Think Before You Speak  

duststormdiva 51F
7253 posts
2/7/2006 12:36 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Think Before You Speak


I got this in an email and about peed my pants reading it, I had to share.

Here are 6 reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one Is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did...

FIRST TESTIMONY

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in awhile, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story...

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So! Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

DustStormDiva



rm_willie8one2 70M
573 posts
2/7/2006 5:48 pm

LMAF, I am send then to some friends, thanks for the laff's.


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/7/2006 6:48 pm

    Quoting rm_willie8one2:
    LMAF, I am send then to some friends, thanks for the laff's.
I was trying to read these to my son today and could not hardly do it because I was laughing so hard.

DustStormDiva


TTigerAtty 62M

2/7/2006 7:32 pm

Great! That second one about the "men's golf balls" ... that has actually happened to me and my lady golfing partner in a golf pro shop! I couldn't hit a decent golf shot that day! I think she said that just to screw with my concentration. We always had some sort of sex bet on our golf rounds and that day she won! No blow job for me that night!


hooks1952 64M

2/7/2006 8:00 pm

Thanks , may I share one with you? Here it is anyway. While I was still married I told my ex that I wanted some duck head kakki pants to wear to work , so she went to the store and when the clerk asked her if she could help , my ex said yes ya'll got any of them dick head pants in here. Needless to say I was informed to go and buy my own damn pants.

hooks


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/7/2006 9:17 pm

We all need a good laught now and then.

DustStormDiva


elysianpleasure 47M

2/7/2006 9:37 pm

I've saw this before a long time ago... but still LMAO reading it.


mangomamiCT 41F

2/7/2006 10:23 pm

perfect


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/7/2006 11:13 pm

    Quoting TTigerAtty:
    Great! That second one about the "men's golf balls" ... that has actually happened to me and my lady golfing partner in a golf pro shop! I couldn't hit a decent golf shot that day! I think she said that just to screw with my concentration. We always had some sort of sex bet on our golf rounds and that day she won! No blow job for me that night!
Isn't it great how a woman can use her womanly whiles to get what she wants? teehee... I love that!

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/7/2006 11:14 pm

    Quoting hooks1952:
    Thanks , may I share one with you? Here it is anyway. While I was still married I told my ex that I wanted some duck head kakki pants to wear to work , so she went to the store and when the clerk asked her if she could help , my ex said yes ya'll got any of them dick head pants in here. Needless to say I was informed to go and buy my own damn pants.

    hooks
That is just too great! LOL I love it!

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/7/2006 11:15 pm

    Quoting elysianpleasure:
    I've saw this before a long time ago... but still LMAO reading it.
I remember it from a long time ago as well. I had a great deep belly laugh over them today. I had to share.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/7/2006 11:17 pm

Exactly!

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/7/2006 11:18 pm

I love a good laugh.

DustStormDiva


dasher121 36M

2/8/2006 3:43 am

yes that did feel good hahaha. and actually, the last one, a friend had told me about not too long ago they saw that broadcast as a blooper thing. I just couldnt believe it! And would have loved to see that broadcast. Too damn funny.


kyplowboy22 61M

2/8/2006 4:33 am

Good ones, Dusty. LMAO.

kpb


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/8/2006 5:24 am

    Quoting Goldmember_24kt:
    Nice, Diva. Gawd, glad to know I'm not the only one to ever suffer from foot-in-mouth disease
We all have our moments with that. I know I have! LOL

DustStormDiva


Sorceror07 54M

2/8/2006 5:28 am

omg! that's too funny! lol!! that goes on in the practice studio all the time too... one of us says the wrong thing and it's good for months of levity and heckling

case in point: our lead singer used "just for men" to color his mustache and it gave him a chemical burn, ...our drummer suggested (innocently) next time use a black marker...well! at the next practice our bass player hung a Sharpie from his mic stand and i coined the phrase "just for men is NOT for melvin" (after he shaved it off, which burnt it worse!, i made the comment that he looked like mel gibson from the nose down lol! ...that was good for yet another few weeks of heckling lol!) ...and then there was the answering machine message... you have reached the mustache emergency hotline, press 1 if you have a mustache emergency, press 2 if your upper lip is burnt beyond recognition, press 3 if you forgot that Just For Men is NOT for Melvin, press 4 ....i'm sure you got the picture there lol!

all it takes is one little slip up and it's in for the kill hehehe! and yes, i get it bad all the time too heheh!

...That which does not kill me merely pisses me off!...


goldinboy2 59M

2/8/2006 5:51 am

LOL pretty funny the things we say when we suffer from open mouth insert foot syndrone.


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/8/2006 8:15 am

    Quoting dasher121:
    yes that did feel good hahaha. and actually, the last one, a friend had told me about not too long ago they saw that broadcast as a blooper thing. I just couldnt believe it! And would have loved to see that broadcast. Too damn funny.
I think I remember that as a blooper.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/8/2006 8:17 am



DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/8/2006 8:20 am

    Quoting Sorceror07:
    omg! that's too funny! lol!! that goes on in the practice studio all the time too... one of us says the wrong thing and it's good for months of levity and heckling

    case in point: our lead singer used "just for men" to color his mustache and it gave him a chemical burn, ...our drummer suggested (innocently) next time use a black marker...well! at the next practice our bass player hung a Sharpie from his mic stand and i coined the phrase "just for men is NOT for melvin" (after he shaved it off, which burnt it worse!, i made the comment that he looked like mel gibson from the nose down lol! ...that was good for yet another few weeks of heckling lol!) ...and then there was the answering machine message... you have reached the mustache emergency hotline, press 1 if you have a mustache emergency, press 2 if your upper lip is burnt beyond recognition, press 3 if you forgot that Just For Men is NOT for Melvin, press 4 ....i'm sure you got the picture there lol!

    all it takes is one little slip up and it's in for the kill hehehe! and yes, i get it bad all the time too heheh!
I love that type of teasing. Usually when we get someone that way, we tease them endlessly.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/8/2006 8:30 am

    Quoting goldinboy2:
    LOL pretty funny the things we say when we suffer from open mouth insert foot syndrone.
My group here is ruthless when we screw up. One of my sons friends is very homophobic. And one day they were talking about hotdog buns and he said, "I have buns you can put yor hotdog in!" I know he meant to reverse th at. Well that was like two years ago, and he still has not lived that one down. Oh the stories I could tell of times when people set themselves up to be slaughtered by my inner cicle of friends/family. hahahahah

DustStormDiva


campfirecozy 66M

2/8/2006 8:31 am

Great stories!!! I am still laughing!

Do you remember several years back when Arnold Palmer's wife was asked by Johnny Carson if she did anything for him for good luck. Without thinking, she said, "Yes, I always give his balls a kiss"...to which Carson responded with his dry wit, "I bet that really stiffens his putter!"

P.S.(they settled out of court later)


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/8/2006 10:57 am

    Quoting campfirecozy:
    Great stories!!! I am still laughing!

    Do you remember several years back when Arnold Palmer's wife was asked by Johnny Carson if she did anything for him for good luck. Without thinking, she said, "Yes, I always give his balls a kiss"...to which Carson responded with his dry wit, "I bet that really stiffens his putter!"

    P.S.(they settled out of court later)
That's hilarious. I did miss that episode of Carson. Too bad I did.

DustStormDiva


caressmewell 53F

2/8/2006 3:04 pm

LOL, these were good!


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/8/2006 8:51 pm

    Quoting LusciousAndBent:
    oh that last one is hilarious. Would have loved to seen the look on her face after she said it. LMAO
I had tears in my eyes while I was reading all of those. I needed the laugh.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/9/2006 1:20 pm

Laughter is refreshing.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
2/12/2006 3:37 pm

    Quoting BigGirlzRSweet:
    I've read these before, but they never get any less hilarious! I loved the one about the farts... that one was the funniest to me! Thanks for the morning chuckle!
I have heard them all before, but it still does not stop me from wanting to pee my pants when I read and laugh at them again.

DustStormDiva


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