Emotions  

duststormdiva 51F
7253 posts
7/28/2005 1:03 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Emotions


My family and friends are concerned about me because I don't talk about the emotions I am going through right now. I bottle everything up inside and deal with it. I know when the time comes I'll crash. I look forward to my crashing, I do it about once every five years.

I express more of my feelings here in my blogs then I do anywhere. It's like a release and no one is watching me if I am crying. No one is wondering why I am not crying. It's just my feelings, what I feel deep inside. To some of you it may just be surface feelings, but to me sometimes they are feelings that come from deep inside. I may not express them fully, but I do express them.

I had second thoughts about posting my fathers death in my blogs but figured I needed a release somehow, because there are few, and very few who I can totally let my walls down around.

Hell, I can't even let my walls down around my mother, she is the worst when it comes to comforting words. She is so full of herself and selfish. I can't understand a parent who would want to profit off of her daughters grief.

I don't want her here. And I don't think I will hold my tongue again if she makes those comments anymore. On the other hand I want to share my life with her and I want to take care of her as she ages, but right now I just can't stand her. She has not been married to my father since 1975, how dare she try to get his fucking social security.

I am waiting for her to comment on the property they bought together, which she signed a quit claim deed over to my father on 30 years ago. I know she is itching to get her hands on the money from that property.

I don't want to have these negative feelings for my mother. The guy at the funeral home told me it is natural for me to express my anger to someone besides the deceased, and he feels I may be using my mother as my scape goat. I don't think I am. There are other extinuating circumstances that fuel this anger I have towards my mother.

I hurt so bad. I know he is better of and he is no longer suffocating from lack of air. He is with his family who has gone on before him, his mother, his father, my sister, my niece, and other relatives. Oh, but I miss him!

DustStormDiva



rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
7/28/2005 1:34 pm

Hrm, it sounds to me that your mad at your mom for good reason, not an anger transference thing. I hope for your sake that your dad had a will. It will make things a lot easier for you.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
7/28/2005 1:46 pm

Diva in time all things pass. Anger, worries, even hatred. As impossible as it may seem, as unlikely as you may think, the hurt will go away.

Just as children are born without an accompanying instruction manual, parents do not always behave as we wish them to behave. If you are upset with her, let yourself be upset with her behavior and not her the person. She is your mother, you have but one, and you have her right now. That will not hold true forever.

You have but 2 options Diva...accept her, the person, flaws and all and enjoy your remaining time together as best you can...or forever shut her out of your life. In the long run, one of those options is far more painful than the other.

You're a good person Diva, allow yourself to be human.

[blog talldarkavg1]


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
7/28/2005 1:51 pm

DaphneR all the legalities were taken care of about a month ago.

DustStormDiva


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
7/28/2005 2:19 pm

talldarkavg1 as always your words of wisdom are welcomed. I choose option one to accept her and all her flaws. My sister died ten years ago and I was upset with her and I never had the chance to talk things out with her. It was hard to deal with her death knowing that I was mad at her. Sometimes it takes someone to gently remind me of the important things. Thank you so very much for who you are talldarkavg1. You are most definitely an inspiration to me.

DustStormDiva


CaboWaboVHnut 56M
637 posts
7/28/2005 10:19 pm

That talldark1, methinks the average part of his handle is not true!!! He certainly has more wisdom and tact than most "average" people I know!!!! Besides, the dirty rat went and used his ESPN, or something,to steal my exact words and thoughts right out of my head!!! Aarrrrgh!!! Devious, evil little troll!!! Just kidding TDA1, please don't use the Vulcan mind meld on me!!!!! NO! NO! The pain!!! The agony!!!! O.K., I'll stop goofing around!!! He certainly put a lot of the same thoughts and truths down that I would have liked to!! He makes lots of sense!!! Ah, Dusty, what would blog land be without the 3 of us??? BORING!!! THAT'S WHAT!!!! Peace!!! Cabo!!!


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
7/29/2005 8:32 am

My pleasure.

[blog talldarkavg1]


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
7/29/2005 12:20 pm

Cabo, you are a damned nut!

DustStormDiva


CaboWaboVHnut 56M
637 posts
7/29/2005 2:44 pm

A damned nut am I? Well, we'll just see about that little lady!!!!!! I've heard of and eaten my share of a wide variety of nuts, but I don't recall ever seeing a damned nut!!!!! Is it of the coconut family? I know a guy who got hit on the head by a coconut. After that he was a dumb nut!!!! Need more input!!!!! Must go search web for nuts!!!!!! What can u expect? My handle is: CABOWABOVHNNNUUUTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Later, u talldustystormdarkavgdiva1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I misspell your handle? AAAHHHHHH, NUTS!!!!!!!!!


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
7/30/2005 2:59 am

Cabo, I am surprised you have not been taken away in a straight jacket!

DustStormDiva


CaboWaboVHnut 56M
637 posts
7/31/2005 9:39 pm

Dusty, r u there??? Whew!! I broke free!!! I have to tell u something quick!!! Not much time.....he may find me! Talldark1 is anything but average!!! He is actually...Him...the one...The Dark Overlord...YES!!! DARTH VADER!!! The Force!!! That's how he got into my head and stold all the things I was going to say!!!! It's true!!! I swear!!! You don't think I'd lie about that do youuuuccccckkkkkk, Gasp! Can't breathe!! He's...got...me!!! D u s t y!!! Help!!! Cabo!!!


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
8/1/2005 12:52 am

*Runs and jumps like the matrix and tackles him down to free cabo from his evil grasp.*

DustStormDiva


PillsburyCodeBoy 60M

8/1/2005 8:24 am

I haven't had a close relative die in a while, but when it happens, I handle it sort of like you do. Last week I wrote in my blog about my favorite aunt and how, seven years after her death, I still have a hard time coming to terms with her being gone. I invite you to read it.

I find blogging helps. People here have been very kind and understanding, in most respects more so than family members, who unfortunately tend to spout the kind of insensitive, unthinking remarks you mentioned the other day.

I'm the last one to know what to say in these situations, so I'll stop now. Just know that a lot of us understand.


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
8/1/2005 5:09 pm

Thanks PillsburyCodeBoy, I'll check out your blog.

DustStormDiva


__Huntress__ 55M/58F

8/2/2005 2:26 am

Those that pass live inside of you now ... it's not supposed to be easy to let go ... but time does heal!

Somehow in my forties my relationship with my mom became quite toxic. She had this way of creating storms wherever she went and sucking everything and everyone around her in ...

Finally, I sat down with her ... told her how much I loved her but explained to her that I would not get caught up in her "waves of destruction" anymore ... !

Duststorm ... find your parameters, your boundaries ... when she crosses them ... take a deep breath and step back ... leave the room if you can ... words only hold power when someone else is there to receive them !


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
8/2/2005 10:00 am

Huntress7878

Thanks for your advice. I will take it all into careful consideration; however, I do hold my tongue when she says things, because I could really hurt her (and I have) by biting back.

DustStormDiva


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