Would you say something??  

demonicsexkitten 41F
7230 posts
7/19/2006 1:03 pm

Last Read:
7/24/2006 4:07 pm

Would you say something??


I'm hurting right now. For my "daughter". And concerned about her dad (my ex b/f). I don't talk to him often anymore, we're not "friend" friends, but we parted on friendly terms.

A few years back he started seeing this woman... I don't remember if that was before or after his mom died? I *DO* remember that his sister and mom both kept saying he should come back to me (they loved me). anyhow... his entire family lived in the same house. So his daughter was used to being surrounded by grandparents, dad, aunt, uncle, cousins. and constant visitors, other grandparents, friends, other family her entire life. Then the grandma died and the fiance took over. Decided she wanted everybody out... I heard all about it at the time. Everybody was upset. My ex would'nt say a word one way or another... just stood back and let her do as she would.

So fast forward... my "daughter" (15 yrs old) is home alone most of the time. Her dad works. His fiance is out of town weeks on end for her work. No cousins, grandparents, anybody around. And they live in a huge house in practically the middle of nowhere. She told me today she never smiles anymore. Her dad is miserable but can't see it. Maybe wishful thinking on her part? but I know he HAS turned his back on all the things he used to love in life, all his hobbies and past-times. I've heard some of his former friends and fellow "hobbiests" complain about it recently too. My "daughter" just got back from the other side of USA, where she'd gone to meet her internet b/f. She stayed with his family, and was happy the entire time. Surrounded by family, and more family and friends stopping in to visit all the time. Now she's back home and can't stop crying.

Thankfully her aunt is in town, and is picking her up to go talk and hang out all weekend. I'm going to try meeting up with them this weekend too.

Although I love her as a daughter, and she loves me as a mom... we're not related. I don't know if I should talk to her dad or not. Nor do I know how to even begin to bring the subject up if I did. More difficult in that I've not talked to him in over a year; it's not like we're bosom buddies or anything. Perhaps her aunt will talk to him, but then again he let his fiance kick her out of the house. Maybe there's too much ill-will now?? Should I jump in? Keep my nose out of it?? Should I mention concern for HIS well-being, or stick to hers??

Hopefully everything will be OK. I just hurt so much for her right now and have no idea what to do, other than be here for her online, and meet up with her this weekend and hug her.

sugarlooking2 47F

7/19/2006 1:49 pm

That is a tough situation. I would call him just to see how he is doing now, and shoot the breeze. Don't ask or judge in the first phone call, if he talks about it, have a good ear. He will appreciate that. He may feel that he is stuck there, and frankly he isn't. He just doesn't know there are others out there willing to help. As for your "step" daughter, all you can do is listen and be there when she needs you. He is her farther, and his well being will affect her in every way possible. If he is down and not happy, she won't be either, especially if their living arrangements has changed. It is hard to go from all family to none. If that is what she wants and he needs, then they need to come to a common ground to have family around all the time. If is current partner is away traveling for work, then they have the time to bring family in for gatherings or just a movie..that would be my suggestion, it will be his family that will help them change their situation and help them see the difference of how they once were and how they are now.


keithcancook 60M
17822 posts
7/19/2006 1:51 pm

Most likely your "daughter's" new mom will resent you to the fullest possible extent as soon as she catches wind of any meddling. This must be done from within the family.

Your daughter's fraternal family is the best option. They like you. If you feel you must do something, give them your best advice. Then step back and stay out of it while events develop.

On the other hand, we have already seen the power this new woman wields in her household. Once the meddling begins it may go ill for the girl. The new woman may resent her too. This could stir up a world of trouble in that home.

Therefore, it is very important to remember that ancient bloggers adage...

Go not to the bloggers for advice. For they will say both yes and no.


I should also add that we are dealing with a teenager here. With teenage issues. Perhaps it is best to let the new woman run her house as she will. Isn't that what most woman in her situation would prefer?


PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
7/19/2006 1:53 pm

I suggest you stick to hers, at least at first. I wish I could be of more help...

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma


psball6969 45M
12 posts
7/19/2006 1:54 pm

Well as a guy i wouldn't be happy that an x-girlfriend was sticking her nose in my life but if it is the best thing for his daughter then you might want to have her talk with him with you there to support her that's the only thing that should keep the piece between all involved i do know that if she don't make thing's a little better in her home that she might find other thing's that will not be that good for her but all in all i do hope thing's work out for her.


vulcan0000 46M
85 posts
7/19/2006 3:37 pm

Sorry for the both of you. Never fun to see someone hurting and know that there isn't much you can do about it. As for the Ex I say follow your instincts. You know deep down whether he will step up to the plate for his daughter and her needs versus the fiance. As far as his well being it seams he has decided whats best for him by letting his fiance dictate the way the household is going to be run so I wouldn't bother trying to change his mind on that front. Other than that all you can do is show your love and support for your daughter. Even though you are not related biologically it sounds like there is a strong bond between you and hopefully she will listen to any advice you give her. Good luck to the both of you.


ProtonicMan 48M

7/19/2006 4:49 pm

I don't know what to tell you, my friend. It's hard when someone you care about is hurting, isn't it? It can make one consider doing things that one would never do otherwise.

I think you are doing the best you can do. Listen to your feelings, your heart will guide you truly. Be there for her however you can. If it feels right to you to talk to her dad, do it.

But don't make the same mistake I made with a friend recently. Those are their lives, not yours. If they ask you for help, by all means give it. But don't try to push it on them, because it will not work.

Extra hugs for you today. Pass them along to the girl when you see her.

((( ((( (((DSK))) ))) )))

TJ


demonicsexkitten 41F
10671 posts
7/19/2006 10:12 pm

thanks for all the advice. honestly... when his family came to me and told me that his fiance was kicking them all out, i was shocked. i knew the woman, and of all his g/f's after me... she was the only one i liked. (mostly i was jealous of the rest. but also i'd known her BEFORE he and i broke up).

before i do anything, i'm going to see and talk with her and her aunt. i'll decide what to do, if anything, after that.


shadowshiver 49M

7/20/2006 1:43 am

hmm I would talk to her and let her know that you are there for her, so that they she has a place to turn if things go worse at home
i would have her try to talk too dad with the aunt there to help give her support and explain things if necessary to dad
do not get directly involved yet yourself save that in reserve, if you do become directly involved him my try to remove any contact between you and your daughter, the fiance will definitely react negatively too anything you try
I would also try the idea sugarlooking2 suggested call him ask how he is doing, do not broach the subject at this time, unless he brings it up of course
go from there and feel your way with caution

If you want me just whistle....
you do know how to whistle don't you?


demonicsexkitten 41F
10671 posts
7/20/2006 8:23 am

shadowshiver: thanks that is pretty much what i figured i'd do anyways. plus, unless he brings up the issue first, i'd really have no idea how to even start such a conversation.


florallei 99F

7/20/2006 1:40 pm

Hey Hun,

This is very sticky...firstly that you really don't communicate with your ex any longer. I remember when my daughter told me my ex had mistreated her badly and her poor heart was aching. I went to talk to him about how she was feeling and when she found out she nearly stopped talking to me and how I should just butt out.
I was so shocked that my own baby would speak in this manner to me after all I had her best interest at heart.
The lesson I learned from this is (she was about 16 yrs. then) she just wanted to share how badly she was feeling and not solve things for her. Point taken and I apologized to her and that in the future I will ask her if she wants me to do something or just want me as a sounding board. Am I making any sense?
Teenagers are funny critters full of hormones raging throughout their bodies. She wanted me as a friend and not a mom at that moment. I realized then that my parenting style had to adapt to the teenagers mentality and emotional growth.
I had always tried to protect them when they were younger and she felt it an insult that I would still solve things for her. It was a lesson that I really needed.
So ask this young lady if she wants you to step in or not...the answer will be in her response.

Hugs to you,
flo


rm_AnOddGirl 57F
3469 posts
7/22/2006 8:59 am

Since she is your 'daughter' and you care about her, yes by all means get involved and talk to her. Change is hard, dealing with change as a teen is harder. Hell, being a teenager just sucks from what I remember.



Odds


Drofpussology4u 59M  
4843 posts
7/24/2006 2:53 pm

Lovely, I recommend you talk to your daughter. I have found that difficult situations require stating the facts and then stating how one "feels" as a result. The "feel" part must be in emotional, not intellectual terms ie. frustrated, lonely, disappointed, sad, scared.

She should be able to communicate with her father and say, "When our family moved out and we stopped having visitors, it made me sad" or the like, then have her state what she wants: "I want to have family and friends around. It is lonely when you are gone and .....is off working".

She should continue to state her feelings. This will help her whether or not he changes.

A more direct approach may be warranted if the change does not happen and your daughter continues to be hurt.

This appears to be an opportunity to show her how to be assetive (not aggressive) and how to manage a tough situation with respect for authority while getting her point across.


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