Back In California  

curious082385 31F
4230 posts
3/2/2006 1:02 am

Last Read:
11/14/2006 4:19 am

Back In California


Well, I'm back.
Back in California after spending the last two weeks in Pittsburgh. I enjoyed my time there, but leaving was hard.

One of the things about love and friendship is that they open you up to realizations and self-examination. The world changes and you see everything in a new light, including yourself. And it is easy for feelings to get confused. People say things like “I need you” or “you gave me the strength to do it”. I myself have said those things. They are beautiful and romantic and bring a flutter to the hearts of lovers. Everyone wants to be needed. And here is where things get complicated.

Because, when you love someone, having them by your side is the most wonderful thing in the world. And that feeling isn't there any other way. You need that special person in order to feel that way. But you don't need them in order for you to be happy, in order for you to be strong or resilient.

Do you ever have those moments when you sit down to write and you think you know what you are going to write...but then you find yourself going in a completely different direction? And the things that you write are revelations and new to you even as you write them? I sat on the plane, watching the fading lights of Pittsburgh and opened my journal with a specific thought in mind. Four hours later, I had turned out close to ten pages and all of it was a revelation to me.

My time in Pittsburgh and my time with Dash opened the doors for a lot of things. I don't need people to fix my life. I never have. Other people can't "save" or "rescue" us...we have to do it ourselves or it holds no meaning or value. What I needed, without even realizing it, was someone who could know my heart, see all that I was and believe in me. Dash was that person. Even if he had only believed in me for just the tiniest of moments...it was enough. He was a wake-up call.

I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the way, I let the opinions and thoughts of other people rule my vision of how I see myself. Yes, I have been hurt and I had ample reason for the fears that were there, but I let them start to hold too much power over me. That was my failing and something I deeply regret...it has led to a lot of pain for several people. There is a quote that I love:
A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.

Well, no more. I know who I am. I know what is and was true for me. I am secure in that. But I will also be the first to admit that I have a lot of cracks in my heart that need fixing...pieces that need to be rediscovered and holes to be fixed. I know that everyone here has, at one time or another, been in the same spot. There is no doubt in my mind that I can do it, but it will take time. There is no fear in my heart though...I know what is right for me and I know the path I need to follow.

I'm not saying that I'm leaving here or that I'm going to stop blogging...just that I may be blogging less. I know that you all understand. You have all touched my life and made a difference in your own way. Thank you beyond words for that. I love you.

GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11240 posts
3/2/2006 4:13 am

Thank you for sharing this


rm_1hotwahine 63F
21091 posts
3/2/2006 6:56 pm

It's like when Glinda told Dorothy that she had the powers all along.

Epiphanies are funny things. As crystal clear as they are in the moment, they sometimes cloud up again later. But if that happens, it'll only be temporary. You now know what you know. And that can't get "unknown" again, lol.

Babe, you are light years ahead of many. I wish you the best.

(You know where to find me)

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


bardicman 50M

3/3/2006 3:48 pm

Hmmm, I am happy you are back home safe. I am VERY happy that you have finally come to realize something I have known about you for awhile now.

If you ever need someone to remind you of the fact that you are you and you are special you hopefuly still have my number.



I am not dead yet


carebearluv2 42F

3/3/2006 8:51 pm

When you stated: "I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the way, I let the opinions and thoughts of other people rule my vision of how I see myself. Yes, I have been hurt and I had ample reason for the fears that were there, but I let them start to hold too much power over me. That was my failing and something I deeply regret...it has led to a lot of pain for several people...."

It was like I was reading my own thoughts. Thanks for sharing this and for letting me know, undeliberately, that I am not alone in my journey. We love you too!


curious082385 31F
4925 posts
3/4/2006 6:01 am

GOTD - You're welcome. Thank you as well for all your advice.

amannotachild - Is it that love reveals mirrors or that it is, in itself, a mirror?

wahine - It's exactly that like...good pick of movie analogy, btw. It's inside you all the time, you just have to open your eyes and believe.

bard - Yes, home safe, happy and satisfied. And yes I do.

carebear - I love it when that happens...finding something on someone elses blog that resonates for me and helps my own thoughts be a little clearer. Glad I could help if only a little. And no, you are not alone on your journey.


rm_corezon 53F
3376 posts
3/8/2006 10:55 pm

I thought about you every day I logged on while you were in Pittsburgh, hoping that you were enjoying yourself and things were working out for your good. I'm glad that you feel more grounded...I don't know a better way to put it.

For me too writing is always a revelation, it's as though my right brain is finally allowed to speak and let my left brain know what's going on.

Thinking about you still, hugs, you know we will still love you even if you do start blogging less and living more. We are all finding our own paths, I think.


elysianpleasure 47M

3/9/2006 6:58 am

Where's waldo? Elysian


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