This is my place for Uninsightful Adolescent Ramblings. If anyone actually finds it, reads it, and heaven forbid, makes a comment on it, I'll be very surprised.
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Announcing the very first oh-so-special 'Hunt for the Holy Grail' Scavenger Hunt.
Don't miss the opportunity to have your blog included in this very interactive and fun meet and greet game. All interested bloggers are asked to submit their blog as one of the stops on the Scavenger Hunt. All interested scavenger hunt players will visit the final list of blogs and determine which site matches which clue. If there are more than 20 interested players several scavenger hunt games will be played.
On the day of the Scavenger Hunt a list of participating blogs and their links will be posted. The post will also include all the clues necessary to play the hunt for the Holy Grail. Players will be asked to submit their answers via email or on this private post here: The Hunt for The Holy Grail which will give all players a chance to play without time constraints. The Game will run for 4 or 5 days which will allow time to visit the participating blogs and match clues to sites.
A small example: One clue could have a direct quote from a Blogs Tag Line or a small piece of information within.
Complete instructions will be offered when the game is launched.
Doctor's True Incident: One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
This true story dates from 1940:Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.
Farting Etiquette (from the Complete Book and the Little Book of Farting)
* Never fart and then embrace your lover whilst wearing and overcoat on a cold day. As we know, hot air rises and your stench will travel upwards and emanate from beneath your coat lapels. Your embrace will be very short as the noxious substance hits your loved one's nostrils.
* Farting in bed (blanket ripping) and then pulling back the covers and sniffing one's own fart is a perfectly acceptable practice. However, pushing your loved one's head under (or Dutch-ovening) must rank as a crime against humanity! This is a very common male habit and I cannot stress enough that it is very unpleasant for the victim.
Farters Anonymous: True Farting Confessions (from the Complete Book of Farting)
Hello, my name is Yvette and I am a farter. One night as I was preparing for bed by brushing my teeth in the bathroom, I stopped by my parents' room to hear my father's snoring, which was always worth a listen. As he began to get louder and louder, I just shook my head and wondered how anyone could sleep with that. All of a sudden, a fart came out loud enough to wake the dead and my dad let out one of those my-sleep-got-interrupted snorts. My mum also woke up and thought it was thunder outside. My dad blamed her, which was rich. I laughed so much I could not get to sleep for hours.. My dad still insists he does not snore. My mum and I still joke about it. ---Yvette C., London
Hello, my name is Bob and I am a farter. I have quite a reputation for amusing uncouth behavior but farting is one of my specialties. Once I was getting out of the shower and my wife Pam was in the bathroom talking to me. I felt a powerful fart building and asked her to inspect my ass, saying that I thought I had a cut back there. As soon as her face was near my ass, I let loose with a long, wet, resounding blast that sounded extra special within the confines of our tiny bathroom. I feel that I must inform you that this will be the last time I tell this story, as I have been informed by Pam that it is 'No longer funny.' ---Bob C., Salisbury
Today I went to the mall to see one of my friends that was working there. I am walking towards the escalator and there is this heavy-set woman in front of me. She steps on the down escalator and so do I about 10-12 feet behind her. After a few seconds I catch this putrid cloud of fart smell, super nasty. I figured it was a passing fart and it would pass by but it didn't. The fart rode down the escalator as an invisible cloud between me and this woman. I was so shocked by the smell that I didn't even think about holding my breath until we reached the bottom. On my drive home and while eating dinner I got flashbacks of the smell. This woman was fat, had a mullet (the tail of the mullet was sweaty) and she had sweat-shorts on that were riding in her ass-crack. I hope I don't have nightmares tonight. Escalator farts are almost as bad as elevator farts, you can't get away. The F'd up part is the people behind me probably thought I was the one that farted. I was close to looking back and shaking my head and quietly saying "it wasn't me."
Some artists from the 1960s are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us -- good news, for those feeling a little older and missing those great tunes.
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker" The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip" The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone" Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends" Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts" Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair" Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now" Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Nappin'" ABBA - "Denture Queen" Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver" Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face" Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom" Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
Jan 26, 2008 8:03 pm Mood: getting drunk, 400 Views
Well, I'm back online again after a long month of being without a computer... among other things happening in my life.
It all started on Jan. 2nd when I was sitting right here chatting with urgezz53593 on Instant Messenger and I spilled a beer on my iBook laptop computer, and totally fried it. NOT A PROBLEM... it's a company computer that I use for work(I work out of my home,) and I'll just get another one(which I finally did - 23 days later.) I called corporate HQ the next day and spoke to the owner's son(who is the IT guru for the company) and told him about the diet coke I so unfortunately knocked up against. He promised that I'd have a new laptop within 7 days...
I had NO computer, so I started watching TV(which I rarely do.) My 52nd birthday was on the 8th, so I actually went out to a bar to treat myself to a celebration, that night. 2 days later, I get a call from my sister and she's got bad news... our youngest sister had just died in her apartment of a probable stroke. I was really kinda numb, and must say I really hadn't grasped the reality of her death at all.... AND STILL NO COMPUTER!
I spent the next few days dealing with all of this FUCKING SNOW that we've been blessed with(WTF is going on?) Her visitation and funeral were scheduled for the 16th and 17th. That's when the REAL reality of it all actually settled in.... I was traumatized. I've been drinking a lot in the last couple of weeks just to take the pain and memories away(although, I'm back to working and running my daily appointments set by corporate HQ.
They finally mailed me a new computer, and yesterday I was officially back on-line after 23 days.
I need a drinking buddy once in awhile... feel free to contact me, if you're free and feel the same way...
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her bottom was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000... please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
At 85 years of age, Morris married LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband was so old, LouAnne decided that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepared herself for bed, and waited for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.
LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?”
* Compliment her * cuddle her * kiss her * caress her * love her * stroke he * tease her * comfort her * protect her * hug her * hold her * spend money on her * wine her, dine her and 69 her * listen to her * care for her * stand by her * go to the ends of the earth for her...
NOT A PROBLEM... it's a company computer that I use for work(I work out of my home,) and I'll just get another one(which I finally did - 23 days later.) I called corporate HQ the next day and spoke to the owner's son(who is the IT guru for the company) and told him about the diet coke I so unfortunately knocked up against. 
He promised that I'd have a new laptop within 7 days...
