For the first time...I doubt  

curious082385 31F
4230 posts
12/28/2005 1:06 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

For the first time...I doubt

I have spent the last few hours bouncing around the blogs, reading, commenting, laughing and, in one instance, crying. There is so much emotion in what we write here. So much honesty.

For the first time I find myself scared and apprehensive about posting.

Always before, I have sat here at my computer and simply written what came to mind. Sometimes it was a post that I had thought about all day, sometimes I just sat down and wrote. I tried yesterday to write a new post, but the internet crashed and I lost all that I had written before I got a chance to put it up. Didn't have the time or the heart to rewrite it all. I know that there are many people who have kept coming back to my blog...waiting for me to post something new (thank you).

But there is just one problem.

The things that all of you write are so profound, so deep, so funny, so heartbreaking, so deliciously enjoyable to read. And for the first time, I worry about letting you all down by not being able to post something on similar interest or intensity. Am I just being depressed? Or is the dark, lonely storminess of the night getting to me? When I sit, listening to the rain, and have no arms around me or even a loving voice on the phone to warm the night and ease the loneliness. Could that be all this is? Perhaps, yes. Maybe I'm just doubting that you are all interested in what I have to say. In all honesty, I have no idea why you keep coming back. I really don't.

You compliment me with your comments, your returning presence and your interest. But there are only simple thoughts in my head and I fear boring you with them.

I could write to you of the beauty of my Christmas. Of being back in the warmth of my family and how infinitely precious that is to me. Of how their words of support and love echo still in my heart and mind.

I could tell you the darkness of my past...stories of pain, fear, betrayal and anger. But who would want to read that?

I could tell you about Him. How he came into my life and brought light back into my world. How much everything has changed now that I have found Him. How deeply my heart cries out to be with Him.

Or tell you about the children I work with. How I cried when I opened my present from Will. How precious that child has become and of my pride in everything he is doing. Of all that he has accomplished in so short a time.

But in the end, no matter what I would just be two dimensional words on a computer screen. Written by the mind and hands of someone you have never seen, never spoken to.

nightstalker172 36M
1258 posts
12/28/2005 4:34 am

I wouldnt worry about letting us down because you for ideas on what to write everything you listed sounds good to me

Besides we come here because 1. we like you 2. we find you interesting. 3. A very talented poet 4. I love to look longingly at your kneecap

Do you have to write every day? you have to write to appease us?.....hell write what you want and what makes you feel good...Its your blog not ours...and if you get no one who reads a post who posted it for yourself....thats all you need.

sillyperv 54M

12/28/2005 9:02 am

Anything written honestly will speak to everyone, no matter the subject. Don't worry! Enjoy!

ManinMcK 50M
23 posts
12/28/2005 9:09 am

Curious, just living up to you name... *BIG HUG* question all you want, but know that you have reached people here, people who you may not ever meet in the flesh, but you have touched nonehteless. The mundane is just as important as all your other beautiful words because it is a part of you. Remember life is about loving the whole enchilada, the happiness, the excitment, the quiet times, the sorrow, the pain, the good times and bad. Simple thoughts while I know they are there (coffee or tea) I have yet to see them posted here. So far every thing i have read reflects what i see as a beautiful mind, a loving soul, and a person quickly growing into the fullness of life (maybe to quickly) don't let go of the inocense, continue to be suprised at the beauty of a sunrise. Don't let the darkness of your past shadow your future, remember it, let it temper you not harden, write about your pain if you need to, we will read it and cry, empathize, and lovingly hug you in support and concern. write about your joy, we will laugh, and share ours too. Write about your shopping, we will ask you if you forgot the TP, or katsup. Only the words are 2 demensional not the emotions you convey or our feeling while reading them, that is the essence of conversation, you impart so much to you words don't ever question that, we are here because we want to be, we like to be, and in some cases need to be... {=} OF course you doubt, use it to find your answers not to limit yourself, doubt is a question, ask it, find the answers, own the answers, good, or bad, and move on... Live, Laugh, Love... Manin

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
12/29/2005 3:31 am

Night - How did you know that I needed to hear all of that? It is so easy to get caught up in being worried about comments and readership...thank you for the reminder that this place is more than that.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
12/29/2005 3:35 am

Noonerboy - *in tears*
I have now gone back and read your comment several times, but still I seem unable to put my thoughts into words. There is gratitude and humility and amazement and joy all caught inside my head...but I can't seem to find the words to tell you how deeply that reply touched me. And so I will simply say...thank you.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
12/29/2005 3:39 am

Sillyperv - Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. The more time I spend here and the more honesty that I write...the more I love this place.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
12/29/2005 3:41 am

Manin - "Don't let the darkness of your past shadow your future, remember it, let it temper you not harden, write about your pain if you need to, we will read it and cry, empathize, and lovingly hug you in support and concern. write about your joy, we will laugh, and share ours too.....we are here because we want to be, we like to be, and in some cases need to be..."

Beautiful. Simply beautiful. Yet another one where eloquent words fail me and I am left humbled and in simple gratitude.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
12/29/2005 3:43 am

Divinity - Thank happy that our paths crossed.

"And tell us more about Him. I want to know more."
Do you now? What else do you want to know?

dasher121 36M

1/4/2006 3:40 am

I think everyone here has def said it best. You are such a wonderful person, and it shows through every little thing you do. Every word that you write has such power behind it. You are an amazing woman miss Curious, and getting to know you through any kind of words is truely a blessing and an honor.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/5/2006 1:10 am

Thank you and all of that can be turned around and said right back to you. Especially about the blessings and honor of having crossed paths with you.

SensualDreaming7 34F

1/13/2006 3:30 am

You worry too much, girly! We love you. And we love your crazy-ass random thoughts. That's why we are here. Every day on that little recent visitors list.
We're here....we're staying here...accept it!

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/16/2006 5:03 am

Sensual - "crazy-ass random thoughts", huh? lol...yes they are. Why you keep coming back and reading them is totally beyond me.

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