|Blogs > doodoooccidental > My Tanked Up Thoughts|
I've gotten very lazy and I haven't been updating my blogs recently as much as I have been usually.
I've decided to put down my German language books for the time being and study Chinese full-time instead. I'm planning to go to China next year for a holiday to start with. Maybe sooner. I keep delaying things for a ridiculous amount of time. But, I reckon it would be good if I had a rudimentary grasp of the Chinese language at least (for the sake of survival and so on) before I go over. I've got to put these things in perspective. I'm not seeking to be fluent in Chinese, just get enough to get by.
But, I must say learning Chinese is fun.. It's much more challenging than learning German which is similar to English in many way and, therefore, holds out the prospect of my learning it perfectly. It turns out that that is an unattainable chalice too. Anyhow, I will return to the German at a later stage.
Anyway, enough of the prosaic and back to the interesting stuff, namely sex.
I was chatting with this gorgeous young woman the other day on yahoo. I say she's gorgeous because she sent me a photo of herself in a flimsy night gown showing her voluptuous figure underneath and her full breasts barely concealed. I typed to her that she was sexy. The thing was, when I opened the e-mail which contained her photo she sent me, a webpage opened for a website called www.blackcuties.com .
I went there. It occurred to me that, maybe, there were more photos of her on this database but I couldn't find hers anywhere. I saw photos of plenty of other gorgeous women though which got my pulse racing...
Anyway, the next day, she contacted me again via yahoo messengerto say hello. ? ". She didn't reply...
I waited about 30 minutes for a reply but none came. So, I did what I nearly always do in this situation, I removed her from my contacts list and endeavoured to remove any other traces of her on my computer. Why? Because I didn't want to be tempted to write to her again and again because I was afraid that I would harass her. I don't want that. So, I take this desperate measure.
In hindsight, I feel pained about it. I liked her. I meant no offence. I thought that she was on the blackcuties database because there was a direct link to www.blackcuties.com from her sexy nightdress photo... But, she didn't reply. And, I was hurt...
Hmm, I guess sex is about respect. You see, the previous day, I had already told her that I thought she was gorgeous and sexy after I had seen her sexy photo. But, it seems now that after I had asked this question, (complete with smiley at end of it), she thinks I am a false person and only want to use her for sex or use her as a sex object. Not at all!! This is how it seems to me at any rate.
Is it wrong to just ask her a question about something that was on my mind. I didn't mention the link to blackcuties during the previous days conversation...
In hindsight, yeah, I could have disposed of myself better. For example, I could have said something like this instead:
"Oh, your photo had a link to the www.blackcuties.com website.. I went browsing there because I wanted to find more sexy photos of you but I couldn't find any. . I found plenty of other sexy ladies though. LOL."
I could have added:
"I mean this as a compliment"...
Instead, in reality, I wrote the underwhelming and, only to me "witty" question; "Do you have any more photos on the www.blackcuties.com website? ". What a fuck up!! J***s!! I'm shaking my head.
And, then 30 minutes later, hurt that she didn't reply, I removed all evidence of her from my computer. Actually, now, I am trying to find her name again but I can't find it anyway.. So, it looks like I can't get in touch with her again.
I'm wondering if she is thinking that I am a kind of prude who doesn't approve of women exhibiting themselves as semi-naked models. Nonsense!!! I approve!!.. Damn!!. [shakes head]..
I fucked up....
And, once again, I am hurt.
But, returning to what I said before; "sex is respect". If I had been honest with her, about what I had done, (visiting the www.blackcuties.com website) about my desires (looking for more photos of this gorgeous woman), about my disappointment (not finding any) and my consolation (finding other gorgeous semi-naked women there), then, maybe, just, maybe, she would have laughed it off and we would still be chatting.
As I say, the reason I didn't, was because I had already told her the prevoius day that she was sexy (after she had sent on her delicious sexy photo to me)... I'm hurt. I'm pained right now.
And, no sex. None. Months are going by and no sex.. I'm I even trying? I don't think so... I haven't signed up even for www.blackcuties.com yet. I resolved to have sex 2 months ago and since then? Nothing!!!
I need to get off my backside.. Get some sex and get a job too.