The Adventures of the Dude: "Now thats a Knife!!!"  

dasher121 36M
3656 posts
3/20/2006 4:57 am

Last Read:
10/10/2006 8:48 am

The Adventures of the Dude: "Now thats a Knife!!!"

The second installment of The Adventures of the Dude comes from my 101st post listing. I mentioned that I had stabbed myself in the leg once with a REALLY big knife. RedheadedMedStd asked:

"That whole stabbing yourself with a huge knife thing, would that count as a Clarion Connection type story? Even if it doesn't you should still tell it. Your storytelling skills have only improved with time.

Plus I'm nosey."

Well miss nosey noserton hahaha, here you have it.

The Adventures of the Dude: "Now thats a knife!!!!"

October, 2004

It was about 9:30 pm. Both of my parents were out of town, at a cabin in the woods up North. I was getting ready to go out with a few friends for a night of boozing and dancing lol. I get out of the shower, do half of my getting ready routine, and slip on a pair of jeans. My cell phone rings, its an old friend I hadn't seen or heard from in years. Now, when I talk on the phone I cannot sit still, especially in a long conversation. I pace, I fidget, I move around.

As the conversation carries on further, I find myself walking the length of the upstairs bedrooms and hallway between them. Sitting on my dresser is a VERY large knife in a sheath. My dad got it for me for my birthday. Well actually he ordered a huge box of 100 knives for very cheap. They were all really shitty and he wanted to pawn them all off on other people as gifts. For the life of me I couldn't understand why he ordered them but whatever floats his boat I thought. So I ended up with this huge fucking knife!

While talking on the phone, shirtless only wearing jeans, I take the knife out of its sheath and begin flipping it around in my hand (like you do with a pencil when you are bored) while walking the length of the upstairs. Sooner than later, I end the phone conversation because I am now running behind getting ready. I hang up the cell phone, put it in my pocket, and head back into my bedroom to re-sheath the knife. As I'm walking, one of my pant legs catches on a small nail in the floor. I stumble.

In mid stumble, my arm fly's outward and downward very hard. Then I catch my balance to cause my arm to swing back upwards again. I stand there for a minute, I just almost fell flat on my face, and unsnag my pant leg. While looking down, I now notice that there is a very large slit in the jeans on my upper left thigh.

"What the fuck?" I think to myself.

Then I look at the knife. Covering about an inch and a half of this very large blood. I start to sweat. Now realizing what I have just done, I look down at my leg again. There's no blood coming out at all, but now I'm getting this stabbing pain (haha) in it. I take one step towards my bathroom in the hallway, I limp and have to catch my balance again. Now I see that my jean leg is getting darker in color. Looking at my foot on the floor I see a HUGE amount of blood begin to pour out onto it!!

"Oh for fucks sake!"

I half drag myself into my bathroom and fall sitting onto the toilet. My head starts to swim, beads of sweat pour down my face and start dripping onto my chest. Leaning sideways onto the sink, I turn on the cold water and start splashing it on my face.

"You're going to be ok dude, its just a really bad scratch thats all." Ha! I know, I didn't believe me either.

I try to stand up, fall right back down on my ass again. Telling myself that I have to do it, I unbuckle my jeans and slide them down a bit to look at my leg. I reach the spot and almost pass out at the sight of it. There is a large gaping whole in my upper thigh. The skin and fat tissue is showing through and split all the way into the muscle. I could see the damn muscles in my leg!!! My head swoons and I pull my jeans back up. One thing about the dude to know, I do not deal well with blood. Especially when its my own and its pouring out of my body!!!

Getting very dizzy and light headed, I try to pull my shit together. Reaching in my pocket, I remove my phone and dial 911. The operator answers and I tell her what happened, give her my address, and crawl into my hallway. Both doors downstairs are locked and I have to unlock them so the paramedics and police can get in without busting it down. I make it to the top of the stairs and sit down. You ever see in movies where a dude gets stabbed or shot in the leg. He has a moment of pain, then he ties something around it, soldiers up, and next thing you know he is moving around with a slight hobble?

Yeah, well thats all bullshit. Because I couldn't even drag my skinny ass 10 ft let alone limp all around. So sitting on the edge of the top step, I fall against the wall. Things are starting to get blurry, cant hold my head up. The woman on 911 asks why I just got all quiet. I tell her that my head is now ringing, I cant hear very well. She doesn't say anything, but I can hear it in her voice. Plus, I know what the ringing means. Its from massive loss of blood, and I'm going into shock. Putting pressure on the wound with my hand, I can feel that I'm getting tired and slipping from covering it. More and more blood keeps pouring out over my palm and onto the hardwood floor. I also know that there are major arteries in your legs. And if I hit one of them then my time is VERY limited.

The paramedics arrive and I can hear them routing around outside. I tell the 911 woman where the spare house key is hidden. A few minutes later, the head of a local police officer pops around the corner.

"Never thought Id ever hear myself say this, but I am glad to see you officer."

He smiles and lets the paramedics through. I am now at the point of trying to hold onto my consciousness very very hard. The paramedics look at my leg. The one in front of me looks at the other one very alarmed,

"We have to get him to the hospital........stat!"

Oh fuck, did he just say stat??!! I knew it, you dumb ass you hit an artery! You're going to fucking die like this. With your damn pants around your ankle's half naked. Kewl! My stomach turns, everything blurs, I don't feel good.

I throw up on one of the paramedics. I'm now strapped in the ambulance and we are on our way to downtown. I apologize to the guy I threw up on. He laughs and tells me its ok and that shit happens. He also informs me that I was going into severe shock and that can happen with that. After puking on him though, I feel a lot better (and the fact that they hooked me up to an IV and am now being pumped full of drugs). They hook up oxygen to me, the kind where the tubes go into your nose and hook around your nostrils. One of the two paramedics in the back attending to me starts cussing out the driver for hitting every possible pothole while trying to stick an IV into my arm (he ended up stabbing my arm about 4 times before getting the vain. But whats one more whole to me right?).

We pull up at the emergency exit and they are ready to go!!! Both paramedics grab the bed with wheels and yank me out onto the side walk. But what did they forget? To unhook me from the damn oxygen tank!!!!! So my head is immediately jerked backwards by the fucking nose, I grab their attention,

"Hey! Fellas fellas!! YO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm still hooked to the oxygen!!!!"

They stop, apologize, and unhook me. Then they wheel me into the one of the rooms and park me against the wall. And sitting on my legs, is the fucking knife that started this whole mess. They couldn't tell how deep the wound was except by looking at the mark on the knife. So they brought it in for the doctors to look at. And of course, gathered immediately around my bed is 5 nurses and two doctors. They are all making stupid Crocodile Dundee jokes,

"Now thats a knife!!!"

"Id hate to see what happens when he cleans a gun!!"

"Holy crap! Playing ninja were we?"

I fucking hated those people at that moment. Plus, to make matters worse, I'm sitting there now in just white and blood covered boxer briefs and now shirt or pants. I put my arm over my face and keep it there until I'm stitched up and given some clothes and crutches. My good friend picked me up and took me home. I get hobble into the house and up the stairs. Putting the crutches down I fill up a bucket of water. Sitting down on the ground with my leg outstretched, I start to clean up the huge amounts of blood. Finishing up I have a smoke and sit down. Its now 3:30 am. What a fucking night.

The final thought that goes through my head. Two weeks prior to this, I was removed from my parents health insurance. I don't have health insurance.

This is going to cost a lot of money.

This sucks.

For more check out The Adventures of the Dude: "Bad Trips, Dad, and the Furry Cat"

jadedbabe78 105F

3/20/2006 5:21 am

Oh no. That shit always happens right after the insurance goes away!

That sucks....can't say I've had THAT bad of an experience with blood loss. You sure have a lot of stories to tell, don't ya? lol


dasher121 replies on 3/23/2006 8:28 am:
lol, yeah sometimes I think I should just shut my trap, that my stories really arent that interesting. But then I say fuck it, if you dont like it dont listen hahaha. And yes, the timing with the insurance really sucked!

angelofmercy5 58F
17881 posts
3/20/2006 5:58 am

Man! That was one heck of a knife story!

dasher121 replies on 3/23/2006 8:29 am:
Tell me about it hahaha, it was one hell of a night!

digdug41 49M

3/20/2006 6:20 am

hey dasher I know that at the time this happened you weren't laughin coz it definitely wasn't laughable,but they way you just put it down had me goin man good post I could actually invision the whole thing cyaroun

roaming the cyber streets of blogland

dasher121 replies on 3/23/2006 8:30 am:
Thanks man, glad that you enjoyed it. And I was laughing at parts of it, but thats after they stopped the bleeding and I was passing out hahaha.

micahbiguns 50M

3/20/2006 6:33 am

ffs dude no nore playing with knifes for you glad you had you cell phone on you otherwise.....

dasher121 replies on 3/23/2006 8:31 am:
Seriously dude!! Very glad the phone was in my pocket. And believe me, no more playing with knives!

pet_humility 48F

3/20/2006 7:12 am

While talking on the phone, shirtless only wearing jeans

Thanks for that visual to help me along with reading the story

I unbuckle my jeans and slide them down a bit to look at my leg.

Once again, this helped it along also.. ( I know I'm a perv)

And the yanking your head back part with the oxygen tube still attached, well I laughed with that visual (sorry).. thanks!

I bet that had to be really fucking scarey though to go through by yourself.. Is it true that your life flashes before your eyes..

dasher121 replies on 3/23/2006 8:31 am:
Yeah, the oxygen thing really cracked up my shit during and after. I was just looking at them like a bunch of jackass's.

_Safira 53F
11260 posts
3/20/2006 7:34 am

I love you, Bro! Just read all your posts from the last week. You sooooo rock!!!

By the way ... I love "The Warriors", too!

Blessings & Jammin' to the Oldies ...


This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?

dasher121 replies on 3/23/2006 8:32 am:
Hell yeah!!! The Warriors rule!! And sorry I havent been over your way in a bit either. Def will do, happy to see you though

rm_AnOddGirl 57F
3469 posts
3/20/2006 7:46 am

I'm sorry the ER crew poked (ouch) fun at you. Having worked the ER I can tell you that your accident was probably the highlight of the night.
We medical people are sick fucks, usually have some sort of S/M tendencies and usually we are just plain bored. After they outlawed lawn darts and kids forgot how to play mumbly-peg life in the ER was reduced to gun shots, and motor vehicle accidents.
So allow me to apologize for their remarks, but you probably live in infamy still in that ER.


dasher121 replies on 3/23/2006 8:34 am:
Its cool, I was REALLY pissed off at the time, I mean after all i had no insurance, was in my underwear, covered in my own blood, oh and my leg had a big ass gaping hole in it!! But, I understood how rediculous it looked.

goldinboy2 59M

3/20/2006 1:55 pm

Im sorry dude but I just have to say it "Good thing you wern't playing with a pencil youd have poked your fucking eye out."LOL

dasher121 replies on 3/23/2006 8:34 am:
hahaha yeah when it rains it could fucking pour!

rm_texasgal1978 45F
225 posts
3/20/2006 4:36 pm

I pictured the whole incident vividly..poor baby. If it helps I am a fidgeter too. I was once talking on the phone while in the kitchen and the next thing I knew I had stuck a knife in the electrical socket by the toaster. it's true when people tell you that you get stuck to the object that is shocking you. I still remember the pain from that.

dasher121 replies on 3/23/2006 8:35 am:
oh yeah, I was electricuted really bad once too so know that feeling lol.

RedheadedMedStd 34F

3/20/2006 9:29 pm

Thanks for the story, you are the best!

dasher121 replies on 3/23/2006 8:36 am:
haha glad you liked. And no, you are the best

MissAnnThrope 56F
11488 posts
3/21/2006 2:31 pm

I'm glad you didn't hit the major artery. But you didn't tell us, did you need a blood transfusion?

About 20 years ago, my sister was in an accident and she basically took it on the chin. The steering wheel, that is. The gash was deep and into the muscle. My mother and I rushed to the ER and my sister never did forgive the doctor, my mother or myself for the gallows humor as she was being stitched up. But especially the doctor, whom she accused of being a sadist with a complete dungeon somewhere.

dasher121 replies on 3/23/2006 8:39 am:
Oh yeah, def did not hit an artery and very thankful for that. Actually, no i did not need a blood trans thank the lord. I lost alot of blood but not enough for that.

rm_art_persists 51M
1789 posts
3/21/2006 8:01 pm

pretty hardcore my friend. Sure am glad we have universal healthcare here - I'd be fucked otherwise. It's funny how when you can least afford it, the old system chooses to kick your ass all the harder.

dasher121 replies on 3/23/2006 8:40 am:
yeah tell me about it dude lol.

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