The Clarion Connection "How to....." Prt 2.  

dasher121 36M
3656 posts
1/5/2006 4:31 am

Last Read:
10/20/2006 6:38 pm

The Clarion Connection "How to....." Prt 2.

So now a comical battle of feet vs. ice begins. The "not a real cop" is two levels above me, skidding on ice himself. While I am in the circle below doing the same. A very funny sight to see. I make it out of the circle and am heading down the sidewalk when I hit one final patch. I slip backwards but wave my arms like Im trying to start flying and actually keep my balance. However, as I lean forward to start running again, I stumble and hear a "click clack clack" against the sidewalk.

I look over my shoulder to see what it was, but my head is pulled upwards instead. I see, a good 50 yards away from me (keep that in mind, 50 yards away!)the "not a real cop" do a feet up over his head fall on his ass and slide all around. I giggle to myself and turn around, run down a road that goes out of campus and into the back yard of a student house.

I crouch behind the house for a few minutes, and am about to start my stealthy journey home when I reach into my pocket. My cell phone is not there. FUCK!!! That is what made the "click clack clack" noise. Taking a huge risk, I go back to where I dropped it. Its not there, no where around. Then the horror hits me, the "not a real cop" picked it up. They can trace me through that damn phone.

Immediately I sober up, and the bullshitter in me takes over,
"Ok ok, dasher, let me handle this. Evil twin, shut up and go to sleep."
And so the plan forms. I go back behind the house, take off my hat and sweatshirt. Now only in a very thin white longsleeve shirt. I light up a smoke and shiver as the wind rips into me. Im walking through the back parking lot on campus towards a little building marked "Public Safety".
I say to myself only one time,
"Dude, you are so fucking insaine." And off I go.

I walk into the campus "not real police" station. A sleepy eyed student working is sitting behind the front window doing homework. He looks up at me, "Can I help you?"
I take a deep breath, this is it. Let the show begin.

"Yeah, this is bit wild man. So Ill just start from the beginning. I was on my way home from the bar and I stopped at the convenience store for some smokes. I noticed that I dropped my cell phone somewhere while I was inside. So I went back out to look for it. Thats when I saw this guy, he reached down and scooped it up. I yelled at him and he started running through campus. So I chased him. I lost him at a point. But when I came up over the hill I saw one of your officers running after him yelling. I was wondering if you had caught him and if you may have found my phone. Dont want some asshole making calls on it."

The kid takes it all in and shakes his head,
"Yeah that would suck man, know the feeling. Can you tell me what he looked like?"

I take a half a breath, "Sure dude, he had a grey hooded sweatshirt and a white hat i think."

The student worker stiffens up, serious look on his face.
"Oh boy, yeah that guy has given us some problems tonight. The local police and all of our guys are looking for him. And yes, he dropped a phone. But he got away. The officers were hoping it was his. You're very lucky, let me radio them in."

He tells the not a real cop that the owner of the cell phone was at the station and that it was actually stolen. The student worker then gets off the call and tells me to wait outside. The pursuing officer will be here in a few with my phone. I step outside and light up again to calm my nerves. I have gone to fucking far this time. The not a real cop is never going to buy it. Too late now, up pulls the not a real cop car and a real cop car.

They step out and approach me. I recognize the guy who was chasing me as plain as day. I shake both of their hands, and shiver a bit. Then I repeat my story.
".....and thats when I saw one of your officers chasing him."

They all nodded with approval. And then the not a real cop said something I will never forget for the rest of my life!
He tightens his belt and looks at the REAL COP and says,
"Yeah, I got ahold of him while he was running. But the little bastard threw me to the ground pretty hard and took off. I would have had him if he wouldnt have hit me."

What?????!!!!!!! No he did not just completely fucking lie to look cool in front of the REAL COP!!! Scroll up this page right now and look at what really happened lol. He fell on his ass, and came no where near me. The smirk formed on my face. Another not a real cop asks for my name,
"My name is Edmund Dontes."
What? Did I really just say that?! The words just came out of my mouth. Now I have gone too far. In case you dont know who that is, that is the Count of Monte Cristo. A very popular book, character, and movie. Apparently they did not know that. I was asked to spell my name, given my phone back, and on my way. It took all I had in me not to fall on the ground laughing. Snuck back to the house grabbed my hat and sweat shirt and ran home.

Two days later the school news paper had printed this in their crimes section:

Public safety(not real cops) officers along with local police were and are still looking for (description of me that night) who pulled multiple alarms and assaulted an officer.
Student Edmund Dontes helped by backing up the All Points Bullentin(APB ) and retrieved stolen cell phone from the assailant.

AnEnigma517 59M

1/5/2006 10:11 am

Oh Jeeze "Ed" that was, well, let me put it in another way:

Grey hooded sweatshirt = $20 at the campus book store (on mastercard)
White ball cap = $6
Fucking with the campus "Not a real cop" = priceless!

The "not a cop" reminds me of something that happened to me at the Regatta this past summer. My day job -- yeah, I have a day job... haven't been selling my books and stories as long as Mr. King -- is Security Officer (well, now I'm a Security Supervisor) and these two teeny-bopper sluts from "around there in the norside" ('nuff said) walk by and one says to the other: "Oooh! A rent-a-cop." To which I ever so politely replied: "Uh, no ma'am, I'm a Security Officer." then got up kind of close to the prettiest one of the two uglies and said, ever not so sweetly: "But if I wuz fo rent, yo sho as hell woont be able tow afowd me cuz I sho's as hell woont be givin yo nutthin fo free!"

RedheadedMedStd 34F

1/5/2006 11:40 am

Dasher, you amaze me. You sound like one of my hoodlum guy friends trying to pull that off. I know a few guys who would've done that same shit too! You are a hellion who has settled down and it's nice to see. However, remembering your roots sure brings up some good stories. Keep up the great entertainment!


silkysmoothlegs3 105F

1/5/2006 1:41 pm

Brilliant Dasher
I loved both of these posts
You write so well
silky x

TheLilFondler 33F  
2576 posts
1/5/2006 1:54 pm

LMAO that is way too funny LMAO...

i lost my virginity years ago.....
but i still have the box.....

rm_saintlianna 45F
15466 posts
1/5/2006 2:02 pm

I have many Clarion connections and not a damn good thing has come out of any of them. Stay South my brother.

rm_texasgal1978 45F
225 posts
1/5/2006 4:08 pm

shaking my head at you.. for shame ... for shame...for shame...I so wish COPS had been filming that night so we could see you in live

nightstalker172 36M
1258 posts
1/5/2006 7:03 pm

whats worse is they printed it in the school paper That one brought a tear to my eye that was funny

_Safira 53F
11260 posts
1/5/2006 9:00 pm

Y0U are my hero for today. This is MARVELOUS!!! (See? We prove it constantly ... Truth IS stranger AND better than fiction!)

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?

tillerbabe 55F

1/5/2006 10:10 pm

OMG! I work with a bunch of "NOTREALCAMPUSCOPS" on UW Campus! LOL! I so "get" this!!!! You're killin me you lil' deliquent!

dasher121 36M

1/6/2006 3:03 am

curious- yes i am very fortunate. i dont expect everyone to know that name, but come on now!!

AnEnigma- oh yeah, quite priceless in deed, especially since our security were really assholes. the kind that treated the job like they were badass military types. "nope, no you are not fella's." And oh yeah, def know what you mean about the NorSide folk lol, thats too damn funny.

Red- I amazed myself sometimes. and those days are def behind me. I live a very very boring life now, and very happy with that.

Silky- humbled as always, thank you.

Lil- def laughing with you.

Humbold- it taught me that, with that mind and attitude, i really need to use my powers for good not evil Also, that people are not as well read as they should be.

dasher121 36M

1/6/2006 3:11 am

SisterSaint- oh im with you on that one, most def. nothing good came out of that place in the long run for me. I lost alot of things that i can never get back, my innocence was one of them. And was surrounded by fake people who, after a point, dragged me in the mud with them.

texas- hey, shaking my head with you hahaha. and that would have made a great episode lol.

nightstalker- welcome fello dude yes, the school article was the icing on the freaking cake. they had to have known and printed it anyway, they were all english majors!! still, it would not surprise me lol. glad you enjoyed.

Safira- im blushing lol. dont know about the hero part, but hell yeah truth sometimes is stranger than fiction. and believe me, i wish ANY part of that was a bit of embelishment. but NONE of it was, at all. thats what kills me.

mz- oh would have been a great episode. of course they may not have shown it once they realized they were made an ass out of. they had the guy they were looking for! right in front of him, and gave him back their evidence! lol.

till- hahaha yep, you know what i mean then. what really pissed me off though was that the not a real cop trying to be cool made me out to "assaulting an officer" and if i would have gotten caught, his lie would have really fucked me. figures.

rm_corezon 53F
3376 posts
1/6/2006 5:47 pm

LMAO - you are TOO funny!

The writeup in the school newspaper definitely was icing on the cake! Did you keep a copy?

jadedbabe78 105F

1/6/2006 8:36 pm

LOL--priceless!! I can't believe they fell for the Edmund Dontes, but I guess 'not real cops' don't read much or watch anything beyond the chuckle type humor .

And the way you wrote it out in clarity and the side comments (not real cops), lol...brilliant.

dasher121 36M

1/9/2006 7:12 am

corezon- one of my old roommates worked for the paper, just doing deliveries and grunt work as a course requirement. He was the one who discovered it, and yes brought me a copy. Unfortunately, I moved a few times at school after that and then back home. It was lost

jade- yes, once again cannot get over the Count of Monte thing. I really almost thought i went too far with that one. Guess I did not go far enough muahahahahahaha.

Glad that you all enjoyed Stay tuned for the next installment.

keithcancook 60M
17718 posts
3/31/2006 11:12 am


That was hilarious.

I should probably withdraw my non-fiction story in caressmewell's competition and enter a poem instead. Good one dude!

Blog On!

dasher121 replies on 4/5/2006 11:05 am:
hey, hows it going dude?! Thanks for taking the time to read this appreciate it.

rm_Ptalk1155 34M
3450 posts
3/31/2006 11:43 am

Edmond Dontes...LOL that's fantastic. Guess you got lucky neither of those guys happened to read in their spare time hehehe.

dasher121 replies on 4/5/2006 11:06 am:
oh hell yeah! I just about shit myself when I realized what came out of my mouth hahaha.

concupiscentKid 40M

5/30/2006 9:09 am

I'm thinking that all campus police are dense.
At Rice we used to knock over the soccer goals just to get them to chase us.
Yours is a story that is great whether it is well-written or not.
The premium is you're an excellent writer.

dasher121 replies on 5/30/2006 10:24 am:
yeah they arent the sharpest tools in the shed thats for sure. Thanks man! Greatly appreciate you comment and compliment!

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