My My what curves life throws u  

crazygirlforlife 38F
145 posts
6/1/2006 1:53 pm

Last Read:
11/20/2007 6:42 pm

My My what curves life throws u

Originally written 5-31-06 3:52 pm

So today I'm writing my first anonymous blog. Not sure I should be doing this but I guess everyone needs an outlet where u don't have to fear who is reading it.

The curves I was referring to.... I've surprised myself lately.. to the point that I'm not sure what I want out of life or the relationship that I'm in. To be honest, I'm often bored to death. I've recently met some really awesome men online and have become obsessed.. yes I admitted it... with the attention I've been receiving... and the nature of our conversations... but that's another story to get into... My behavior makes me question myself... What am I truly looking for? Why am I on here talking to men? I have a great husband... for the most part-except him changing his mind frequently... but I'll get to that later... he's hard working, faithful and good looking... I wonder if I'm living a lie.

So I promised, I would not get online and chat with people during the week.. only on the weekend..with him... after being threatened or told... not sure if he really means it.. that he was just with me because of the kids and will divorce me once they are grown. He had told me this years ago and again last night.. but I thought he had changed his mind and forgiven me. Yet he still thinks he can sleep in the same bed & still have sex with me!?? I'm not sure what to think...So he laid on the couch for awhile after I blew up at him after what he was saying to me & finally came to bed last night... after I had apologized for being online chatting with people so much and had seen the error of my ways... We had awesome sex but I felt disconnected emotionally. I don't know what to think. Should I be in love with him if he is just going to leave me? And what should I think? I'm sick of him saying this stuff and not meaning it... It hurts me and makes me not trust him. But I'm sure he doesn't trust me anymore or ever has.. I don't want to go on thinking I'm going to be spending the rest of my life with this man and then to be let down when the kids get grown and he leaves me... but there is much more to this story... as I will have to continue another web is a very tangled one....

out_for_a_ride 35M

6/4/2006 3:00 am

your behavior should make you question what it is you're looking for. in fact, your behavior is the ultimate guide to understanding why you're feeling however it is you feel, in any given moment. your web is a tangled one because of your decisions, and i don't say that to be negative, but to be supportive of your own intuition. listen to it! your fears have been a driving force in your decision making, and the only positive influence they will have is if you're using your fears to drive yourself to face them. to build on your weakness, not give in to it. your fears have won the battle of comfort, you are more comfortable believing you are in love with this man, than realizing you're not and having to face the world outside of what you've relied on for years. what you describe (regardless of how many chapters the book has) is not love! it is security, and if it were love you'd know that what you have is all you'll ever want (regardless of the trying times). waste not a moment more learning about what you want....which might also seem like the attention you're getting from guys online, but i wouldn't grant them too much credit because you're unknowingly attracting the things you don't want as frequently (and possibly more frequently) as the things you do not afraid, we are all meant for greatness, we are all meant to have what we want!

rm_talktame44 56M
63 posts
6/5/2006 6:56 am

One thing you can be sure of....if you're're changing. It's a condition of life. Events change how we think. Over time our opinions and thoughts evolve due the influences we experience. What thoughts and actions you had at 18 won't be the same thoughts and actions at 28.....and in turn those 28 year old actions will give way to different ones at 38 and 48.....even tomorrow.....opinions can change.

Reading your blog I see you made some very major decisions at 18.....a very young age.....and that's not to be condescending, just spoken with the hindsight of the years I've walked this earth. That you question things isn't a bad thing. Introspective thought leads to self realization. Understanding who you are takes time and some very hard, sometimes brutally difficult self analysis. Guess what trying to say is......I don't have the answers. Nobody but the person in mirror does. All anyone can offer is support.
I think it's obvious you're an intelligent woman.....the right decisions will come.....though the timing of they're arrival may not be known. Be patient. Try not to be frustrated if the answers don't come today or next week. Life is a process without timetables.

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