Dear Me Friend  

cougarirish 45F
110 posts
7/20/2006 9:59 pm
Dear Me Friend

Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place
after

2 a.m.Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I
know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone
all hours of the night?

Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a
kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and
mustard (washed down with WINE & & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few
sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I
think you went too far this time.

Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me
to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it
should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into
the lock.

Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a
little
penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm
hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I
ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the
kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in
no
way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when
I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no
later than Thursday 3pm(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan





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