Coming out, bisexuality adventures and do I need a girlfriend?  

cutevixen69 49F
9 posts
4/17/2006 6:53 pm

Last Read:
4/22/2006 2:28 am

Coming out, bisexuality adventures and do I need a girlfriend?

I've made some whopping gains on personal sexuality issues over the past several months. It started out when I was talking with my boyfriend about a fantasy I had involving a threesome. Unlike most men, the idea of a threesome - at least one involving me - didn't have much appeal to him. He'd been in one before and he said it was an awkward experience for all. He told me he didn't want to share me and didn't feel comfortable with the idea of me 'doing things' with another women. Then he seemed to move past it as he started to think more about the idea.

The unfortunate part is that he started to become more okay with it all, I became increasingly less keen on a threesome. You see a few things started to happen.

First off, I started to ask myself WHY I was really interested in a threesome. I made some startling revelations about myself in the process of doing this self-analysis. Namely that I am almost certainly bi and always have been, I just never acknowledged it before.

Second, I've never done anything with a woman sexually before and in spite of my wanting to explore this area, it is still with a great deal of trepidation. I don't want to be in a case where I go from a to z in one giant leap. Who knows - I might find out after 'a', that I'm not interested in pursuing things further.

Third, I think I was looking at a threesome as a way of figuring out if I really was bi or not... but it was in the context of 'just sex'. Now I'm not so sure I want my first female encounter to be just about sex. I think - no I know - I want to develop at least a friendship first. One where the person at least understands the issues I'm dealing with.

So the threesome thing is on the backburner for sure for me right now. It doesn't mean I don't want to DO it, it just means I feel I need to experience some one on one explorations first.

I've tried to really be honest with my boyfriend through all of this. Sometimes honesty can be a hell of a thing when you are really fucked up about something yourself. It hasn't been easy - either on us as individuals or on our relationship. He started out seeing things in black or white.... ie that I must either be straight or I'm a lesbian. He had a hard time understanding the middle ground that is bisexuality.

I don't know where this journey will have me end up. I do know that it's taken me way too long to acknowledge what has always been inside and now that I've started actually talking about it, I do need to actually do something. But I do know that as much as I have no doubt I can be as attracted to a man as a woman, I know I'd not want a permanent, PRIMARY relationship with another woman. I just enjoy men too much and I can't see toys as being a sufficient replacement for penetration either.

My boyfriend saw all of this as a threat to matter how I explained it to him, he didn't seem to get that this wasn't about US but it was about ME. No matter what he can do, or we can do, it can't change what is inside of me. It doesn't mean OUR relationship is lacking in any way. At least I don't think so because the feelings aren't new - it's just my desire to do something with them.

Well after a lot of back and forth between us on the issue, he and I spent a good deal of time this morning discussing things. He said he was feeling better about things and that he no longer perceived my need to explore my sexuality as a threat to our relationship. He also was comfortable with the idea of this not being a threesome thing but a solo venture - at least in the short-term. (gasp) he even said he understood if I wanted to have a girlfriend. Now of ANYTHING he could have said, that probably shocked me the most.

I felt good. Better than I had in a long while. Then of course something had to be said that made me have some doubt about what was really going on with him. He told me - he'd like us to deal with working on OUR relationship first before I go out and do anything. (We've intentionally on my part between apart for 2 1/2 months - it will be 3 months by the time we are together again) This made me really wonder how much he understood about what I was going through right now.

I realize I can't expect miracles. It's taken me decades to come to grips with my sexuality and even still, I know I am a far way from truly understanding what label I should be pinning on myself. How can I expect HIM to understand this in a matter of months?

I have to admit, after the conversation with him, I was feeling rather coldhearted. I really think that for the sake of our relationship, I need to deal with this now rather than later. I don't know what the picture of what will make me happy in the future looks like. I can't know. But I know that I won't be comfortable in my relationship with HIM unless I have full freedom to explore. I just wonder if he can really deal with this.

GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11238 posts
4/18/2006 12:31 am

good luck on the choicez ....

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