Friends With Benefits? Does It Happen?  

cuckolddesires 46F
51 posts
6/2/2005 7:16 pm

Last Read:
5/2/2007 7:27 am

Friends With Benefits? Does It Happen?

So it has been about six months now that I have been "seeing" other men outside my marriage. It certainly has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and experiences. After getting through the first few new men... just one night stands... where I really just wanted to go out and get fucked by anybody other than my husband, I realized that I really needed to sit down and figure out what I was looking for. Just any guy with a dick wasn't going to do it.

First I thought maybe I needed a younger "boy toy" guy to make me feel young again. Well that wasn't working... would you believe we got into the hotel room and he just laid on the bed and turned on the TV? Could you show a little initiative here?! This actually happened twice... with two different guys!

So maybe I wanted some romance... also not the right way for me to go. I ended up with a couple of guys practically stalking me. Nope... I am not cut out to be someone's exclusive girlfriend.

So I finally settled in with just a couple regular guys off of AdultFriendFinder. They were cute and fun and it was exciting to go out and meet them just for a quick (or not so quick) fuck. But something is still missing... where is the "connection"?

I've just realized the problem. I have a couple regular "fuck buddies", which certainly has its merits, but what I am really looking for is "Friends With Benefits". The benefits are the easy part but why can't I seem to find the friends?

OK, so there are some obstacles. I am married and even though my husband knows about my encounters I don't think my neighbors and all of my soccer-mom friends need to know. So when you are dealing with discretion issues you can't really take your new "friend" out to the local restaurants and bars, where you might run into someone you know. So you end up going to some remote spot, probably in or near a hotel, and there just doesn't seem to be a whole lot of friendship developing. You both just drove all that way so you end up just getting down to business (all be it pleasurable business.)

Maybe it is a problem with meeting someone through AdultFriendFinder? They're looking for sex, you're looking for sex, so that is what you get. You don't spend the time developing a friendship with someone when you already know where it going to lead.

Am I the only one that thinks it could be so much better if you could just "connect" with someone a little bit. I am not talking about love here.. just some common interests, some kind words, some laughs, some fun outside the bedroom? The flirting, the teasing, the anticipation of what's to come?

I'll admit that I love the idea of being so overcome with uncontrollable lust as soon as I see a guy that he pushes me against the wall wherever we might be and takes me standing up. But that doesn't seem to be happening here either... and all that lust burns out too quickly and leaves you with nothing but a sore pussy for a couple of days.

So how does one find a "friend with benefits"? Someone let me know.

CrazyCoolBiFem 39F
53 posts
6/2/2005 9:30 pm

Simpky do not sleep with them right of the bat~ make sure they are going to be someone you can be friends with then take it to the next level~ also make sure from the start that you are completely not interested in anything more than friend with benefits~ Good day to you. Smiles


Branden1000 52M

6/3/2005 2:01 am

Hiya married,searching and horny. Well i'm that guy that if you read my profile wants from a woman what your looking for in a man.Problem as i see it MARRIED. What you desire is the easy fun of dating,knowing that although you are wanting sex there are day to day trivia and conversations that you want to share that builds mutual respect and interest and this takes time. Public diplays of affection and interest from a man to a woman play more of an important role to the womans sensuous side.This is what causes you to feel ya great another orgasam but where is the he makes me feel gorgeous(which by your picture you are). Intimacy is friendship and takes time.
P.S. I promise to pull the plug on any tv near you xx

rm_just4u69u2 53M
3 posts
6/3/2005 6:22 am

unreal, i am married seeking someone with passion for discreet sex and can't find, airheads,women looking for daddy for their kids,or just plain crazy. all i want is hot passionate woman who loves to moan oraly & cares about being pleased sexually & mentally--any like you out there--lol

opensource2k4 37M

6/3/2005 6:57 am

friends with benefits is TOTALLY possible, i think you've just been finding the wrong guys. you need to find someone young who's still got ENERGY, rather than guys just looking to get off. i'm sure you could find fun things to do even in those remote places near a hotel. there's always a place to take a walk, run around the parkinglot, or even just find a place to sit down outside and talk. i agree, flirtation is the best part of the fun, so keep things out of the bedroom until you're ready to explode!

rm_dad6140 55M
9 posts
6/3/2005 6:59 am

I have had several friends with benefits over the years, each experience has been unique on its own. The only downfalls I have had is that on 2 different occasions, with 2 different women, they started getting the urge to go beyond friendship. Unfortunatly that ended the friends with benefits scene. 1 lady lasted for 7 years, then she decided she wanted more than she could have. The second lady lasted 3 years, then started talking about leaving her husband and her an I having kids. WOW, it was just 2 much. But good luck in your search, and I hope you are fortunate enough to have good experiences as I had. The y have been been 4 others besides those 2, just thought those 2 deserved honorable mention.

tdlove69 70M
5 posts
6/3/2005 7:12 am

In this win some and will lose some.

One experience of mine....lead to a 14 year affair...for some of it, we were both married and then only she was married. But, we evolved from a "fuck each other brains out"...too where as; she would call me too merely talk about some of her issues, to hook up and make a short trip together. We even spent a week in Hilton Head together. It became a thing of friendship of sort. She became quite angry and upset ...when I decided to get remarried again (you go figure). So I have given her ...her space for now. I do miss my friend.

There are some of us around. We just have to be ...sort out.

Ciao! and Good Luck.

rm_indophilist 36M

6/3/2005 7:22 am

I have to agree with the adjacent post: 'BiFem.
I'm fairly new to this site and keep seeing the phrase
"friend with benefits". In my somewhat cynical mind I
initially interpreted this as euphemistic for a 'friend' willing to lavish money on 'you' or just a well-to-do friend.
But from your post I believe it's just another way of
saying "fuck buddy" ie benefit=sex. Is that correct?
You've "safely" ensconced both phrases in quotation marks.
Sorry if I'm a bit naiive (and at my age--shame on me), but there
is no dictionary that I know of for swingers parlance.
In fact I don't even know what Lol stands for--as it is used in
so many different contexts.

DBolt69 46M
18 posts
6/3/2005 7:46 am

CrazyCool makes a good point, but something that I have noted in the last few years, is that it is harder to make friends as you get into your thirties. As an adult, you already have a worldview and a system of values and ideals. It is hard to meet people that are compatible with your philosophies. I am not saying that your friends all share your views, but you at least have some common ground. That is what you may be missing - shared (or at least similar) life experiences. It is difficult to base a friendship off of sex alone. I do, however wish you luck in your search for "friends with benefits".

KiLoGraM13 38M

6/3/2005 8:20 am


si je pourrais ĂȘtre votre playa toy boy j'en serais ravi

au plaisir

1586 posts
6/3/2005 6:29 pm

If its any consolation, I have had two pretty good FWB relationships.

Both started online due to my particular set of circumstances. (I can't exactly share this aspect of my life with my friends and neighbors and go "public" in my search for playmates. LO

In both cases, we really started out as online chat buddies and kept in regular touch. Then when we eventually met, we hung out as "friends only" to see if what we thought was online chemistry translated to real life. I was a lucky girl.

This wasn't something that happened in a hurry and there were a couple situations that were non-starters in between my FWB relationships. (I also had the boy-toy television episode, by the way. Maybe it was the same guy. LO

Why am I here now? FWB Number One started indulging in some risky sexual behavior that freaked me out. FWB Number Two got deployed. Talk about putting a damper on things. LOL

I don't have a doubt that you'll find what you're looking for. If I can, anyone can.

gooddancer1970 46M
1 post
6/5/2005 3:26 pm

I read your profile and your blog, both great. Here's an idea, wouldn’t it be fun to be friends with the goal of chronicling a sexual relationship and creating a journal on here. Role-playing through some wild times. For example starting a blog where we could invite people to come up with an idea and we would live it out. The ultimate in foreplay style friends, a dare us if you want page. So after we live it out we can then write about it. Just an idea. Let me know what you think

rm_Badger615 55M
1 post
6/19/2005 9:11 pm

"Friend" comes before "benefits." Go for the connection first.

I know it goes a bit against the driving force behind this site, but if the other person isn't willing to honor the friendship, it's not what you want.

rm_CCLordDamien 40M/38F
77 posts
7/28/2005 3:23 am

All i have are friends with bennifits. i'm an emotional kind of person, so i don't tend to make close friendships unless they're the kind of person i'm willing to share a bed with. As for my neighbors and co-workers.... try having an intimate relationship outside your mairage when you live with your mother... (hey, i'm taking care of her, making sure the bills and such get paid even when she forgets. we fight to much for me to be a mommas boy, it's just the situation). Even with my wife's knowledge and participation, it's difficult, and in our circle of friends, a hotel is out of the question. no one can afford it. so for us, its usually at "their" house, or someplace sinfully romantic and extremely cheap, like the beach (I have a suburban with limo tint in the back, you'd be amazed at how comfortable it is even with 4 in it.)

But, over all, i'd have to say that Badger615 is right. Don't look for friends with benefits, look for friends, the rest will happen, or it won't, but if it don't, you still have the friendship.

finners 41M/F
3 posts
8/22/2005 12:53 pm

cuckold at least your meeting people from AdultFriendFinder,i find a lot of people are not interested in meeting and are only in the site for a thrill,what are we doing wrong.look at our profile and try something new with us........

jakblack36 48M

8/30/2005 9:34 am

Been there and done that. I state on my profile I don't want to deal with married women. Why you ask because just like you they don't know what they want. I never figured this was going to be so complicated. I want what you want...WE ALL DO! Friends with benefits but when a partner is married there is ALWAYS a hassle. They can't get away, there is no spontanaity, they are cheating and you hubby is cool with it only to find out he doesn't have a clue. That one is an emotional nightmare! I will only fuck someone who is married if the husband says its ok.

halcyonfire17 44M
7 posts
8/30/2005 6:04 pm

You say that you are looking for a "friend w/ benefits." I think the difficulty lies within the term itself. First and foremost, given the conditions and circumstances, up-front honesty IS extremely important. However, by saying up-front that you are looking for benefits surely precludes any shot at a real friendship with most people. Those people are usually looking for the benefits without the strings. This usually equates to a lesser degree of consideration and respect when it comes to things like being discreet unless those persons are in similar circumstance to yours. I think that a good way to go about it would be to look for the friend first *nods to CrazyCool & Badger* and while developing that friendship look for tangible evidence of a GOOD NATURE; someone who inquires about more than your sexual fantasies or marriage status. As a caveat: be warned that, for many reasons, sharing benefits with a true friend is a far more dangerous thing to mix with a marriage than a one-night-stand.

-peace & luck!

halcyonfire17 44M
7 posts
8/30/2005 6:06 pm

You say that you are looking for a "friend w/ benefits." I think the difficulty lies within the term itself. First and foremost, given the conditions and circumstances, up-front honesty IS extremely important. However, by saying up-front that you are looking for benefits surely precludes any shot at a real friendship with most people. Those people are usually looking for the benefits without the strings. This usually equates (in my experience) to a lesser degree of consideration and respect when it comes to things like being discreet unless those persons are in similar circumstance to yours. I think that a good way to go about it would be to look for the friend first *nods to CrazyCool & Badger* and while developing that friendship look for tangible evidence of a GOOD NATURE; someone who inquires about more than your sexual fantasies or marriage status. As a caveat: be warned that, for many reasons, sharing benefits with a true friend is a far more dangerous thing to mix with a marriage than a one-night-stand.

-peace & luck!

AlfredWelles 32M

9/14/2005 7:30 pm

I read your story and feel compelled to say that I feel sorry that you have not found the passion you have been seeking. I have very little friends, but all are very close. To be quite honest I have look at your profile from a far for a while. I am very attracted to you. Maybe we can have lunch sometime or a cup of coffee. Would at least like to be someone you can talk too, and see where it goes from there.

copyguy13 55

9/21/2005 6:14 am

Friends with benifits is a hard thing to find and if you do find it it is even harder to keep. Most men want one of two things. They either just want to fuck or they want to get clingy. For some reason most men can't just have a good time and move on. We all pretend to have no morals and think we can just go out and fuck and move on. It takes a special mind set to not have any emotion and move past it, especially if it is good sex. For two people to have good sex and be friends is a special deal. Good luck in finding your friends with benifits. If you work at it it will happen.

rm_65goat 41M
1 post
9/21/2005 12:59 pm

You know, This website is funny like that. Friends with benefits, sounds good but can never happen until there is nothing to hide. You must be able to be out with your friend and not care who see you. What you do alone is up to you, nobody else has to know about that.

ExperienceAFF 52M

9/23/2005 1:07 pm

As for a place to meet, IF you and your hubby are comfortable with the entire situation, then possibly, meet and chat at home. Your lover (me for example...LO can spend leisurely time with all and if you decide to play, then indulge. That way, you can be friends, maintain dicretion, no soccer moms are the wiser, and you get to keep your friendship and have your explicit wanton lustful fulfillment

BuckRoger1000 47M

10/21/2005 3:33 pm


rm_eltacubo 41M

10/22/2005 9:51 am

Men that meet ..exclusively to fuck, are usually very desperate, will do it with anyone regardless of physical or mental connection, and leave you feeling unsatisfied in the end.

As cliche as this takes more physical contact to have a completey pleasurable sexual experience. Raw, on the spur of the moment, fucking can be a hot thing, however it usually isn't, as it takes a little time to discover your lovers "hot buttons".

It is also possible to develop a friendship" discreetly. Mainly through casual convo and banter. For this you'd have to find someone thats not desperatly looking to fuck the first thing that says yes. Someone who knows that connection at all levels is important to achieve mind blowing sex. Unfortunately we can't have it all so while you might develop a beautiful sexual and friendship relationship with someone, you might be confined to keeping your "friend" in the closet.

coff3216 40M

11/9/2005 4:31 pm

It sounds like you're looking for that first kiss feeling.. Which is tough to achieve when you go through a sex site, but I think you can find it. Are you attracted to your "regulars"? I think that plays a big part in it all. The first time or the looking forward to seeing someone again can give you that excitement. Sure no strings sex is just that, but you can make it fun outside of the bedroom too.

Letmehaveyou74 42M
1 post
12/8/2005 11:49 am

Well, I sure read your blog, live VERY close by and have an interst in exactly what you are looking for... AdultFriendFinder

MisdoMaterDuped 58M

12/12/2005 2:22 pm

You need to find a guy who wants the same thing...a decent guy with a brain in addition to good looks (see your "Great Person" definition in your profile). Try emailing or chatting just to get to know one another before meeting then meet at a remote location (not a hotel) for lunch and see how things develop from there. BTW, I'd stick to married men who have no interest in leaving their family...they know how to keep things discrete! Send me an email if you want to chat more...

tomy1221 46M

1/7/2006 5:41 am

how u find friend w benefits just look for my baby e mail me i live in wkgn tomyreyd look 4 me i hung out at yahoo

slynketown 36M
2 posts
1/24/2006 2:37 pm

I think you make a very good point - one that has been swimming around in my brain for a few years now. Living in Evanston like you do, I've had a lot of "encounters" with many of the young college girls, and those whom you meet in bars either are too stupid or boring to get the friends part, or totally latch and become almost stalkers. There are very few who wanna talk and meet and have a beer, and maybe meet again, and maybe, well, you get the point. I hope you find what you are looking for - Its out there I'm convinced. Just not sure where yet. If I find it first I'll let ya know where to look

FireControl2nd 43M

2/6/2006 12:48 am

Well, it certainly appears that you've gotten all the wisdom you could ever want or need here. Some more sensible than others to be sure, but I suppose it depends on from which viewpoint or angle you approach the situation. I, personally, would like to find some local people to meet during my short stay here. Good luck in your endeavor to find that ultimate FWB and take care!

swinga00 44M

2/18/2006 6:05 am

YOU ASS!!!!!!! That is exactly what I tried to offer you. I guess you just don't see a good thing when its right in front of you. I love the anticipation, thats the best part.

You and I are from the same damn town, you don't think I know the necessity of discretion? You don't think I can't keep a secret from all my wife's soccer mom friends? Whatsamattu!?

wantawildfuck 49M
1 post
2/22/2006 11:41 am

Hello Cuckolddesires. I can sympathise with you completely. Every woman I have met outside my marriage wants to be the new "girlfriend". I have a hard time getting these women to understand that I already have a woman in my life and what I need is a friend. I find that sex is much better between friends than it is when there is no connection between the parties involved. By the way, I seen your profile and would like you to know that I am interested in meeting you. How can we go about making this happen? I am 38, married, employed and bored. Not to mention I have a VERY high sex drive that my wife can't keep up with! I don't normally do this, but here is my e-address:AdultFriendFinder I hope to hear from you and get to know you a little better. Who knows, maybe we can be friends if nothing else.

wild_sexy_couple 46M/36F

5/11/2006 4:56 pm

Hey there,
As a woman with similar wants and desires I know excactly where your coming from. So instead of finding a guy on here which I did once or twice I found a guy from work who had been hounding me forever and we went on a date. After two dates I told him the real deal between my husband and myself. After 3 months of dating this guy I find myself having actual feelings for him. Now dont get it twisted Im totally in love with my husband and he is the greatest man I have ever met, but he just wasnt born with talent in bed...Thats all nothing more. My "boyfriend" provides everything I need in the romantic sex dept. And then I go home. I was actually caught cheating by my husband but surprisingly he wasnt mad. He said he knew it was a problem he had and knew it was just a matter of time. Since then we've actually incorporated it into our own sex lives and its so much fun. But in answer to your question.... Screw what other people think. If anyone asks tell them hes a friend from school or a friend of your husbands (thats in case they see him leaving your house) Anyway I hope that helps some

rm_nhhotguy4 41M

5/22/2006 8:10 pm

ill be visiting the area soon

CapnRon21 76M

5/24/2006 3:51 pm

For me, it important to develop the friendship relatively soon in the relationship. To do that requires some intentional actions on the part of both. Maybe it can begin (for me has in the past) with e-mail chat and perhaps a phone call or two before meeting. I even prefer a first meeting that we are clear "up front" this is only for coffee or lunch or whatever. Just to get acquianted.

If you do that, then you have the emotion and caring developing which is what sex is all about. Sex is a language, and it is a language we use to express our inner feelings in ways words cannot!

After the first time, both partners decide if they want to "build and develop" the friendship, which will more often than not always, end up communicating more and new feelings through the sexual language!

Gregis4u2 54M
5 posts
6/18/2006 3:06 am

Its all in the attitude. Approaching perspective hotties always leaves room for rejection yet worth the challenge. To become close they must relly be able to stimulate each other mentally. Showing a sincere interst in the others opinion. i truly believe that you can share tenderness and fuck the shit out of her at the same time.
I enjoy having conversations with women. I love to challenge their thought s and ideas..Thats where the whole attraction will begin.


psyfreak12 49M
9 posts
6/22/2006 2:36 pm

Hey lets talk we can become friends and then see what happens. If nothing else we can become friends. I do agree u have to become friends 1st, to find out what each other likes. Then u can make up ur mind on what to do next.

hottgreeneyedguy 48M

7/15/2006 4:49 am

I've found that the best way is to alot of chatting, usually through yahooIM. It's a great way to find alot out about a person before you actually meet them. Build a huge emotional connection first. And to the 2 losers who turned on the TV first, get a clue guys. How rude can you be?!!

ridewithme1961 55M
1 post
7/15/2006 1:44 pm


kubbie1 38M

9/9/2006 8:54 am

Really a tough situation. You want them to be friends but also want the ability to dispose of them when they are done and not feel bad about it. I guess if you want more of a friend than fuck buddy, I suggest you try to make friends first, with a possibility that they might turn into more. They also would be much more understanding that your husband comes first and that they are a diversion. I think you would get a better situation, or more of what you are looking for from something like that as opposed to sex toy.

Sex toys are there for one thing and one thing only. If you want more than that, you need a different route (friends first) to get to your goal.

FWB that I became friends first are still with me and we laugh about old times. Sex toys are usually one night only.

I hope this helps.


akagoldfinger 53M
2 posts
9/30/2006 7:30 am

I think I have a benefit plan for you. It's a the goldfinger premium package. Its available only to you so act fast.

1 post
2/7/2007 12:51 pm

It sounds like we are looking for the same thing. Please send me a message so I can write back and we can see what we have in common.

I'm a 26yr old, asian male, 5'8", 145lbs, from the north shore area of milwaukee,

I look forward to hearing from you soon.


rm_Ilovemusic87 29M

2/15/2007 10:06 am

ok, so i dont know about what you've tried in this friends with benefits, but i think that you gotta do what im doing. i dont just go have sex... i go and do somethin fun... we go downtown and just end up wherever... you get to know the people and find common interest. then you start spending time hanging out and foolin around a bit. after a bit it will just lead up to the benefits part. but you then have to make sure you guys still go out for fun with no sex involved sometimes, or else it will all fall to shit. talk to me, and ill explain it more and maybe become your friend... you know that you dont ONLY need a friend w/ benefits.

rm_dude4u1961 55M
7 posts
3/14/2007 9:12 pm

Hello Cockold,

I am going through blogs to find things of interest, and came across this one. It is almost 2 years old, and you may have heard all the lounge-chair psychology that the people here can muster, and possibly some professional opinions too. But your post struck a nerve, and also the formation of an epiphany. Hopefully this reaches you.

Everything has labels. I this case, the label for what you want is the Friends with Benefits. As with many concepts, they look nice on paper, but don’t always workout in practice. The problem is with the approach. The approach creates the lust and passion first. A near Mrs. Robinson syndrome. And how do you become friends when the passion/the sex comes first.

I can empathize, having been married for many years (no longer so) but also finding important things missing from the marriage. My guess is that you are looking to fill those empty gaps. But how much of that gap is really relationship. It may be a lot, or a little ‒ no one can answer that but you. For me, the best relationships (and affairs ‒ been there), were created when I found something in common first. Sex was understood to be potent because the physical attraction was there. But like a good wine, it was allowed to develop, strengthen. The tension. The desire to touch, but holding back. And during that hold back time, you find out if you really like the person and enjoy their company. Then the sex gets better. But there are dangers there too. Expectations need to be set upfront, or you get into the leave them for me. In the long-run, the relationship is likely not to last, just due to its very nature. Something is going to give (or be held back). But it will be very enjoyable for its duration. And sometimes very necessary.

There are many ways to address the public forum. Joining a club, common person once or twice removed, etc… that allow the relationship to exist in public at times. Plan to meet and recognize (if you are out with a friend) ‒ talk about something in common, whether actual or fictitious. If your out and run into someone you know, introducing was always the safest for me. It made it open and non-threatening because it was not being hidden. Who is going to check the background story? To be comfortable in public, you need to be comfortable telling a lie. Sad but true.

Anyway, this is getting long-winded. But write back to me at my blog. I would like to hear your response. Thanks for taking the time to read.


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