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The first day of my Life as a Woman
The first day of my Life as a Woman
Between the travails of my St Maarten experience and the paucity of Inbox action, I’ve decided it’s just too darn hard to be a guy. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, I say!
Yes, that’s right, I’ve decided to become a woman! I think this will be the answer to all my problems. I’ll get all the action I want, I’ll understand how my partners think, and I don’t even have to be gay. What could be more perfect?
I know D will understand. Although she’s barely even bi-curious these days (“EarthShiva, women are such a pain in the ass sometimes. Why would I want to bother when there are men around?” Hail, sister! Well met! Besides, we’re soul-mates. That trumps any of this corporal bullshit.
So I called the surgeon’s office. They gave me some song and dance about psychological profiling and a six month waiting period. Fuck that shit! I got the interview scheduled in two weeks. I’ll wave a C-note under that Doc’s nose and get right to the front of the line. (You go right ahead and laugh. In these days of managed care, you’d be amazed what most doctors will do for an extra hundred bucks of pin money!) Sounds like a good investment to me. Six months extra womanhood is roughly 24 weekends. That’s 48 weekend nights, Dinner out times 48 is at least $3500 in surf n’ turf dinners and beer. Oops! I meant Chardonnay.
So it’ll take my body some time to follow my intentions, but I’ve already taken the first big step. I set up my AdultFriendFinder profile! Sure enough, I’ve got 68 messages in my Inbox. Hot damn! I knew I was going to be the life!
Oh, shit!. The first two are from AdultFriendFinder. Dumbass messages about how to meet people safely. Guess if I’m going to be a woman and give up these rock-hard muscles, I’d better start thinking about that. Meet in a public place? Bring along a girlfiend? What is this bulshit? If I had a girlfriend, would I be cutting my nuts off?
Oh, here’s a real profile wyldstalyun69. Hmph! He thinks he’s getting’ in my pants, he’s got another thing coming to him. What’s with the dick picture? I’m still a guy, so I couldn’t give a fuck about getting a face shot, but buddy, can you at least show me you don’t have a monster beer gut? Besides, your dick is at least an inch shorter than the one I’m chopping off. Ya can’t expect me to impressed wit that! I think I can do better. (Note to self: ask Doctor if used parts can be auctioned to the less fortunate.) Next!
GomerPyleDryver, huh? Very sexy moniker, I must say. Tells me volumes about your warmth, sensitivity and literacy. I know you’ll treat me like a lady, as soon as I become one, that is. Oh. So you want to what? In every orifice? Does that include nasal passages? Gee, do you think we might have a drink before you start telling me about the importance of anal sex in your life? I mean, really, I’m about to go through a major procedure to put a fancy foyer on my sacred temple, and first thing on your mind is squeezing in the service entrance? Next!
Zorro4Whorros? Cute! Not sure I like you getting to be the quasi-superhero while I get to be the hired help, though. Especially when I can still kick your skinny ass for the next two weeks, pal! Nice unit, I must say. You sure won’t be bidding at the auction! Next!
Xxxfundogxxx? Buddy, I’m sure you’re a nice guy, but there’s just nothing exciting about you! You don’t sound happy and you don’t sound fun. What’ your problem? You don’t really think hot babes like me come here to fix your lonely, miserable little life, do you? No way. I’m hot! I’m looking for action, and I know how to get it. So get back to me when you get the Chriscraft, or something to smile about. Next!
ProfessorNaughty? You really think you’re going to make me cum and cum and cum and cum and cum? Maybe you’ll just make me go! Sorry, pal! I’ve spent enough time on your side of the fence to know how it works. If you have to tell me how great you are, I don’t really believe you. There’s vibrators that can do everything you promise. And, by the way, since you say you’re straight, stop comparing yourself to other men. In six weeks I’ll have more experience with other men than you do! Next!
MondoStudmuffin? Oh, puleeze! You’re 26 years old! You think you have something to teach me? I’ve been getting high quality regular sex since before you heard of puberty, sonny!
As for the rest of my inbox fuck buddies, thanks, but I’m just not interested in cutting off my package so I can see you once in a while and send you home to your unsuspecting wife, nor am I interested in travelling three hours or more to see you.
Oh my God! I’m turning into one of those heartless bitches that deletes emails without responding! I don’t want to live like that! Yet, I can see the writing on the wall. If I’m going to be a woman, I want to be one of those kind, gracious ones that answers every email with a gentle “no thank you”. One day into this, and I can see I’ll never have the time to live up to that ideal, what with Pilates classes and all. Being a woman is going to to be way harder than I though it would. Guess I’ll leave the ole family jewels in place, after all.
Besides, from the look of things, my odds of getting some action as a guy have never been better!
9/6/2006 6:34 am
Interesting perspectives! I learned a few things actually
9/6/2006 7:29 am
It is an education, isn't it? I was suprised by what I learned and certainly came away with more confidence in who I was and in how to present myself in a way that would be heard, appreciated and welcomed.|
9/6/2006 11:53 am
Love it, EarthShiva!|
I'd still fancy you if you were a woman.
Blogito ergo sum.