Don't Read This  

docdirk 47M
5418 posts
8/1/2006 5:22 pm

Last Read:
8/11/2006 9:49 pm

Don't Read This

For me, this is going to be lengthy, tedious and not-very entertaining. If I saw this post, I’d leave without reading or commenting. I understand if you do.

I have a friend who, for purposes here, I’ll call “Dude.” Well, at least I think he’s still my friend.

I’ve known Dude since high school. Back then, we were practically inseparable. If I were going to a concert, chances are, it was with Dude or a group including him. If I were shooting hoops behind the firehouse or after hours in the school’s gym, it was with dude. If I were trashing any number of local golf courses and leaving huge divots; it was with Dude. And, if I was wrapping a golf cart around a large oak tree ‒ it was because of Dude. That’s my story anyway.

Shortly after HS, we lost touch. He joined the army and was stationed for a while in Germany. Everyone I know ended up in Germany. I stayed home, did the college/work thing and generally meandered through my meaningless existence.

Sometime in the mid 90’s, Dude and I ran into each other quite by accident at a bar checking out a local band. From there, we stayed in touch via frequent phone calls and a few get-togethers. A couple of years later, he and I ended up co-hosting the sports talk radio show of which I’ve often spoken. During that time, we got to be close again. We’d talk nearly every day - often more than once - mostly about the show, which we took very seriously. But always in the name of fun. We were up on our sports for sure, but we entertained as well, grasping for the non-sports fan to stay tuned. And I have to say ‒ we were pretty good at it. And we were able to attend countless games and functions due to our status, all for free, all with MEDIA tags hanging from our necks like medals of honor.

Dude is a classic “A” personality. Always moving, always planning, always saying exactly what he thinks. If you didn’t know him, he could easily come off as obnoxious and arrogant. Yet, at the same time, he’s the type of guy that, no matter where you go, seems to know everyone in the room.

A few years ago, I joined a fantasy football league with Dude. The kind of league where everyone gathers in a room over a few beers and actually holds a draft for a few hours. This league included Dude, myself, and eight of Dude’s friends from childhood from his hometown. They were always good to hang with, and fun, but I’ve always been a bit of the outsider. None of the other eight are people I’d see any other time of the year.

This fantasy league has a tradition of, once per season, getting together to play a game of touch football and then going to a bar to watch the games and drink/eat all day. The game takes place Sunday morning ‒ the only morning I get a chance to sleep in. And to me, sleeping in is noon or later. And I LOVE to sleep in.

One year, I missed the game, but made it to the bar for the festivities. All was good. The next year, I actually dragged my ass out of bed and played, in the frozen mud, just to “fit in.” All the while, I wished to God I was home in bed. Last year, I didn’t attend either the game or the drinking. Instead, I choose to hang out with an equally-old friend, who I had not seen in a long time. This other friend was a new father, new homeowner and never got the chance to just relax at that time. Plus, it was Dolphin/Partiot weeknd, and he and I are bitter enemies on that front, so it was bound to be interesting.

After not showing for the fantasy league events (which I had told Dude I would be missing) I logged onto our league website. A couple of the other guys ripped me. One in particular. Guys often chastise each other as wussies or worse in a kidding manner. Other times they do it and mean it. This was the latter. I was being called a pussy for not attending a flag football game. I fired back on the site and basically told the guy in question to fuck off and check reality just a tad. Fantasy is just that, and flags aren’t football.

A funny thing happened after that: Dude stopped calling. I’ll admit; most of the phone calls between us were initiated by him. Whenever I tried to call him, mister “A” personality was out of the house on one of his million projects, or needed to spend “time with the wife.” So I typically let him call me, as I mostly have nothing going on all the time.

But he didn’t. At first, it was a call or two a week, then a month, now none. We e-mail every now and then, very cordially. But we haven’t spoken in months.

I should mention that members of this football league had promised me up and down last year that I would be considered for tickets to UConn football games and various concerts for which they had connections. I was assured at least two UConn games. But, somehow, I never got the invites. Something always came up. Tickets were unavailable. Yet, without fail, I’d get a call from someone’s cell while they were at the game that supposedly there were no tickets for. But I never said a word. At least a half a dozen times I got blown off and held my tongue. I do it once, I get ripped.

What bothers me is that, in his own silent way, Dude seems to have taken their side. That something this trivial supercedes 20+ years of friendship. That I am expected to be ignored continuously, yet remain on alert at all times….

Well, what actually bothers me ‒ and this is the point of this entire tome ‒ is how little I care. How I can dismiss a guy who may be my best friend ever without hesitation. How easily I seem to be able to cut people out of my life without a second thought. How comfortable I feel in my silent, empty, nearly uninhabited home. How good solitude seems to fit on me. Or, what worries me, is how all of this doesn’t worry me.

Why are you still here?

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...

rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
8/1/2006 6:26 pm

Sometimes we outgrow friends without realizing it. Laid-back and Type A don't normally get along for such a long time, yet they work wel together. Maybe by expressing yourself or making your own decision, not following the herd, you inadvertently stepped on Type A's toes. A lot of times they don't expect their underlings to have an opinion or a choice of what to do or how to live their lives.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

docdirk replies on 8/2/2006 6:28 pm:
That is a very interesting take, Daphne, and one I hadn't contemplated before. While Dude and I share similar tastes and interests, our personalities are quite opposite. Perhaps this is why we clicked so well while we had our radio gig, but often go long stretches without actually meeting up and doing things together.

Today I e-mailed him, telling him I would not be participating in the league if I am expected to join in and pay for the game and drinking day. If his toes weren't tred upon before, they sure will be now. Just waiting to see....

MWWwantmore 51F

8/1/2006 6:37 pm

Cause you are a "go with the flow" kind of person. What happens......happens and you go on! Nothing wrong with that!

I'll have a cafe, mocha, vodka, valium latte to go please!

Good girls go to heaven.....bad girls go down!!

docdirk replies on 8/2/2006 6:28 pm:
While this is the answer I'd like to believe, I often wonder...

absolutelynormal 56F
6563 posts
8/1/2006 6:52 pm

Why are you still here?

Cause I care. Sounds to me like you've just outgrown that kinda shit JJ, plus you're a little pissed off and rightfully so.

You keep yourself isolated to no one can hurt you, and I think this does bother you, otherwise you wouldn't have blogged about it.

docdirk replies on 8/2/2006 6:30 pm:
You keep yourself isolated so no one can hurt you

Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but I think you're on to something there...

Kaliedascope61 41M
4084 posts
8/1/2006 7:27 pm

that exact same thing happened to me!

docdirk replies on 8/2/2006 6:31 pm:
I often wondered whose spot I took in tha t fantasy league...

rm_agathon12 46M
1311 posts
8/1/2006 7:52 pm

Doc, don't sweat it. This person isn't craven; just self absorbed at the moment. You're not craven for realizing that you'll end up investing more than you'll get back right now. People fall in and out of our lives all of the time. This may be one of those friendships. If Dude is worth it, he'll make the effort. If not, then you learn something valuable.

docdirk replies on 8/2/2006 6:33 pm:
There's a lot of truth in what you've said. Dude can be VERY self-absorbed. Yet, like most people who suffer from thay trait, he is completely unaware of the fact. Too bad that they can't recognize what they risk.


kyplowboy22 61M

8/2/2006 5:17 am

I kinda think this happens to everyone in one way or another, Doc. People move on to other things, make new friends and drift away to those around them at the moment. I never did worry about it too much. It's kinda like your taste in foods, they say it changes every 7 years or so, guess it's the same with a lot of people you know. Daphe is right. People just often outgrow one another for what ever reasons.


docdirk replies on 8/2/2006 6:36 pm:
As always, you spout many truths, kpb. Revolving doors continue to spin, taking even those closest to you I suppose. Thanks for reading and spouting!

mycin62 54F

8/2/2006 6:31 am

Why am I still here?

Cause you're funny, and I like you

And, you're still not getting out of planning the next M & G!!

docdirk replies on 8/2/2006 6:37 pm:
Damn... even being serious doesn't get me out of it??? I've officially got no tricks left!!

pragmaticCTcpl 61M/50F

8/2/2006 7:21 am

Doc ~ In the past we have discussed the fact that we both have "cut" certain people out of our lives. Whether it has been family or friends. This method keeps those kind of people from the opportunity of shitting on us a second time. We make the point that "I don't need you." This also demonstrates our inner strength. "No time for losers." You obviously have been hurt by the treatment that you have received. Only you can answer these questions...Do I still want this friendship...Is it really worth it?

I'm sad and upset for you. It sounds like this "friend" of yours has treated you like a second class citizen and hasn't taken your feelings into consideration. You deserve better.

As for your solitude...I believe in quality vs. quantity. I'd rather have one really super close good friend than a ton of semi-close acquaintances. As long as you are really happy and have what you want...then no worries. If your kidding yourself...then you have a problem. A problem that only you can fix. Hope you work it all out. *BIG HUGS*
For what it is worth...these words of wisdom came at no charge.

docdirk replies on 8/2/2006 6:40 pm:
In truth, Dude has always been a 50/50 person. By that I mean that roughly 50% of the time he makes plans to do something with you will he actually come through. But it never was malicious. In fact, it became a source of humor... to the rest of us. He never understood. As Agathon so perfectly characterized him - "self absorbed." Dude and I share deep loves for sports and music, are both capable of making complete asses of ourselves and enjoying it, and laugh life off as often as possible. Perhaps this was never really enough. Oh well, I still have my remote control!!

NSAAddict 42F

8/2/2006 11:31 am

Because we care, even if you don't I have one person with whom I went through something very similar. We got into a spat over something trivial, I stood up for myself and she split. I can honestly say, it was a relief and while I felt guilty for not caring that she was out of my life, I don't miss her and that says something to me about our "friendship". So don't worry that you don't care, things happen. If you're not affected by it, then more power to you.

docdirk replies on 8/2/2006 6:45 pm:
It's funny and sad at the same time how so many years of sharing can be trashed to quickly and completely. And yet, as you said, if the relationship is so one-way, or if we cease to get anything from it, why continue to try?

BTW, are you sure you didn't just lock your "friend" in the dungeon, only to forget about her????

MoutnainGirl 37F

8/2/2006 6:26 pm

Umm... if you didn't care, then how come you bothered to write about it? I think you care and who really wouldn't. It sucks when things like that happen. As for still being here.. its because you are interesting and I am curious as to what you have to say!

Moutnain Girl

Visit my blog: MoutnainGirl

docdirk replies on 8/2/2006 8:17 pm:
Thanks, MountainGirl!!

Although I'm really not that interesting!

The reason this is on my mind as of late is because draft day for the fantasy football league is in two weeks, and apparently my presence is still expected as if nothing has happened. I've recently been made aware of this and was a little surprised.


8/2/2006 6:27 pm

I'm here cause I want to be and figure that's why you are too. Sometimes it is hard to get too attched when you expect betrayal or desertion at any given point. I use to always feel like that. Expect the worse and ya never get hurt but then ya don't fight for anything worth having either. Yep that WAS me. Hope it isn't you and if it is...maybe ya just haven't ran into anything worth keeping. {=} and many hugs!

just a squirrel trying to get a nut

docdirk replies on 8/2/2006 8:19 pm:
Unfortunately, I am very much what you describe. I'm happy to see you have managed to overcome and find a better way. I'm often convinced that I'm not nearly that strong.

Your kindness is matched only by your beauty, MO. Thank you!

digdug41 49M

8/2/2006 9:16 pm

weout grow people sometimes and it just feels weird but its like that train and the station analogy people come in and people go out of our lives whattya gonna do nothing lasts forever just enjoy it while it lasts and when it runs its course you know it

roaming the cyber streets of blogland

docdirk replies on 8/4/2006 7:57 pm:
Sadly, this seems to be exactly what is happening to me, Dig. I guess you're right, I need to learn to appreciate what I currenly have as opposed to what I once had.

Hope things have cooled off for ya!

SexyRycheBabe 44F
820 posts
8/2/2006 10:12 pm

You realize, don't you, when you tell someone not to do something that they will, in fact, do just that!! Yes, I know you know this. So, here's the thing, I'm not going to say what a bunch of other people have said about friendships and outgrowing them. What I am going to say is this:

I don't think that you're nearly as unbothered by the fact that you're alone as you think you are. If, in fact, you truly don't mind being solitary in your nearly uninhabited home, it would never cross your mind to be (or not to be) bothered by it. Does that make any sense?

And... as far as Dude. Well, he sounds like a DUD!!!

BTW, are the other fantasy-footballers married like Dud? There's a whole different set of rules for circles of married people than there are for single people.

docdirk replies on 8/4/2006 8:00 pm:
I believe that most, if not all of the others in the league are indeed married. I typically make it a point not to waste my time calling my married friends. Their lives change so much that I'm left feeling like an intrusion. So I've waited him out, and he's not bothered to find time in that married life for our friendship.

Oh well, I still have all of this!!

Become a member to create a blog