Maybe I'm Just Too Selfish  

docdirk 47M
5418 posts
1/10/2006 5:31 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Maybe I'm Just Too Selfish

After many years of cohabitating with various roommates of various moral fiber, I finally moved into my own place in 1997. My place. Just me. No one else. No; “this is my room, that’s where X sleeps.” Just me.

The one thing that I’ve learned in my eight-plus years of living alone… is that I like it. I honestly do. Perhaps too much.

If I desire to watch something on TV ‒ I do. Whatever I want. It could be sports from noon-to-midnight. No one objects. Ever. I can listen to whichever CD I want, at the spur of the moment, as loud as I’d like. No one tells me to turn it down or off. If I want to shut it all off and read for an hour, no one disturbs me. If I want to inexplicably break out in song and Axl Rose dance ‒ I can, and often do. I can screw around with the half dozen notes of the half dozen songs I actually know on my guitar any time I’d like. I can even watch any selection from my well-stocked porn collection without feeling guilty. (Which I also do often.) I can walk around naked from the ankles up day or night - in any state of arousal ‒ without being told to “holster that thing.”

The point is, after being like this for so long, I don’t know if I could ever change. I rarely answer my phone, even if it’s family. I let them leave a message and then call them back when I want. I don’t bother to initiate contact with my married buddies anymore. I wait for them to call me, (if I answer) which is rare because they typically aren’t allowed to go out on Saturday night, get drunk, and fail miserably at picking up babes in bars anymore.

My life is very quiet. Very. But the odd part is; I don’t mind. Most of my friends have such sad looks on their faces when they learn that I’m still not married, engaged, or at least getting laid regularly. They think that my “solitude” must be killing me. All of my reassurances are pitied. They don't get it. I wouldn't trade my circumstances for any of theirs. I'm glad (or hope) they are happy. But I wish they'd believe me. Perhaps they're afraid of being alone. I'd tell them there is a difference between "alone" and "loneliness," but they'd never buy it.

I do, however, long to linger in the arms of another. To feel the beating of her heart, the warmth of her skin, the taste of her lips. But I don’t know if I could ever make it last. Or want to.

Maybe I’m just too selfish.

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...

mangomamiCT 42F

1/10/2006 8:19 pm

I think sometimes I am too selfish also . There is no big heartbreak story in my past , no drama to make me this way . I am just an opionated woman who likes what she likes . Maybe doc we will meet someone someday who makes us want to change , but I am cynical .

duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
1/11/2006 12:31 am

It will be another 9 years, at least before I have that privilege.


SexyRycheBabe 45F
820 posts
1/11/2006 7:43 am

You're right, there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. I get that, too. I have friends who are coupled that think I should be as well. I don't mind being solitary. Well, as solitary as one can be when you have a little one running around. I long for a special someone but don't think its a prerequisite for living a happy and full life.

I just want to tell you this.... other than always wanting to put my arms around you and hold you after everything you write, if I was your roommate you could walk around naked in whatever state of arousal you wanted and I would be more than happy to help you "holster" it.

SilkenKiera 38F  

1/11/2006 9:45 am

Very insightful J.J. I do know exactly what you mean. I lived alone for one year before getting married, and for me that was just enough. I knew when I was "ready" to share a house when the time came. You'll know it.


docdirk 47M

1/11/2006 8:56 pm

Thanks all. Seems that we all have our own paths to follow. Trying squeeze into a "one-size-fits-all" mold just isn't the way to go.

Mango - Like you, I too am cynical. But hey, never hurts to hope.

Duststorm - In 9 years, you'll be like, 30, right?

SRB - If you were around, there would only be one state of arousal!

Kiera - From all I read, you seem to have such a wonderfully caring marriage. Congrats to you and your very lucky marine!

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...

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