To Ray.  

doodoooccidental 42M
0 posts
3/30/2006 8:31 am

Last Read:
4/17/2006 8:16 pm

To Ray.

First of all, I want to say that I am very happy that you have a mother and father, still alive, who love you very much. It's great to have such a mother and father on two counts. 1) If you come upon hard times, for whatever reason, they will always be there to support you. You mentioned this already. 2) You have role models which you can aspire to be like. You look at your dad and you think to yourself, yeah, I would like to be like him when I reach his age, happy with my wife and kids...

But, Ray, families are not always so idealistic. I love my dad and mum very much too. My dad died when I was 17 years old. I guess for someone of my age, where a father is a huge role model, it would be devastating or, at least, damaging for a time. More so, I suppose if I had been even younger. To make matters worse, I was very shy, introspective, no friends to speak of, and with no energy or motivation to make any friends.

My father's death would have been even more devastating to my mother. He died in 1991. Ever siince, my mother has been clinging to me like a limpet, to the point where I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stretch out my own wings, and enjoy my own independence, and enjoy the challenge of living an independent life. She smothered me into her bosom. I reckon between 1991 and 1997, she gave me in the region of 20,000 pounds (30,000 euros). Since then, another 30,000 euros.. I suppose, I had the choice of taking the money and I did take the money..

In hindsight, I know now I had been making a mistake. I should have told my mother to keep the money but I wasn't strong willed enough to resist her. That is, until now.

I'll be 32 on April 22nd. I can't believe that the past 14 years have largely been a waste of my time. But, it's almost true!!! Hmm, I suppose, if I play my cards right now over the next few years (and I intend to do just that), if I live a full and happy life from now on, then, I will look back at the years 1991-2006 with amusement and recognise that there were benefits for me there to be had too. Like passing my driving test and getting my university degree.

But, right now, I am smarting. I can't believe I had been so stupid.

Since March 18th, I have decided to escape my mother's clutches. I have decided to declare my independence from my mother, so-to-speak... I've had enough. I've had enough of her sour put-downs, her disapproval, for example, of my sexually explicit blogs. No more. I initially told my mother I didn't want to talk to her until April 18th.

Then, a few days later, I bumped into my mother on the street in O'Connell Street. I guess I took pity on her. She looks a bit wretched and had a blood shot eye. I stopped to say hello. We talked. Again, she wanted to cling to me like a limpet. Oh, she has another daughter, who lives in Dublin too, and a son, who lives in Belfast (the second city of the island of Ireland).. Again, I had to wrest myself from her clutches.

I'm not saying my mother is a bad person. Far from it. I think she is a good person. But, the relationship between us damaging to me and to her. Our relationship prevents my mother completing her grieving process for her husband... Our relationship prevents me from living life to the full and rising to the creative challenges which life has to offer. This relationship has to stop. It has to be broken apart and reforged. I intend to do just that...

During our encounter on O'Connell Street, I made it clear to my mother, in no uncertain terms, that if she rang me again I would add an extra 5 days onto her freeze-out until April 18th for each attempted phone call. I told her that if she called me, I would hang up the phone. I have already done so twice. I generously told her I would waive and cancel the 5 times she called me before my encounter with her on O'Connell Street but after I rang her on March 18th to inform her of my decision not to contact her for a month...

But, my mother abused this generosity of mine. And since our encounter on O'Connell Street, she has attempted to phone me another 5 times.

Therefore, I have decided to reactivate the 5 phone attempts which I had generously waived. Adding on the 5 attempts she has made since to contact me (against my wishes), that makes 50 extra days on top of the April 18th deadline.

Therefore, I now do not wish to talk to my mother until June 8th. That is, provided she doesn't call me again.

It would appear my mother still hasn't got the message I delivered to her on March 18th. She still hasn't grasped just how serious I am. She still hasn't grasped that I mean business.

I think all adults are entitled to independence, Ray. I think most adults can strike out and achieve their independence as soon as they go to university at aged 18. This wasn't the case with me. But, I am determined not to make the same mistake twice. I must strike on my own now. Even though, I am nearly 32 years old now. I must do this. No more dependency on my mother's money. No more meekly accepting my mother's verbal humiliations. I've had enough.

I guess it is the same with any species of animal. A cub, before it becomes, a fully-blown adult, must learn to hunt on its own and find its own food without help from parents..

The comedy with my mother is now over. If my mother behaves herself, doesn't call me like I had instructed her too. Then, after June 8th, I will alllow myself one meeting with her (per month) and one phone call and that's it... I think that would be about normal for a mother-son relationship. My mother can keep her money and spend it on the things she wants to do in her retirement. I wish her the best of luck..

I still have a future ahead of me. I want to make the best of it.. I'm not prepared to tolerate any interference...

Hopefully, my mother will be reading this blog and she knows what I'm on about. If she is reading this blog, she will know that I don't want to talk to her until June 8th. If she isn't reading my blog (she has the means to because she has a personal computer), then, in all probability, she will phone me on April 18th, expecting us to get back in touch again. I will then tell her my decision for a further suspension... Good bye mother..

I would like to also add that I enjoy keeping my blogs. It's therapeutic to me. I believe in my blog. I believe blogs carry meaning. They are diaries which you can share with other people, oftentimes, people you don't even know. That's great. We all become public performers in a way. It's not an exaggeration to say that this blog is one of my best friends, if not my best friend.

This blog has helped me to overcome my fears. It has helped me to realize that to labour under fear, to expend energy on being afraidm, is pointless and a waste of energy and talent. I shouldn't be afraid of anything...

Another point: I'd rather starve than call my mother for food, or money for food. As I said before I must live up to the challenge of independence..

Paul Carr


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