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When all else fails (challenge dasher #1)
When all else fails (challenge dasher #1)
So here we go then, the first one given in my "Challenge Dasher" little contest bloggy thingy lol.
Blog: pet_humility (Just your little Girl)
"Tell me Mr. Dasher what you would do with
a Hot Dog, a Pencil and string if you had a chick (preferable me, but)
alone in a room..LOL"
Oh boy, well here we go then..*cracking my knucles, delving deeep into my strange mind. Ah! There we go, lets begin shall we:
"When all else fails"
After a long and horrible night of drinking, the dude leaves the ER. With my body and ego abused I climb into my shitty ratty car and make the slow and long journey home. The previous night, I came home, stripped off my clothes down to my jeans, and rolled into the bathroom to relieve an entire night of drinking (not once "breaking the seal" ). As I stood, leaning against the wall and my "yoohoo" poking through the zipper in my jeans, I began what is now known as the world record for longest urination to the known world!!!
After 6-7 minutes of this non-stop stream I began to get light headed, not helping from an already VERY buzzed body and mind from the booze! FIANLLY finishing, I go to zip and forget to pull my "little buddy" back in. ZZZRRRRRRTTTCCCCHHHHH!!!! Yep, I just zipped myself! So dancing about in horrendous pain, I turn suddenly and try to run through the closed bathroom door TTTHHHHUUMPPP! Smacking my face off of the door I bite my tongue.
So many many hourse later, I am driving home with 4 stitches in my tongue and 12 on my good friend the little dude. The doctors words still vibrating in my aching head,
"Remember Mr. Dude, no sex or anything that will arouse you for at least 3 weeks until the stitches come out."
Great! Im a man for shits sake! Just about everything woman or sex related excites me! That thing has a mind of his own too!! Skulking down the long hallway to my apartment I notice to my shock that my door is ajar. I step to the side and push it cautiously open. Moving about in a few rooms I notice that nothing is missing (not like there's anything worth taking! lol ).
Getting to the bedroom I push the door open, it swings wide and the site on my bed makes my throat gulp. A seductive beauty sitting on my bed with a very fun, interesting, and sexy looking outfit on. She smiles lavishly, licking her full red lips,
"Why hello there Mr. Dasher, pardon my intrusion. I was told you were quite the boy toy and thought....."
She begins drawling circles with her finger on her thigh, leg, and then the bed cover,
".........Id pay you a visit. My name is P, for pleasure of course."
She smiles again, and again licks her red lips. Immediately my temperature rises out of control, swet beads down my forehead and chest. And the blood begins to rush to my poor ol wounded little buddy. As he begins to rise, searing pain shoots through me! I hold my composure, I must!!! *pling!* I pop a stitch, oh good lawd!
"Thell thaght thill be a thobthem." (translation: "Well, that will be a problem." hence the stitches in the tongue lol )
Some how she seems to be fluent in jibberish and understands me, with her head cocked sideways now, she shifts her heavenly body a bit. *pling!* I pop another stitch. Oh my dear lawd almighty!!!!
"And what is the problem dear? Something wrong with your tongue?"
I stick it out and show her the stitches, she cringes a bit and then smiles deeply,
"Well dear Mr. Dasher, thats disappointing but you still have er, other equipment that can bring me joy." *pling* yep, there goes another one, my mind wandered on that. Mental images suck!
"Thit!" ("Shit!" )
She looks at me again, pulling down my jeans I show her the other set of stitches, once again she cringes and does not smile this time.
"Well now, that is a problem. *sigh* and I came all this way."
She begins to cover herself back up, when my mind snaps into place. Im a stubborn little guy haha.
"Thold onth! THy mayth be athle to tholth the throplem. Thy amth thery theatith tha tha." ("Hold on I may be able to solve the problem. I am very creative haha." )
She smirks and rasies an eyebrowl, and slips off a bit more to see. *pling! pling!* Oh this is unbarable! But I am a man. Im slow, Im stupid, and will put myself through tourcher for a woman lol.
"Well you do what you have to do then," she says with a wink.
I shut the door and panic begins! Im full of shit! Im not creative!!! WTF am I going to do???? I look through countless drawers and spaces and only come up with a fresh #2 pencil and a piece of string. Then it hits me, food! Ice! Those are fun things. Practically vaulting myself at the fridge I open the freezer with joyful glee. No cold air comes out to meet my very hot and flustered face, its broken. All of the ice cube trays now hold puddles of water.
"Thell Thaint thaught thum thit!" ("Well aint that some shit!" )
Flinging open the door I look inside, and to my disappointment this is what I see,
Empty shelves, forgot to run to the store the other day. Theres a container of Grape kool-aid, a half eaten stick of butter, some salt ("Thut the thell this thaut thoing inth there!" ), and one hotdog out of a pack of six left. I pull out the hotdog and hold it up straight, it flops limp to the side.
(*pling!* Oh for shits sake! How is that a turn on you little bastard??!!! )
Then the little light bulb appears above my head. Remembering a very strange episode of MacGuiver, I take the fresh #2 pencil, the string, and the limp hotdog and go to work. When I am done, I hold in my hands the ultimate pleasure tool! It will send one throught the roof in exotic erotic and pleasurable bliss!
Removing the rest of my clothes at warp speed, almost thwacking my head pulling the jeans off and falling to the floor, I slide open the door and enter the room. The delicious vixen outstrected on the bed gives me an "Oh my!" look at the newly constructed item in my hand. Shutting the door behind me the ultimate pleasure tool goes to work!
We yell,*pling!* we scream, *pling!* we tear the f-ing walls down around us. The hotdog pleasure machine MacGuiver style dishing out everything that two lustfilled minds can conjure. It swings from the ceiling, it vibrates, it gyrates, it spins, it swirls, it comes to life in my hand!!!
Saited, swetting, and fully erotically exercised, hours and hours later the pleasure ends. She gets dressed and slides seductively out of bed slowly getting dressed.
"Well, Mr. Dasher I must say that was....interesting. Next time, make sure you buy a whole pack of hotdogs, many many fresh #2 pencils, and an entire spool of string. Cause we are taking this into the next century!"
And with a blown kiss, she was gone. Swinging her sutlry hips from side to side slowly closing the door behind her. *pling!*
"Thanthk thuuu."("Thank you" ) I muffle out. Holding now a broken hotdog, pencil worn down to the erasor, and split piece of string. Painfully too as I managed to burst just about every one of my stitches from getting VERy excited during this long ,yet I must admit strangely exciting, erotic romp !!!
Back to the doctors.....as soon as soon as the pain in my midsection ceases. Oh, and as soon as I figure out how to untie myself from the bed also. She twisted me into a pretzel!
"Thumbothy thelp thee? Thany thudy? Tho theeze! Thipths thuths..... Thammith. Thifth thy than thust....tholthosth thot..." ("Somebody help? Any body? Oh geeze! This sucks....Dammit. If I can just...almost got...." )
1/30/2006 8:19 pm
You are SUCH a goofball...|
Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]
1/30/2006 8:42 pm
lol only you LOL|
i lost my virginity years ago.....
but i still have the box.....
1/30/2006 10:00 pm
I will never look at hot dogs the same....|
Very creative, dasher...very creative indeed.
1/31/2006 12:12 am
Dasher, "yoohoo" thats what I call my pussy...lol!!! I almost died when I read that you referred to little dude as your yoohoo.. LMAO! |
This was quite an interesting story sweetie! I can't wait to see what you do in the elevator.
1/31/2006 1:02 am
You warned me that it was funny.|
I should have listened. But no...I just had to be drinking Coke while I read it.
Choking on soda while laughing hysterically is rather painful.
Was curious how you had been planning on handling this one, knew that creative, goofy mind of yours would come up with something, but...damn. Awesome story, babe.
1/31/2006 5:23 am
OMG,,that was great dasher, high fives you.|
But could you draw a picture of that pencil gadgit so
we can market it..lol
Thanks for the read sweet thing, made my day!
I will never look at a hotdog, string and a pencil the same~
1/31/2006 7:25 am
lmao good one dude|
1/31/2006 6:07 pm
'Thumbody Help!' Dude, way to get your sticks out of the water... Way to run with it, it's all about having a freakin' good time with it... I say roadtrip to Blitzburgh|
2/1/2006 8:53 am
LMFAO...that has got to be the funniest thing i've read in a long time! u are a friggen riot!! loved it!! |
2/2/2006 5:45 am
I try hahahaha, and I scare myself sometimes lol.
well LOL to you as well hahaha.
yeah me either, and that sucks cause i love me some hotdogs!
thank you thank you, doing my courtsie now haha.
2/2/2006 5:49 am
you know, when i typed that in and re-read it I thought I had heard that as a womans nickname but couldnt remember if i was just crazy or not. I mean come on, read what I write! Im out of my mind!
I take no responsability for that then, you were warned muahahahaaha the dude strikes again!
Well thanks to you for one of my most challenging pieces to write. That was freaking crazy! hahaha, and especially to start off on. But Im rolling now! And yeah, i wont look at them again.
Sure, ill draw it up and send it to you, but I think MacGuiver may have the rights to it
2/2/2006 5:53 am
The Big Guns-|
I do try sir, glad that you enjoyed it. And looking forward to writing yours out, now that one is going to be off the charts insanity!
Out of the water indeed, moving warp speed and just a blur when you see me! Thats how its got to be my friend. And hell yeah! Love the road trips! Detroit, here comes the burgh!
Very happy to entertain, thats why I am here
to be concidered more creative than the all great, powerful, and mighty Billy Clint? Freaking priceless