This is my place for Uninsightful Adolescent Ramblings. If anyone actually finds it, reads it, and heaven forbid, makes a comment on it, I'll be very surprised.
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Feb 26, 2008 10:55 am Mood: Hard, still..., 450 Views
I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled this morning. The dentist pulled out a needle to numb the area. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" I shouted.
The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and, "I can't do the gas thing! The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asked if I had any objection to taking a pill.
"No," I said, "I am fine with pills."
The dentist said, "OK, here is a Viagra tablet."
I replied: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth...
An older married couple had no sooner hit the pillows when the husband farted and said, "Seven Points."
His wife rolled over and asked, "What in the world is that all about?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife let one go and said, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man let another one rip and claimed, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone, the wife ripped off yet another stinker and proclaimed, "Touchdown, tie score."
A few seconds go by and she let out a little squeaker and said, "Field Goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the husband. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally shit the bed.
So what's on your list of top ten things to do before you bite the dust, buy the farm, fall off your perch, give up the ghost, pop your clogs, or you guessed it, "kick the bucket?"
Here's mine...
1. Fall deeply in love -- helplessly and unconditionally. 2. Shower in a waterfall. 3. Walk on water. 4. Have a threesome with two girls and just one of me. 5. Join the Mile High Club. 6. Piss on a police car. 7. Win the lottery. 8. Talk to a politician in Pig Latin. 9. Star in a Budweiser commercial and belch louder than Booger in "Revenge of the Nerds." 10. Photo-copy my ass.
Very professional, and I'll come to you. I offer several other services, as well. I'll even 'numb' you before the procedure, if you require it (this is much preferred.)
If the decision to bring new life into the world is deemed one of life's toughest challenges, so too is the decision parents make about whether or not to circumcise their son.
"To cut or not to cut" has fast become one of America's most hotly debated parenting issues. Over the last fifteen years, hundreds of groups opposed to routine infant circumcision have sprung up around the country.
Well, my parents decided to have me circumcised at birth... and I'm here to tell you....
IT HURTS!
It hurt so damn bad I couldn't even walk for a whole year.
The following post has to be the worst I've ever experienced in my time on this site. Stop by and leave her a little comment about how great her writing is.
I couldn't get by the 1st sentence, and my head was spinning.
As a kid, I recall setting up my Grandma for an embarrassing moment.
We were having a large family gathering at her house and everyone was sitting around the living room. All seats were taken except one. The center seat on the couch was still open and Grandma hadn't sat down yet. I quickly grabbed the whoopee cushion that I had in our car, inflated it, and placed it just under the front edge of the couch cushion. The valve was barely hanging out the front. My whole family watched what I was doing and was in on the joke.
My grandma entered the room and took her seat.
Pttthhppppptthh!
She was horrified! The rest of us thought it was hilarious.
I hate it when telemarketers call my home offering all of the crap of the day. I don’t like being overly rude to them as I realize that they are just the ground troops and that the directors are the real villains.
Anyhow last night someone was trying to sell me life insurance over the telephone and they wouldn’t take no for an answer. No matter what I said they’d keep on coming back, offering slightly better deals each time. I was quickly losing my mind and running out of options. I needed a solution. That’s when I thought of my ass.
I sat down and positioned myself in a fart-stance. I then shouted down the phone, “Get a load of this Sonny!” and let off this tremendous fart. I was literally in hysterics afterwards. Anyway I asked the telemarketer what he thought of my fart and he said he couldn’t hear it.
I was emotionally drained by now and told him that I had to go, and he still wouldn’t relent with his sales pitch. I started sobbing on the phone line and explained that I needed to take a shit desperately.
I asked him for his name and address, scribbled it down on the front of an envelope and pulled down both my pants and my undies. I carefully positioned the envelope below my asshole and did some diarrhea squirts into it. Impressed that I hadn’t missed the envelope at all, I put down the phone and slapped a stamp on the envelope and mailed it to him this morning.
I know this is a bit childish but he had it coming. People need to realize that there things in life other than, “the sale”.
Years ago, I worked in a large movie theater as an usher. There were many days I was too busy to run to the bathroom, off the floor to fart.
So... I would just find the oldest Grandma in her seat, walk by her and drop my bomb.
Usually, these Grannies were with their grown children too... Embarrassed that Grandma had just dropped a putrid stinker, they would escort her off to the restroom, usually under protest.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the ass. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher again asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-fourth child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that Goddamn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!
