathroom and drop a grumper for your fellow man. And then come back here and proclaim it to the world.
