Reaching out  

curious082385 31F
4230 posts
1/12/2006 12:52 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Reaching out

Lost in sleep, unaware of the waking world around her, she cries out in loss. Two tears hang sparkling for a moment on her eyelashes before slipping down her cheeks. Somewhere she knows he won't be there, but so clearly can she feel his warmth, hear his breath that her hand reaches out across the bed, searching for the presence that can only be with her in dreams. Her body twists in pain and she feels a gentle hand against her cheek, a quiet voice whispering her name. Opening tear filled eyes, she looks up to the soft gaze of her sister.
"You were dreaming, sweetie."

This has become the pattern of each and every night. To not be together...a sharp, physical pain that takes my breath away. A countdown plays always in my head, marking off the hours as they pass...but still it seems so far.

I know that there are many here who are in the same or similar situation of being separated by time, distance or circumstance from the one they need to be holding. Many who will understand exactly what I mean when I say that most days I can be optimistic and strong, reminding myself that far away and not with me now is better then not having him at all. But that some days the loneliness and pain creeps by those cheerful thoughts and cuts deep. *sigh* Today would be one of those days.
Actually to be honest, it's one of those weeks.

For those of you who feel the same, do you feel more vulnerable in a distance relationship then you do in one where you regularly see the person? Or is this just me?

There are days I think I can't do this, that the waiting will kill me. Days when I want to say "to hell with practicality" and simply jump on a plane, or even in my car and start driving. Days when the doubt creeps into my head and my time becomes consumed with fighting dark thoughts away.

I will be honest and say that finding the blogs of those in similar situations has been a tremendous help. To know I'm not alone in feeling this way, that others fight the same emotions and can understand this. Most of the time, I don't ask for help. I will vent my emotions, but I rarely ask. But tonight this is just too great. I'm not even sure what I'm asking for. A smile? A hug? Advice? Random silliness? I don't know. But I need you now.

Efilnikufecin69 47M

1/12/2006 1:50 am

you just hang in there kiddo! We both know that I know first hand what you are going through. As your friend, all I can do is offer you comfort and tell you everything will be ok. One day you and your prince WILL come together, and it will be beautiful. I wish the both of you luck and happiness together(whether physically or mentally).

SensualDreaming7 34F

1/12/2006 2:08 am

Heart breaking for you, sweet one. But you know that I, for one am always here, even though I'm not the easiest person in the world to get a hold of. And you have friends here who will reach out and hug you whenever you ask for it. See?

Chin up, baby girl, you're almost there.

dasher121 36M

1/12/2006 2:57 am

For all of those dark thoughts, moments of lonliness, hurt and want, there is someone else who suffers the same. Whose heart aches and stomach turns. But then a great and beautiful thought enters his mind and he smiles, swallows the pain, and rests just a bit easier knowing the great person that awaits. And everything that he has ever wanted, coming at him slowly but surely.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/12/2006 4:49 am

Efil - Thank you. I know that we will be and that it will be wonderful...but it seems so far away sometimes. But you're know how it is.

Sensual - Big hugs back to you too. And no, you aren't the easiest to get a hold of!
"Shoulders back, chin up, smile even when you feel like crying"...I know, I remember.

elysianpleasure 47M

1/12/2006 4:50 am

You can be alone with someone in the same room. When you find someone that moves you the distance seems hard to bear... but the heart can be patient and the reunions memorable. Hang in there... and think of creative ways to bridge the distance and make the time away shorter.


1/12/2006 5:19 am

Hi Curious,

you wrote,

I know that there are many here who are in the same or similar situation of being separated by time, distance or circumstance from the one they need to be holding.

I want to say three things at once here and don't know where to start.

Somehow try to think of all of these simultaneously since events only seem to be have logical sequence and orderly chronology due to our ideas concerning "time".

1) I have done that and have also said "I will never do that again" only to later actually get involved yet another LDR (long distance relationship). But for now I again say "never again!"

2) When hear of situations like yours I often do think that its just better to have nobody at all (for me that is) and it is indeed where I now find myself. It can be desolate but (for me) there is some sort of "coping mechanism" that kicks in where part of you simply "shuts off". Somewhat like a naturally occuring pain killer that dulls the effect of being so solitary. But this is dual edged sword that does indeed dull the pain of lonliness but also sucks some lifeblood out you by making you somewhat passionless and can make your life incredibly boring and utlimately unmemorable.

3) I think if I now again found myself in this situation (which is entirely possible even though I have also sworn to myself that I was determined to find unconditional love for myself within walking distance of where I now live, I would just say "fuck it all" and just do whatever it took to have that person in my life.

I know that's much easier said than done because with a high degree of distance like that it is really challenging to actually just pick up and do that do that without making some major compromises to other quite big things that you might have going in your life.

But I will still stand by that idea that if I had a really overpowering passion like that going (if I can ever get that switch switched on again) I think I would simply motivate and really make that stretch to do whatever it took to get the job of geting us together.

And I repeat I know that's is much easier said than done.


PS. I am actually really curious to step back fascinatedly observe what the hell I might really would and what idiotic lengths I might push myself to go to if and when that might ever happen. I certainly hope, that I would really do some truly insane things that would asolutely crack me up later when I really though about it.

My brother has a whole load of goofy stories about crazy stuff he did when engineering the situation that eventually led to the life that he now has with the girl that he married. And I'll be damn disappointed if I don't some day do whole lot of similar stuff for quite similar reasons!

I think the closest person I now have a genuine interest in would be about a 4 or 5 hours walk away.


curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/12/2006 6:42 am

Dasher - Everything I've ever wanted...yes, very much. Something great and wonderful that I never thought I would find. That's why the fears are so afraid of losing that even though I know it's steady. The pain is shared. Every breath is an ache, but every heartbeat is a step forwards. Thank you.

CelticKarma 43F
1350 posts
1/12/2006 7:47 am

Oh, precious... I wish I could help you, but I'm the last person to ask. Distance has always been my enemy, as you know, but if he truly loves you then the wait is always worth it. It sounds like you already have a definte date, which is always good.

Taker care, precious, rmember someone out there loves you.

goddessofbitches 41M/33F

1/12/2006 5:39 pm

If the heart has what it takes, so do you. Most don't realize what the heart can withstand. The pain is coming from the mind. It thinks on it's own and doesn't listen to the heart. It will tell you that something else is taking your place, or that you will be vulnerable.

But if you listen to your heart, it will tell you something completely different. It will tell you there is no need to worry, no need for pain, because love overcomes all...


Always The Bitch

rm_corezon 53F
3376 posts
1/13/2006 12:04 am

Faith, faith, and more faith.

Don't be afraid that if the wait is too long, the heart will forget...

like the man that sees his face in the mirror but turning away from it, forgets what it looks like...

Dylan wrote that a man sees just what he wants to see, and disregards the rest. I think that a man gets just what he expects to see what you want, and believe that it is yours....dare to expect it...

When love is felt, it is real. When love is shared, it is miraculous. When it consumes you, it is inevitable. No time, no distance, can dissolve it. Keep the faith...let it unfold...and act when you need to....

I will paraphrase KC; I hope that should the miracle ever happen again in my life, that I will have the faith do whatever it takes to complete that dream...and remembering that without love in the dream, it will never come true.

bulging_boy 49M

1/13/2006 1:11 am


Our pains are similar... you have someone who counts the days until you are in their life.


I hope you both are ready for how amazing that's going to be!

bulging_boy 49M

1/13/2006 1:13 am


and *anytime* you need some shite babbled at you... you got it!

I think this guy is one lucky fellow... he knows it too!

You of course see it from the other side, and you know it as well.

On the back straight now sweetie. Keep hanging in. The goalposts are getting closer by the day

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/13/2006 4:28 am

Elysian - "the heart can be patient and the reunions memorable" Very much counting on that. Thoughts of being together are all that keep me from going crazy these days.

KC - Yes, when love comes along and truly knocks you over and consumes do whatever you have to do to keep it. Sacrifices, distance, time, plane tickets...all minor things in the face of such a love.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/13/2006 4:30 am

CK - Yes, there is a date set and that helps...the secure knowledge of when this hell will come to an end. And there is no doubt that the wait is worth it...but waiting still hurts.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/13/2006 4:50 am

Goddess - Oh yes, my heart is steady and calm....not patient, but not doubting. But my mind comes up with all sorts of things to torture me with. Doubts and fears that do nothing to help the situation. And deep down, I know that this is right and he is where I belong. It is just a matter of calming my mind.

Beautifully written. Thank you.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/13/2006 5:01 am

Corezon - "When love is felt, it is real. When love is shared, it is miraculous. When it consumes you, it is inevitable. No time, no distance, can dissolve it. Keep the faith...let it unfold...and act when you need to.... "
This is beautiful. Speechless and teary eyed. You just captured the connection between the two of us in perfect words. Thank you for your support and words.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/13/2006 5:22 am

Bulge - You really have been a huge source of comfort through all of this. Just the knowledge that I'm not the only one who feels this.

Amazing? Yes it will be. Beyond words, I know.

Thank you.

MrNuttz05 49M

1/13/2006 4:15 pm

I got the fattest hug that you could ever want my sista'... But there is something in this world that we can't touch, see, taste, nor smell. But it exist in each & every one of us. And if we, your BLOGGING friends can channel it to you, you know that we will. It's called FAITH, & if you believe then multiply that by us... I will hold your hand till the end....

634694u2 46M

1/14/2006 9:25 am

Never quit. You never know where life will take you.

rm_Blue_Leopard 43F

1/14/2006 8:48 pm

Wonderful... the trophy hunter is back. No wonder Katarina was lurking around... Nekomi banged her up a bit not long ago. Someone had better warn Kalasin this guy is no good.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/16/2006 3:15 am

Divinity - It just feels as if I have waited so long for this to come into my life. Now that it has...being apart from it is close to unbearable. But yes, time falls away...every hour brings me closer to a love that never wavers. *sigh* I'm just not the most patient person in the world.

Mr.Nuttz - A hug would be very much welcome right now. Humbled by a beautiful reminder of the faith I can feel.
*grabs Nuttz's hand and holds on tight* Thank you.

63 - Good to see you back. Honestly.
It's strange what turns life can take. The twists and hills that lead us to new and unexpected destinations.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/16/2006 3:27 am

Leopard - Do not cast your judgements on people and situations that you have no knowledge of.

SensualDreaming7 34F

1/16/2006 4:57 am

Blue Leopard...what the hell is your problem? What business of your is it who she talks to or not?

rm_Blue_Leopard 43F

1/16/2006 5:15 am

I know evil when I sense it... and the feeling grows stronger.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/16/2006 6:13 am

After a simple one-line post, you make assumptions and twist the situations to fit your own ideas of what is going on. You know nothing of the circumstances, emotions or relationships of the people involved here.

dasher121 36M

1/16/2006 6:20 am

have to agree with curious and Sensual on this one, do not comment what you do not know and let people make their own decisions. Sensing evil on your part does not mean that evil lurks for sure.

rm_Blue_Leopard 43F

1/16/2006 8:30 am

Very well... tell Katarina I wash my hands of Kalasin.

GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11240 posts
1/16/2006 11:07 am

~ sending warm hugz ~ . It can be hard. But, however corny it may sound, it usually does get better.

expatbrit49 62M

1/16/2006 11:56 am

hang in there

Thank You for Your Time and Attention

oldman1776 78M
3164 posts
1/16/2006 6:49 pm

You hang in there lady.

rm_saintlianna 45F
15466 posts
1/16/2006 10:18 pm

I have no idea whats going on.

SensualDreaming7 34F

1/16/2006 11:10 pm

    Quoting rm_Blue_Leopard:
    Very well... tell Katarina I wash my hands of Kalasin.
Good riddence, I say.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/17/2006 12:10 am

GOTD - *hugs back to you* Thank you. And it's not corny at all...time ticks away, bringing the light at the end of the tunnel closer and closer.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/17/2006 12:11 am

Dasher and Sensual - Thank you for your support...the two of you are the best friends a girl could ask for.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/17/2006 12:16 am

Expat and Oldman - What should I hang on to?
In all seriousness, thank you.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/17/2006 12:17 am

Saintli - you ever??

aascrompn 42M
6444 posts
1/17/2006 12:25 pm

*Hugs* Sorry you're feeling down!

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/18/2006 3:23 am

aascrompn - *Hugs* Thank you.

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