Pondering my life  

crazygirlforlife 38F
145 posts
6/1/2006 1:57 pm

Last Read:
11/20/2007 6:39 pm

Pondering my life


Today as I'm working out, I realized that I have had about a handful of men that I felt were my soulmate... meaning we had so much in common, they understood me and were open to listening without criticizing or making me feel insecure about what I was saying...and surprise one of the handful, well has never been my husband. To bring you up to speed on this revelation of mine, I guess I need to give you a little history lesson. I met him with us working together. I was attracted to him from first glance but thought to myself no way I would be so lucky. He got under my skin at first but I wanted him so badly that I threw myself at him with him resisting and finally giving in. We dated for three months with many problems. He was living with a ex-girlfriend who he claimed he was only friends with now... that was his outlook.. but not hers. So I had my doubts and concerns that more was going on. He would show up to dates hours late or I would be so upset... I'd show up at his door wondering what happened. I don't know if I fell in love with him or was obsessed because I made up my mind that he was the one. Even though I was only 18, I was sick of dating. Having dated just about every single one of my guy friends, stayed friends with them and frequently had a friends with benefits type relationships with them. I began to realize that they may have been using me for one thing and one thing only... playing with whatever feelings or commitment I was wanting. So I decided, he was the one. Not to mention, my struggle with my family, not letting me go... move out and controlling me. I was in my first year of college & of legal age... but they did not trust me. And I'd been caught in some lies and with people I wasn't supposed to hang out with... but all in all I was a good kid and deep down with good morals & was raised right. I had always wanted to leave the god forsaken town I'd grew up in.. since I was 5. So when I met him, I don't know if I was truly in love, so stubborn that I'd made my mind up & wasn't changing it or saw him as a way out. His parents lived in Florida, even though I wanted to leave & go to California, so we left one night after I had a big argument with my father about what time to come home... I told him 11 pm and he said "come home now or don't come home at all"... so I left the beat up blue pickup that I was my father's--with the key under the mat... and the back window unlocked, that I borrowed to have vehicle to drive, in the parking lot where we worked. I didn't even have my own vehicle, simply because my parents swore they'd never buy me one... but I had always expected that.. I wasn't mad at them but just happy to have something to drive... I left it there because I knew if I left with it then my father would report it stolen. I've always wondered if not having my own vehicle was just another way for them to control me. I didn't know where we were going.. but he knew and after two days we arrived in Florida at his parents house. Two weeks later we were married. And a month later had our own apartment. Two months later we returned to Alabama for a wedding reception planned by my family. And three months after leaving, I was one mth pregnant with our first child. However, three years later, I found out that another child, a son was born to his ex-girl... and yes.. you guessed it... it turned out to be his... only 2 months older than my daughter. I still don't know what to think about it. I've accepted all of it and forgive it but everything still bothers me.

I guess opposites attract. But he never knew me the way I felt a spouse should. He's a friend and a great lover.. but there is something totally missing. I wonder about the whole commitment issue and the institution of marriage. I want it but can I give commitment to someone I don't feel as close to as I think I should. I can't tell him my feelings and feel insecure even liking things he doesn't. I feel like it will be the next thing he brings up in a low blow in the next argument we have. I want to do what is morally right but also be true to myself. Is that even possible?

I recently read a blog post of a girl who is pregnant and so happy to be having her baby. She is so in love with the father and they are getting married. I remember when I was like that.. so happy... so certain. I don't know if it was real, meaning I was truly, really happy or just hormones. I remember being so devoted to my husband.. never thought anything different... every thought was of him.. I didn't care if we were poor, I didn't care if we didn't go out.. which we never did... I was happy.. we were together. I never thought I would or was capable of cheating. I'm not really sure if I have cheated....mentally & emotionally.. I'm sure I have... but physically..does making out with someone and breaking down because u realize what u did .. is that cheating?

It's like my favorite group, Smashing Pumpkin's song...damn, I can't even remember the name of the song... but Billy goes.. the more you feel the less u know... or something like that...It's time I pulled out the CD. I'm embarassed.. I don't even feel like a true pumpkin head anymore. lol

As you'll soon learn, if u continue to read... I tend to question everything.... even my own existance....

fsuliber 42M

6/2/2006 6:01 am

Tonight, Tonight
SMASHING PUMPKINS

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
And you know you're never sure
But your sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight


out_for_a_ride 35M

6/4/2006 3:07 am

morally right is being true to yourself! so yes it's possible to be both, being both is the only way to be either! your questions can be answered and will be answered when you start answering them. don't know how? or even where to begin? others can help, but only when you ask


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