What is Your Biggest Fear?  

duststormdiva 51F
7253 posts
10/29/2005 9:28 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

What is Your Biggest Fear?

I was reading kyplowboy22's blog [post 128997] and for some reason it make me think of my biggest fear. It just dawned on me why I have this fear, maybe I can start sleeping better at nights now that the realization has set in.

My sister, at the age of 36, died in her sleep. She left behind four children she gave birth to and six children that belonged to her present husband at the time. The youngest was 9.

There are nights I lay in bed and pray I won't die (most nights). My biggest fear is leaving behind my children to go through the rest of their lives without a mother.

There may be something wrong with me that keeps me single. Whether it's a choice of my own, or something men just don't like, or maybe it's Gods plan, I don't know. It could be I turned away my soul mate on many occassions, but didn't know it. But one thing I do know is that I am a most excellent mother.

I have three kids, 18, 12 and 8. Notice the age differences? Six years between my oldest and second child. And four years between the second and third. Ladies and Gentlemen, I was only married to my youngests father, and that was for only 8 months. I have three kids, three different fathers.

My oldest, well, it's one of those things. I don't know who his father is. I was rather promiscuous in my younger days, got pregnant.

Six years down the line, I met my middle childs father at church. He was a recent convert and we hit it off. Well, one drunken night . . . let's just say, pregnancy does occur even with out penetration.

He denied he was the father. He said that I was a slut and I slept around. Six years earlier, yes I would have fit that description, but I had calmed down after becoming a mother. So, no hooking up with this guy because I was having his baby. He is one of the few people that I loathe. I will dance on his grave the day he dies. But that's another blog.

When my second child was three, I met my ex husband. It was a whirlwind romance. We met in February, got pregnant and engaged in March and Married in April and separated in May. The divorce was final one week after she was born in December.


As fucked up as the situations were for me to bring these chidren into this world, they became my world. I love them more than words can say.

I watched my sisters kids struggle after her death. Their lives have been hell. She died, in January, it will be 11 years ago. Spring of 1999 one of her daughters was killed in a tragic car accident. Her son was sent to prison a couple of years ago for sexually abusing his step brothers. Her oldest daughters husband was killed in a car accident a year and a half ago.

If I died, my children would all be split up. Their sperm donors would have the first choice to get custody of them and I know for sure that my second childs father would rip her away from her family, he's a bastard that way. And my baby, well her father has not seen her since she was 1, his choice.

I would like to think that I could have my son who is nearly 19 raise them, but that would not happen. I tried going through the courts to set up custody in the even I die before they are old enough to take care of themselves. But my lawyer told me the fathers have first choice.

It would be bad enough that I died, but for them to be split up would be tragic.

I am the type of a person whose fears are built upon something I have seen happen. When I was pregnant with my youngest child, a dear friend of mine lost her baby due to SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). The baby was seven months old. I knew when my baby was born, she was going to take a breath and die. She will be 9 in December.

This is just a small example of how things I see feed my fears. I have a tendency to over react, and most times no one knows what goes on through my mind but me. No one knows about how most nights I pray to God that I get to live until my kids are grown. No one knows that at times I cry myself to sleep because my fear of dying in my sleep is so great. No one knows how scared I am to leave my children without a "good" parent.

It was good for me to vent this. I keep way too much bottled up.

Caption:

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance.

-- Maxine



DustStormDiva



kyplowboy22 61M

10/29/2005 10:58 am

Damn, didn't aim to get all that started. lol Hope you resolution and peace to the things that trouble you. Later

kpb


digdug41 49M

10/29/2005 11:10 am

thank you for sharing that with us here in blogland thats why I love your blog you always come straight from your heart and I appreciate that.my biggest fear is to backtrack the way I've come from my life was pure hell and I created it now I'm off on this new way and it is scary for me to be so responsible at times and I just wanna say fuck it when the pressure is on but god has been with me in my endeavors to a clean and sober life and my behavior and attitude has changed dramatically I would hate for something outside of my self to push me back the way I've come but I'm convinced now that everything happens for a reason so when adversity does rear its ugly head and that is everyday just about I am able to deal with it I dont know how I do but I just do and my fear is slowly disapating. thanx again for showing me another piece of your soul

roaming the cyber streets of blogland


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
10/29/2005 12:39 pm

kyplowboy22 it started when I was typing my comments on your blog. I'd love to see pictures of the country side on your little farm. I miss the green. Arizona is very little green.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
10/29/2005 12:53 pm

I can't get this post to stick.

digdug41 I can't even compare my life to the life you lived. My only addiction is cigarettes, but that has not ruined my life or my children’s life. I am so proud of those, like you, that have overcome the odds and beat drugs. Here's to another lifetime of sobriety!

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
10/29/2005 6:41 pm

BigGirlzRSweet how scary that must have been for you.

DustStormDiva


HORNYVIKING722 44M
1023 posts
10/30/2005 4:20 am

I ain't scared of sh**....

except for maybe my mom. ^_^


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
10/30/2005 10:26 pm

HORNYVIKING722 and you should be afriad of your mother.

DustStormDiva


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
10/31/2005 6:48 am

After I had my heart attack...10 years ago. I was terrifed of having one in my sleep....and dying.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
10/31/2005 11:31 am

slidein2meplz how did you over come it?

DustStormDiva


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