IV abandon  

cuddleboy69 49M
70 posts
8/2/2005 7:47 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

IV abandon

One of the feelings I deal with is the fear of abandonment.

I have a very strong memory of being picked up late by my mother, when I was young. I used to go to a track club when I was about 6 or 7 and my mom would drop me off and always pick me up late. I would always be the last person to be picked up. I have three very specific memories about it. Once I remember waiting alone by the door and the second last person was leaving and asked me, "isn't someone going to pick you up?"
Another time one of the mothers waited with me until my mom finally showed up, and sort of gave my mom a concerned look. My mom was ever so slightly embarrassed I think. The third time a mom (probably the same one) gave me a ride home and my mom was still at home and hadn't left to pick me up yet. I remember not feeling so good to be left there and not picked up. I think I felt abandoned. It was so long ago that it's very hard to remember what actually happened and how I actually felt. Shortly after that I descided to quit track. Of course my father's reaction to that was that I don't stick with anything and don't do what I'm told. My father was pretty serious, I think he expected 7 year olds to have their life on track (pun) already.

There are other stories like this, but this one is pretty typical of the way I was brought up. I've talked to my mom about it recently and she says that I didn't need as much attention as my brother and sister since I was more well adjusted. (WTF with that?)

How has this affected the way I am today?
One thing I notice is that I'm reasonably anal about showing up on time. I really like to be on time for meetings and usually show up 5 minutes early. I need to FORCE myself to show up a few minutes late for parties. (Ok this summer I actually showed up over an hour late for a party! and I didn't realize it was a dinner party! OOPS!). I always hate it when other people show up late especially if it's more than 5 minutes, however I will tend to wait for a very long time when people are late, sometimes hours. I have tried to set a better boundary on this. My love (see the post from March 4) once told me that after she waits 15 minutes she will leave, I think that's a bit short but I do have a better limits now.
Another thing is that I fear being abandoned in relationships. This usually is most intense when I start to care more about the relationship, it doesn't have to be that I'm falling in love or anything like that, just that it's something I care about. It can happen with men or women, but of course it's most intense with a woman I have romantic feelings for. I feel like I'm getting better at dealing with this, I tend to be aware of these feelings arising in me and that helps.
Earlier in my life it could sometimes cause things to spiral out of control and destroy relationships.

PHEW! That was good for me, how was it for you? .

rm_EE407 41F
3903 posts
8/3/2005 1:35 pm

That was indeed good for me too.. I recognize quite a lot of that...

cuddleboy69 49M

8/4/2005 8:59 am

EE407 I'm glad it was good for you, thanks for the comment

cuddleboy69 49M

8/4/2005 9:10 am


Interesting. I'm actually very independent, but at the same time I try to avoid conflict, probably way too much. (Hmm but at the same time I tend to argue alot). So besides the fact that it was probably a two hour walk home (I guess more for a child), my mom would have been very non plused if I would have disappeared.

I never actually saw a connection between my mom not picking me up and me quitting so perhaps it's not accurate to include one here. My mom always sees the story of my quitting as a way I showed my independence.


rm_jayR63 59F
1884 posts
8/4/2005 7:32 pm

my mother forgot me in the dime store once.
I was a quiet child and could occupy myself quite easily without being clingy (still that way) so I could see how this could happen

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