Kids! This is a venting blog.  

duststormdiva 51F
7253 posts
9/17/2005 12:31 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Kids! This is a venting blog.

I have always had a great relationship with my son, but recently things have gone a bit awry.

He felt he needed to move out less than a month after my father died. He moved in with his girlfriend. But he does not have a job. He does not want to listen to me anymore. For the most part I keep my mouth shut, but when I do say something about his recent choices, he gets pissed and storms off.

He has no idea what he has done to my family. My daughters are really hurt by his recent actions. I am beside myself.

I want my son back!


DustStormDiva



fins_left 47M

9/17/2005 2:43 pm

I really feel for you. Sending you a hug.


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
9/17/2005 4:58 pm

fins_left, thank you. I am glad to have you as a friend.

DustStormDiva


PillsburyCodeBoy 60M

9/17/2005 8:16 pm

If it doesn't get too crowded, I want to give you a hug, too.


TheQuietGuy2005 54M
2386 posts
9/17/2005 9:38 pm

It's awful when this happens. I won't bore you with the story of my amazing disappearing brother but let's just say that, ten years on, my Dad still wonders what went wrong.

But that's the worst possible outcome and it doesn't sound like your son's heading down that path.

It's hard to put Mom feelings to one side and look at it logically so let me do it for you. We all reach that point where we need our own space, our own lives. Some of us manage to achieve that, for some time at least, within the bosom of our families; others - like me, for example - needed to break away to do it.

And yet when we first break away we make mistakes. Some of us keep making them! Yet it's all part of growing up and no amount of advice will stop us making them - what is it they say about learning more from our mistakes than our successes?

And when we break away under, um, unpleasant circumstances it can really hurt everyone concerned ...

But all you can do at this stage is try to support him when he needs it (not necessarily financially, btw - that's part of growing up too) and be open to him if he needs you. "Told you so", doesn't tend to be helpful. Who knows, he may be seeking a home with his family again one day ...

When all's said and done, though, I know this must be hard for you, especially if the girls are upset and my feelings go out to you (((hugs)))


rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
9/17/2005 10:21 pm

HEY! shove overrrrrrrrrrr! I want in on this hugging too!
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My oldest moved out at 18 to live with her guy. I wasnt thrilled. After a year (they were fine, things were good, she kept up her college classes and worked part time) she came home... she wasn't ready to be a grown up yet she said, plenty of time for that later. I hope yours does the same.
sj


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
9/18/2005 2:07 am

PillsburyCodeBoy, Hugs are always welcome, and it won't ever be too crowded.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
9/18/2005 2:15 am

TheQuietGuy2005, Yes, I see everything you advised me on. I see him wanting to break away and become independent, but he really isn't making the mature choices making that change to independence. I want him to grow and learn and be responsible. I want to see him fall and scuff his knees and learn from his mistakes. I know that will only help him to grow.

But what I see is a young man who graduated as valedictorian of his class, show no desire to carry on his education at this moment. I can sit back and understand why he does not want to dive into his education right away, so soon after the only father figure he has ever had passed away. I was taking university classes and put them on hold till January. I really need time to collect my thoughts and emotions and deal with my grief, so I understand his need to wait till January himself. What I don't understand is how he puts her family before his own. Just an example: He came to pick her brother up from school and didn't even think of taking his sister home too. Another time, I was out of town last week and asked him to take care of the kids while I was gone. He forgot about them and my eight year old had to go to two different houses to be cared for because he was not here for her when she got home and the door was locked. That very day he forgot to pick his other sister up from school. We are just feeling very neglected by him. I understand that we may never be top priority to him again, but right now we are not even anywhere in the top ten of his priorities.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
9/18/2005 2:18 am

sj365, I am very glad your daughter came to that conclusion on her own. I just hope he pulls his head together and realizes the mistakes he has made and the hurt he has caused us.

I have no problem letting him do his own thing. I have a problem when his sisters tell me how they feel he does not care about them anymore.

DustStormDiva


expatbrit49 62M

9/18/2005 5:09 am

They all grow up and do that, I know I did I took off on a siling yacht at 18 and didnt get home for another 4 years with only the odd phone call once or maybe twice. Now I realise that my parents were really upset but I think its a part of growing up.

Now life has caught up and I have almost no say in my sons life but while I dont like many of his decitions I wait and try to keep quiet and hope that in a few more years he will mature to again listen.

Thank You for Your Time and Attention


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
9/18/2005 10:11 am

expatbrit49, if it was just me, I could deal with it better, but my daughters, his sisters, are hurt by his choices. He needs to understand that it's not me that needs the time with him, but his sisters need him. I can deal with my own hurt, and I struggle to tell my daughters that time will heal all things. He and I started talking today, but had interruptions. I am hoping he will come around. Today was the first day since he left that I actually thought he was intuned with the way I feel. He only lives 10 minutes away and I see him often, but the time is not quality, and I want that back. If not for me, than my daughters.

DustStormDiva


rm_willie8one2 70M
573 posts
9/18/2005 8:30 pm

My older son did almost the same thing at 18. I talked to him about what could happen and that he did not need to father children at 18. He did not listen to me as what do I know and his girlfriend had a baby. They got married, in another year she had a second baby and in another 7 months they were getting a divorce. He now is paying child support for 2 kids and he remarried and now has 2 children from his new wife. Only good that happened he started to listen to “the old man” when to college and now is doing very well. My younger son saw what his brother did and for some unknown reason listened to me and finished his schooling and now is VP for the company he works for, the youngest they ever had. The bottom line is after while they find out that their parents may have known something after all, at least that’s what my sons tell me now.


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
9/19/2005 2:54 am

I am sure my son will come around, but it sure is tearing me up inside.

DustStormDiva


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