honesty  

curiousinlorain7 59F
15358 posts
7/31/2006 9:10 pm

Last Read:
8/3/2006 7:35 pm

honesty


this is a blog i started a while ago and just never sent out. It started in one direction but it kinda took a turn somewhere. I decided to post it here anyway. I'm thinking by giving light to it.. it will bury some old haunting ghosts that I'm franky quite sick of... so here it is...

I was visiting one of my friend’s blog sites. He was remembering a first love. And I thought I’d put some of my words down here too.

I remember meeting him for the first time. I was the coldest play off in Cleveland Brown history, the game was almost cancel. I remember the thoughts that came through my head. How I could tell he was confident. Didn’t care what others thought about him.. He was comfortable within himself. How attractive that was to me. I learned that he was competitive. We bowled our first date. I had told them how it was a national holiday if I ever bowled over 100. My lowest game that night was 216.. Go figure all I needed to be a good bowler was to not bowl for 6 or more years, tell everyone how bad I did bowl, and then strike city!!!

Our second date was our first solo date. I ask him all sorts of questions and he answered in the right ways... He did go to church, he did believe in God, and he was a Christian... all important questions for me. We shot pool that night. I told him how poor a pool player I was, and he told me that how that bar was a nice family bar with no fights, just good pool playing. I think he got in 7 shots the first game and only 2 the second.. Yes once again I was amazing at something I am usually poor at.. He didn’t like that but we joked about how he was. Then we did pinball.. Ya you pretty much guessed how pin ball turned out!! Once again I liked the confidence he showed, the amazing sense of humor. How his intelligence shined. Just as we finished up our second pinball game this HUGE fight broke out!! It was horrible!! He grabbed me and just walked me by the fighters and looked them in the eye and told one of them he was going to hurt anyone that bothered me. That became our joke.. Looks like a nice family place.. No fights LOL

I liked him as a friend. We did a lot of things together. Then one day he was more than a friend. He rode his bike 15 miles to see me, to surprise me. And I was not home. So someone was surprised! That became another joke that we privately shared between us. All the times he’d take me on dates far away and say well you’ll have to pay your own way, or get your own ride home. And I’d say... I brought my own money and I know someone that lives near here and they’ll give me a ride. He used to like to get his old girlfriends going by joking with them about that... and I never jumped I always had a back up plan..it was one of the things he said he loved about me.

I remember the day he asked me how long I thought it would take to throw together a wedding. And what I was doing the next day. And opened up his hand to this beautiful clear diamond solitaire stone. He said I’m too nervous to have a long engagement let’s pick out a ring to set this stone in tomorrow and get married in December. I remember how wonderful it felt. How our times had been so great. How sweet our first lovemaking was that night. Me, shy and him once again confident. He was my first.

I remember seeing his face when I told him I was pregnant just a month after the wedding. How happy he was. How united we were to be having this child. And the birth of our son made things even more alive and fulfilling between us. Every day was a joy, full of love and harmony. I could not believe how blessed I was. And just a few years later we had our daughter. What is with men and their little girls? She became a princess and I was the queen. How we shared long hours of being parents.. Loving every moment of it. We were this unit.. Us together against the evils of the world.

I remember the joy I felt to be going someplace with him. If it was to feed the ducks with the kids at a nearby pond, or to have a date night just the two of us it was spectacular. Every thought and dream expressed and fulfilled.

I would wake up each morning thinking... I can’t believe how blessed I am, and how happy I am to be alive!! I had friends that would complain about their spouses and I’d think I’m so lucky, my husband is perfect! I was deeply in love with him. I was in love with my life. I loved my children. Has any woman been so blessed?

I remember the day, in the counselor’s office when you told me it was all a lie. Every bit of it. You had never, in fact, asked God in your heart. Never been baptized. Never wanted me. Never loved me. How I was a joke to you and your friends. How every last little bit of our time together was one big lie. And how I should have known that it was a lie.

I remember how it felt to sit in that chair, in front of a stranger, while you hurt me beyond words. How my most precious times in my life, my happiest joyfelt moments were a lie.

ZZ_Todd 59M

8/1/2006 9:31 am

As skeptical as I've become in my "golden years"... I still wouldn't trade any of my memories of yesteryear. I often wonder what my "first love" is up to these days... I haven't seen her since the night we graduated from high school... June 2, 1975.

The "first love" isn't always the "best love"... but first will always be special.


fortunaswm 62M/52F

8/1/2006 10:53 am

BIG HUG sweet J -

I can only imagine the pain and the sense of betrayal. It must have been absolutely devastating. I know that rivers of tears must have flowed for quite awhile.
However - I know it is a well worn quote that may seem trifle -
But, it is true that it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. I am happy for the years of bliss you did have.
AND - I got a feeling he is full of shit - I doubt it was a lie at all - but, only his darkness that he was trying to escape.

But, what a cold heartless way to have expressed it. I think that through personal experience - I can say there is a good chance that "It's a rain gonna fall" before his eyes again open to his mistake.


fortunaswm 62M/52F

8/1/2006 10:57 am

Oh yeh - about the little girls thing - I always wanted a daughter, but never had children of my own - just a stepson.
But, I think it was just as well - I probably would have spoiled the shit out of her.

"What?? - you're mother said NO! - don't worry my sweet girl - I'll take care it for you"


leegs55 55M

8/1/2006 1:58 pm

u are welcome to my blogg anytime!!


playtime44uandi 53M
6545 posts
8/1/2006 4:03 pm

Honestly, If he spent that long with you I cant believe it was all a lie. Sometimes people say things to hurt you to put an end to things.
Sometimes feelings change over time. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. It sucks when things come to an end.
hugs....

~We'll Leave The Light On~


curiousinlorain7 59F

8/1/2006 4:20 pm

wow, one of the reason's that I posted this was to eradicate some ghosts.... and this had done that for me I had a great day today... and it was a Tuesday... all of you familiar with my blog know that Tuesdays are not my best day!!!


curiousinlorain7 59F

8/1/2006 4:46 pm

    Quoting playtime44uandi:
    Honestly, If he spent that long with you I cant believe it was all a lie. Sometimes people say things to hurt you to put an end to things.
    Sometimes feelings change over time. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. It sucks when things come to an end.
    hugs....
honestly play, I'd take every hug you want to give me


curiousinlorain7 59F

8/2/2006 6:54 am

    Quoting rm_mzhunyhole:
    What a wonderful story ya wrote..so bittersweet..such a tender lie.
Thank you mzhuny... you know the telling of that story laid to rest quite a few ghosts


florallei 99F

8/2/2006 10:21 am

Hello Curious,

Again our stories seem to mirror one another but I know my ex said to me that he felt bad and was sorry for saying he never loved me...He said it so I would hate him and make it easier for him to run off with a young girl...
I hope your ex also feel regret...he wanted you to hate him to justify what he was doing at the time...TY for sharing...Your memories still held truth...you were honestly happy with the relationship and the birth of your child...those no one can say were lies...
flo


rm_smosmof2 67M
3240 posts
8/2/2006 5:30 pm

Wrinkle my eyebrows together at the last two paragraphs.... doesn't fit with the rest of the story... there's an ellipsis somewhere.... missing data.

Other than why?, of course.....

My sympathies.

Snide comment surpressed. Not the time for it.....


curiousinlorain7 59F

8/2/2006 6:36 pm

    Quoting rm_smosmof2:
    Wrinkle my eyebrows together at the last two paragraphs.... doesn't fit with the rest of the story... there's an ellipsis somewhere.... missing data.

    Other than why?, of course.....

    My sympathies.

    Snide comment surpressed. Not the time for it.....
The story ended that way, because the living of it was night and day for me... without any warning. The data is in the abyss


rm_smosmof2 67M
3240 posts
8/2/2006 8:25 pm

    Quoting curiousinlorain7:
    The story ended that way, because the living of it was night and day for me... without any warning. The data is in the abyss
That's familiar... xgf and I had been in counseling..it was clear that her therapist had an agenda of getting her to break up with me... it was a house joke... right up until she decided to go...

Still haven't recovered. not sure I want to ... give anyone a chance to ever do that to me again, even with the best of intentions....


ladyslovemiller 50M

8/2/2006 8:28 pm

What can I say! I was married only two months after having my first child at my age. Never a argument, a raised voice, no name calling, nothing but love from me and then I come home to an empty house. One day she just up and left with my four month old son, my gift from god for trying to live like he would have me live, in his word. At least you were given a reason and had the chance to spend time with your child. I have nothing. Be thankful you were able to love them for the time you did.


curiousinlorain7 59F

8/3/2006 7:35 pm

ladyslove.... I thank God every day for the blessing of my children... welcome to my blog, come on back anytime.


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