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Recently I had what might be called a big failure. I was applying for a better job and didn't get it. I feel a mix of emotions about it. I feel bad and ashamed but I also feel a bit relieved. I think my public mask has been damaged and I don't know how to face other people, but I'm also a bit happy not to have the extra pressure that the position would have brought with it.
I had a meeting yesterday and sat beside someone who had that type of position. During the meeting I noticed her pulling on her fingers she seemed very nervous and stressed to me.
I don't know why we want to push ourselves beyond what we want, I can feel it, my surroundings sometimes wanting me to want what I don't want.