regret it in the morning  

dallas_mommy24 46M/35F
3 posts
7/12/2005 4:59 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

regret it in the morning

this is something I wrote to my bf when we were going through a hard time together...

I don’t think that an apology could ever possibly be enough…but at least it’s a start right? Ummm…for the first time in a long time I find myself unable to find the words to tell someone how I feel…really and truly I feel like the world’s biggest asshole for treating you the way I do most days, and it’s just not right. I get that way sometimes when I don’t feel well, and I really don’t mean to take it out on anyone. It’s just how I have always been, and it’s time for a change…You told me last night that I should evaluate my feelings. I think you should do the same. Because I want to know what I may or may not be jumping into. Well to be honest with you I don’t know where to start. And it is making me crazy exactly how confused I am right now.

You know, if neither of us cared, it never would have gone this far. Where I would they barely know? I told you that if you felt that I was getting too emotionally involved that both of us would have to take a step back and think things through. It’s not commonplace for me to do something like that. I always tend to dive head first into things before I have the chance to get my feet wet. I know that at the moment you are referring to this whole you and I situation as just friends with benefits who happen to live together. I understand that you are still married, but you should also understand that I was in a relationship for almost 9 years with a man who never cared about me, and for the first time since I was 14 years old, I find myself opening up to someone/something other than a piece of paper or a journal, and it scares me. I don’t like feeling emotionally vulnerable, that is why I keep myself shut off from you so often, because I realize now that I care so much more than I should. And for that I am sorry. I wish I could change the way I feel, but how could I go about doing that without changing who I am?

For just one instant I imagine myself not having to worry about anyone, and whether or not I hurt their feelings, or they hurt mine. And being alone is just something that doesn’t agree with me. I don’t know if this will get your approval, but at least I put it out there. I just couldn’t find enough of me to sit you down and get all of this out without breaking down. I guess that as soon as this is read and you have had time to steam over my words, you and I will know where we stand, or if we’re even left standing at all…it’s 5:26 a.m. and I just can’t seem to get out everything I want to say…
Like I told you last night, we’re a little more involved than just being roommates. And involved is the word I meant to use. I just wish I could find the honesty and I guess courage is the word I am looking for, to actually let all of this come out of my mouth instead of having to resort to typing this. What the hell is wrong with me? Whoops, slipped and what the hell did I fall in? I don’t exactly like the word, but apparently it’s love, or somewhere in between. Lust maybe? No, too much emotion coming from me for it to just be lust, and I don’t like it one bit. I’m actually hating myself at the moment, because when you and I first met, I told you as well as you saying the same thing to me, that I was not looking for someone to fall in love with. Why is this so hard? Damn this is T.N.T shit I’m putting out right now. It seems like it’s about to blow up in my face. I don’t want this to come between you and I being friends. You have done nothing but show me kindness, and for the most part respect me, and I appreciate it and thank you so much for that. Anyhow, I wish you the best in whatever you may choose. And hope that you and I can remain friends no matter what your decision may be.

April Renee’ Reid

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