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Second Impressions
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May 19, 2012 6:48 am
286 Views
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Lets face it, I am a second impression guy, in a first impression world. I am not a hunk. I am not someone who interesting and whitty conversations come to easily on a first meeting. I have never been the life of a party full of strangers. I am painfully average and shy. No, I am not ugly, not heavy... I am... unmemorable to the casual observer. I have just never stood out in the crowd. People don't remember my name or even my face the first time we meet. I have had professors who after a semester don't remember I am in their class. I only receive notice with the time spent to look a little deeper.
I am not complaining. I have come to see this in a strange way as a gift. The friendships I make tend to be deep, the loves last long. The puppy love crushes that are built on superficials characteristics are few. In my career, I am often underestimated usually to my advantage.... and in the end... I have survived because there is time to make second impressions.
Those who seek eye candy or shallow lines quickly move on. Leaving only those willing to look deeper. Fortunately, many have. They have had the patience with me to get past my shyness. To talk to me while I become comfortable with them. They have looked into my blue eyes and seen the emotions that are sometime hard to read on my face.
Its not so bad being a second impression guy, in an first impression world.
1. So are you someone who leaves a lasting first impression?
2. Do you tend to get to know people slowly or quickly?
3. Are the impressions lasting... or fading?
(I have some catching up on comments to do... sorry... busy week. I will get to it this week and go visit some of my favorite blogs).
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8
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Anyone miss me?
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May 17, 2012 7:37 pm
415 Views
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Been a hectic week. Another week on the road. Cancelled a trip to Europe next two weeks. Told my boss to send someone else. I can't be away other than weekends 5 weeks in a row with my family situation. You have to keep your priorities straight in life. Easy to get caught up in work and all the craziness of life and lose site of what is most important. If you can put food on your table and a roof over your head.... then you have to make sure the need for more doesn't cause you to lose site of what you have.
So anyone miss? Got your priorities straight?
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13
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Screaming in the Void
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May 13, 2012 7:40 am
838 Views
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We all have are own reasons for writing here. Sometimes it is to entertain others. Sometimes it is to meet people and feel part of a community. And sometimes, with a post like this we are writing for ourselves. My first blog on this sight was called "screaming in the void". I had a lot to get out of my head. I didn't know anyone here... But somehow just screaming, and crying, confessing my sins, declaring my desire here... To nameless faceless others provided a therapy and an outlet that I did not get leaving it my own head. And so here I am once again... Screaming... Even if the void is not as void as it once was....
Mothers day is a rough day in my family. I wrote a week ago about my own mother and if you are looking for the uplifting happy mother's day post I will refer you there. This is not that post. When my children were younger we would make cards for their mother... My wife. We would go buy flowers. Get up and make her breakfast in bed. It all seems so normal back then.
This morning I had to urge them to acknowledge the day at all. My boy asked me why he had to pretend. My daughter who is younger and made her mother a card wanted to rip it to pieces. I drove them to church trying to explain to them the power of forgiveness... Telling them they didn't have to be victims.... But had control not only to fight back but also to do so in a respectful manner. Not even for the one they had to forgive but for there own souls.
We went to church and the minister for the day preached a sermon about Gods love being like the love of a mother. He talked about how we become the person that our parents see us as... If our parents love us and see our potential... We grow up strong and live to that potential. And if our parents expect little us of us, we come to expect little of ourselves. I listened in horror. Knowing the point he was making was about God's love and expectation of us and living up to that. I knew my children heard the words differently. It was confirmed when my son leaned over to me and whispered in my ear..."guess I am screwed dad." His tone joking... But his words... His heart biting.
The sad truth is their mother loves them. She is a good person in so many ways. Smart as hell. Beautiful... I still habe no idea why i won her heart back in then. And yet all of the good... The fussing... The worrying and caring she truly does for them is destroyed by her controlling nature. Her temper. Her inability to forgive even the smallest mistake. Her daemons... And at times her insanity.
She is a victim of severe abuse as a child... Not just emotional but physical. In her mind they have it too soft... She does not beat them for tracking mud in the house. She does not lock them outside without a jacket in the winter because they dropped the bottle of milk carrying it home from the store. There is only so much you can explain to children. They don't really care that their mother loves them if they do not feel loved.
I know that I am their salvation.... And at the same time I compound the problem. For a long time i was a enabler in my attempts to keep the peace... To keep the illusion of a family. There is an inconsistency in the behavior that creates even greater tension. If both parents set the same extreme rules is likely easier to one who is very tolerant and the other extremely rigid. We are separated.... An,d yet she is still a constant in their lives. Something I do not want to deprive from either the children or their mother. Their is good there... There truly is. But they are so young they can not understand the depression. They cannot understand the extremes of her personality. I see too much of my son in her... It scares me. My BF kids both want marriage and children. Mine say they will never marry... Never reproduce. They love me. But truth be told, they blame me maybe more than her. They know what she is... But they expect better from me. Why.....? Why did you not save us sooner? Why not more fully? I really have no answer....
So if there is a message to you mothers out there. For those of you who love your children, who stay calm with them and guide them with kindness.... I know how hard it can be. But you cannot truly appreciate how important you are to your children's lives and how much I appreciate you. And for you that suffer from depression, alcoholism, who scream at your kids for the small things... And let it linger and remind them of their faults far more than their gifts.... Your children are not the problem. Get help. Get your children out of that environment... Away from you until you can fix yourself. I know you love your children. And love sometimes is not easy. Sometimes for love we must let go and get help.
No comments needed.... As I said this post was for me. I am just screaming in the void... And hoping I might listen.
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13
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Happy Mother's Day
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May 12, 2012 11:18 pm
856 Views
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To all the beautiful ladies out there....
happy Mother's Day....
A box of flowers and flowers for each of you as a little thanks to you.
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7
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Wanting
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May 12, 2012 6:29 am
921 Views
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The truth is Cuppedia lives a life often similar to a celibate monk. I only see my best friend maybe once a month to two months because of our distant lives. Seldom do I get an extending stay with her that last more than a day. But strangely you get used to it... I am not saying I don't still have desire but you get used to being a monk.
It was a great few days with her... and my body has been soar in a great way since she left. But I tell you... it has been a rough morning. The wanting feeling. It feels like withdrawal from an addiction. A constant craving. Her taste, her smell still deep within my senses reminding me of this want. The feeling of waking up with her still beside me in the morning. It is getting hard (no pun intended you sick puppies) to be alone without that in my life. It is a choice... one that I started not really thinking I had chosen to wait for her, but as I wrote the other day it has become a very deliberate one. And it sucks!!!!! LOL. I think the waiting... makes our times together far more intense. Sometimes I feel guilty because our moments together seem dominated by sex. Which is funny... because pretty much every day between the times we see each other we just talk and seldom about sex.
It is pretty common that if you are in a regular relationship after a while you start to take your sexual relationship for granted. It falls into a routine. But right now, I just want her here with me... and I am not just referring to talking. I feel her right now... and I miss her body in a very primal way.
Have you been in a relationship that went kind of routine where you started to take the sex for granted?
What is the longest time you have waited for someone? Did the waiting make the sex better.
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14
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TGIF ...not my best day...
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May 11, 2012 5:16 pm
1065 Views
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So not my most brilliant moment. I am sitting at the airport trying to get home after missing my flight. I did something I have not done since I was a teen. I ran out of gas on the way to the airport... Had to walk a mile to get gas and then back. By the time I did that my flight was gone. Now I won't make it home until the kids are asleep  . All my fault. Just so much rushing around I had a total mental lapse and the rental car didn't seem to do anything to alert me other than I should have noticed the gauge. I just hope it isn't the start of premature senility... 
3 straight weeks on the road. One more and then I think I get a few weeks off to stay home with my family. TGIF... I miss the kids and really want a few days home.
This weekend.... Advengers Movie, probably a night out for dinner, dog walks, maybe some biking.... Nothing to crazy.
How about you? Any good plans?
When is the last time you ran out of gas?
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26
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Coffee and Cream
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May 10, 2012 8:17 pm
1126 Views
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I had two really great days!!!!! Work sucked... but... my BF got some time with me.
For my birthday... my best friend knew exactly what I wanted... HER!!!! And a bit of creativity on her part. She showed up at my door with a hot cup of coffee... a bag that contained a can of whip cream... a sexy outfit... and an aggressive attitude. So you pervs I am sure immediately understood the whip cream... but the entire coffee thing was knew to me. WOW!!!!! I have never felt that feeling of a extra hot mouth on sensitive parts of my body...
Oh... and I took my first ever sip of coffee so I could help... ummm return the favor.
Have you ever used coffee as an erotic aid?
So what other simple sexy tips do you have for me like that? I need to return the favor with something of my own.
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15
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Ugggghhhh This Site Frustrates me some days!!!!
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May 8, 2012 11:16 pm
1388 Views
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My last two posts showed no comments after 24 hours until tonight when I looked at them. One dud post that no one wanted to comment on... I can take. I hid it in shame. Two and I was ready to give up my blog and rejoin the monistary remaining in silence and enjoying a daily flogging to help stop my lustful desires for the women who visit my blog.
Now there is suddenly 11 comments on each.... Including the one I hid.
Rrrrrrrrrrrr.....not nice Adult FriendFinder grimlins... Not nice.
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14
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Surprises!!!!
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May 7, 2012 8:59 pm
1546 Views
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Just found I get to see my BF on Wednesday.... she surprised me tonight by calling me to tell she would come see me on my business trip this week for a day or two. I never got to see her for my Birthday a few weeks back... And she told ne she wanted to surprise me and bring me my gift.
I am so excited.... Lol. What do you think my gift might be? Do you like surprises? I know what I am hoping for... Lol.
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23
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Sex Games
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May 7, 2012 6:46 pm
1431 Views
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When I was a kid we would often drive across country for our summer vacations. It was in the days before iPods and TV Screens in a car and we had to entertain ourselves with many different games. Trying to spy first license plates from all 48 states (lol... ok I am not quite that old). I would make up songs. We would sing 9,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall. And one of my favorite games was this game in which we would go around in a circle naming a band we liked. The next person had to name a band whose name started with the last letter of the previous band name.
Ok... this may be a stupid idea. But I am sitting in a resturant on a business trip here board out of my mind. And lets face it my last few posts have involved way too many brain cells. So I was hoping you might play with me. Instead of the names of bands.... lets try "sex stuff"... positions, toys, techniques, body parts... lets you pervy mind roam.
Now Adult FriendFinder will present us with one little challenge... which is that their is this unpredictable delay between the time you leave a comment and it shows up. But we will not be detered by this. Just take whoever commented before you that you can see... and use their word. If you are the first here... you can start with my word. I will also throw in one more rule... if the persons word end in "E" (which many words do playing in my head here thinking about this) it is a wildcard and you can pick any letter you want to start the next round.
Ok... impress me people. What kinky words can you come up with that start with Y... or X... or J... I have my dictionary handy and am ready to google to learn from you. To make this educational... if it isn't obvious... give us a definition.
I will start with the word...
Foreplay
Definition: sexual stimulation either mental or physical that proceeds sexual intercourse.
Your turn....
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20
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Young Love
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May 6, 2012 6:50 pm
1842 Views
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I read a post today about a young couple who were saying goodbye even though they clearly cared about each other. Both thinking of the other. Not wanting to hold each other back as one had more to experience in school. The other had to pursue a career. It reminded me of my youth. When we are young... we lack the perspective of time.
Now if you have read my blog you have heard about my best friend. Long ago my BF was my first serious girl friend. She was the first love of my life although she never heard the words that I love her until some 20 years later. We went to high school and were friends and dated off an one during that time. We were in different places and so that always kept the relationship from getting too serious. Kept us from saying too many mushy things. We both dated a lot of other people, but there was always this kind of thought that when school was over and we were back home and closer we would likely get serious and end up together.
That was until my Junior year in college, when I met, lets call her Sara. Now Sara was a freshman and we met the week before classes started during her Freshman orientation. Truth is, I wasn't that interested in her at first. She wasn't my type. Boyish looking with extremely short hair. I spent most of the night trying to pick up her friend who was the "hottest" girl on campus. But she saw something in me more than just being a jerk and patiently talked to me and laughed at me while I finally figured out her friend had no interest in me (largely because she had apparently struck a deal I later learned and claimed me at the start of the party). So we started talking. Just talking. I still wasn't taking her serious as someone I wanted to be with... but the conversation just flowed... and when the sun rose in the morning we were still just talking. I walked her back to her dorm and we kissed just a innocent good morning kiss. And that was it. It was like an infection. It crept up on me. But I couldn't get this girl out of my head. And for the next 2 1/2 years she became the one. My BF... drifted away from me... and to this day... she hasn't gotten over Sara. She will still make a cutting joke about her... she calls her "bony girl". It is one of the items that I think still keeps us a little apart. She knows that while I love her... I loved Sara more. That Sara had interrupted her plans for me.
I just can't describe my relationship with Sara and what it was about her. She was just different. I can say all the attributes... she was smart, and funny, and I knew she truly loved me... she was the first girl I dated who was kinky... and she was adventurous. God I loved that girl. And I know she was never beautiful... she was beautiful to me. She became like Oxygen in my life. I couldn't imagine a day without her. But then I graduated. I knew she was the one. I knew it. But I was young... and she wasn't even out of school yet. So it just seemed silly to say what I knew. So I didn't. I played it cool. I had told her I loved her... but not that I loved her and wanted to spend my life with her. I was 22 years old... what did I know about my life at all. I had this great opportunity back at home in NY. Now we tried to make it work. But I left her with a bunch of doubt about where my heart was. And she got anxious and felt lost without me. I encouraged her to date... because I thought that was what she needed. I thought it was the noble thing to do vs sitting around waiting for me. Maybe I even was protecting myself a bit because I figured she would anyway... so why not be cool about it. I was giving but stupid. Because I should have asked her to marry me. I should have said... date if you want... but I want you to know that you are the one for me. And when you graduate if you still want me I will be waiting. The distance, the doubt... things just got funky. There was emotion and anger... and I was no longer a dorm away, or more likely right next to her so she could look in my eyes and see my heart. She got caught up in a bad crowd her junior year. Drugs... then random sex... then we would make up. But I was hurt and wounded and said stupid stuff. I didnt know how to let it go. Angry one minute... then the next I finally asked her to marry me... but the timing was wrong. I was too late. It would work for a few weeks... and then it would fall apart again. For over a year this went on until we couldn't spend 2 minutes talking without fighting. She finally told me to stop calling and go away. I stopped eating and sleeping. I was a mess.
Her senior year I got a call from her. She asked me to come out for her spring break. Without hesitation I did. And it just fit. We had this amazing week together. At the end of the week she told me she loved me. She had always loved me but she was so scared of losing me and not holding me back and then she felt lost without me. I told her it wasn't too late. That once she graduated we would work out being together and I still wanted to marry her. She said, "no". Instead she told me "goodbye". It was too late... and there was something she had to do. No there wasn't anyone else, but she wouldn't be seeing me for a while. It turns out she had been diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. A few months later she was gone. She had said goodbye that weekend because again she had decided she didn't want me to go through that with her but she wanted to make peace with me and make sure I knew she loved me. I was angry... very angry. For years. Angry at her. Angry at me. Destructive relationships... then compromising relationships. Some 20+ years since she is gone... and I have never felt that again. I have tears in my eyes after all of this time thinking about it. A frequent question that pops in the blogs is "who other than your parents was the most influential person in your life"... for me it was Sara. I could write an entire blog to try and explain why.
I see glimpses of it in my BF... I truly love her... but Sara had a adventurous soul that I have never experienced again. But that is an entirely different post and discussion. So lets not go there on this one.
So what is the point of this story? Don't dismiss young and first love as necessarily fleeting and not to be the one. My BF not long ago... told me that her daughter was now starting to date. And she was tempted to tell her not to worry to much about her first love... because first loves tend to be fleeting and youthful. But she stopped... and she thought of me. And she realized that I was her first love, for her the "one"... and some 20 years later... dozens of guys... a marriage... children... I was still the one. That I had set the standard for the guys who followed, because of how I treated and respected for her. Because of the connection and the communications. And all these years later... I have never really done better than the two women who knew me when I knew nothing. Now I know many people marry too young. You can meet the wrong person as easily as the right person. But don't dismiss that the first... may just have been the best... and the one. There is something about discovering together and having all of these memories together than bond us deeply. Even now my BF and I have a special understand about things. Even about Sara. She knows all about her... and how she effected my life. It is something we share that really no one in my life understands but her.
Did you have a young love that you still think of and wonder about?
Was one of your earliest relationships one of your best?
Come on... don't be silent. I just spilled my guts out here... tell me a little about your early love.
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23
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What I should have said for mother's day
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May 5, 2012 8:26 pm
1858 Views
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This is a bit early, but I was out buying a card for mom today... and decided I would repost something from my old blog about 5 or 6 years ago...
I look up to my father. He is truly a great man. Someone whose shadow is hard to be measured to. He was a true civil rights leader, a pillar of our community, a academic, an author, with Ivy league credentials. And while he never earned much, like the hero of a "Wonderful Life" he was a rich man. His retirement diner filled the largest ballroom in the town where we lived with more dignitaries than I am likely to ever know.
I know your thinking... Cuppedia.. you are confused. Its not father's day until June. ...Hold on a second, while I get to my point. Jeez, you folks are impatient. See while my dad was out doing all of this great and important stuff... getting all this credit... he wasn't exactly spending alot of time with the family or raising me. Yeah, he would make the occasional little league baseball game to watch me strike out. The occasional high school wrestling match to watch me get pinned. The occasional soccer game to watch me at goal keep dive miss the critical save of the match... (There was a pattern when he showed up we still laugh about. I was actually a good athlete but he seemed to only capture my worst moments). But again I digress. See I was raised by my mother. In fact until I was in my 20s I was pretty angry with my father. I loved him. I was proud of him. But the great fucking man... was never home.
At home there was my mother. She gave her life in dedication to one thing, her family. She was a bright women but left college instead of becoming a doctor to marry my father and help him pursue his dreams. A task she did unfailingly for 40+ years now. It was the way of her age. We were her career. It was not an easy task. I never detected any sense of regret for the choice she made to be home with us.
My older brother was born mentally retarded (sorry... politically incorrect... mentally handicapped) with significant health issues that have been with him his whole life. He is now in his 40s, still at home. Her job unfinished. At a time there were little to no rights for people with special needs my mother was a leader in the movement to provide public educational services and community services to the handicapped. A stubborn... at times even obnoxious women... she put her talents to great use in this. A cause that never got much attention given at the time many families hid their handicapped children. She and women like her changed the conditions for millions of families in this country with special needs children now. While she never made it to medical school she learned everything possible about my brothers conditions keeping him alive and healthy decades after they told us he would be gone. Many a doctor in my life would tell me my mother knew more about medications and treatments for his conditions than most physicians. My father could never really handle things when they got bad with him. My mother, never for a moment left his side.
I was raised with a constant knowledge I was loved and special that formed who I was. While I was spanked... the most harsh punishments were always given to me through logic. One of my friends and I got an engravers tool, and decided it would be fun to engrave the work "FUCK" into every piece of change we could find and pass them off when we bought stuff. If you ever find a FUCK coin... let me know  When my mother found out, I expected a good smacking. Instead she sat me down... and just made me think, and feel guilty... the lesson was much harsher than any spanking. "Do you know what the word means?" "Do you think that might offend people?", "Is it nice to offend people, does that make you happy?", "Do you know what you have done will hurt alot of people's feelings?". "I love you, Cuppedia, but right now I am ashamed of you... you are much better than this." Then she left me to sit there and think about it. Gawd... pure evil!!!!! I was a child.. who ummm... got into trouble... a little. But when my friends got into drugs, some went to jail, one even for murder... Cuppedia stayed in school and kept it together. The difference, was parents. And by parents I mean my mother. I knew right from wrong, good choices from bad choices... and she instilled in me the plague I have to this day of thinking about things and having a conscience.
People look at me and see my dad. They look at how smart I am, my views on life, and think that it is all my dad. It is to him I am compared in the community I grew up in. But the reality is, my soul, my compassion, my way of thinking all come from my mother. She was the one who held us when we were sick. She is the one who would send me to my uncles farm during the summer... so that I would feel "special" and "get extra attention" too... given all that was done for my brother given his needs. And when I did wrong, she would hold me accountable... unless some poor soul compared me to my father. "I can't believe Cuppedia would do that given his father is....", the teacher said. She should have stopped right before that and I would have gotten an ass whoppin'. "What?", my mother said. "Cuppedia is his own person, he is not his father. Right or wrong he makes his own choices.". No teacher made that mistake twice. Cuppedia was accountable to himself. He was not the shadow of anyone. He was expected to be a good son, a good man, but always his own man.
So my mother will never see this post. (6 years later she has not). She wouldn't approve of me being here. (That would be one serious ass whopin'). I can only imagine the logic session and guilt trip I would get if she found out I was on a sex site. I won't print it and send it to her. We were never hugy. I can't remember the last time I gave my mom a kiss. But she knows. And one day I will get the courage to just make sure and say it out loud. "I love you mom." To which I know she would simply, "I know Cuppedia, I love you too."
There is no need to comment... struggled to write this really. And in the end I wrote it for me. But thank you all just the same.
Now... while I never did show my mother this post... I did sit down with her one night and told her the heart of all of this.
So to all you mothers out there... the good ones who love their children and devote their lives to them. Thank you. Good sons are the products of great mothers.
Oh... and guys... if you haven't bought a card yet or flowers. Get off your ass. You only have a week left.
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16
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To link to this blog (cuppedia) use [blog cuppedia] in your messages.
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