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Some funnies to smile about
Some funnies to smile about
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes",
the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Wo! man:
Is there a problem, Officer?
Ma'am, you were speeding.
Oh, I see.
Can I see your license please?
I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Don't have one?
Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
I can't do that.
I stole this car.
Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
His body parts are in plastic bags
in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly
backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car,
clasping his half drawn gun.
Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Is there a problem sir?
One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.
Murdered the owner?
Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk,
revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Is this your car, ma'am?
Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
One of my officers claims
that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out
a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Thank you ma'am,
one of my officers told me you didn't have a license,
that you stole this car,
and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
Mrs Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"