In Defense of the Married Man  

clevergirl4U 58F
1461 posts
3/4/2006 8:22 pm

Last Read:
3/16/2006 10:05 am

In Defense of the Married Man

This is NOT the blog that I had planned on writing. And this is NOT a position I had EVER imagined myself defending! I had planned on a "tongue in-cheek-smart-ass-funny" Top Ten List about married men, prompted by another blog that I read. But as I worked on this blog, I knew that my list wasn’t honest... it didn’t ring true to my own experience. And so.... I find myself defending what most of society easily finds indefensible...the married man who seeks sexual intimacy outside of marriage.

OK...not EVERY married man.

I am NOT defending married men who lie about being married. I am NOT defending married men who lie about their expectations for an extra-marital affair. I am NOT defending married men who addictively seek out one night stands, or multiple/ concurrent partners. But I WILL DEFEND the married man who talks honestly about his situation and his expectations and seeks out a compassionate friend with whom to share sexual intimacy.

Sometimes honorable men find themselves in sexless marriages.

Would it be better for him to abandon wife and family for a better SEX life? Many of these men have been in long-term marriages and consider their wives very good friends. They made a promise to this woman that they are trying to keep. Apart from sex, life at home is good.

Many wives know exactly what is going on. It is an unspoken agreement between husband and wife.

I know this to be true from personal experience. Liaisons are exposed and the wives do nothing. Two or three liasons are exposed over the years and they do nothing. Could I live like that? NO. But I am NOT living their lives, or walking in their shoes. Living my OWN life is more than enough challenge for me. And she is not your “sister”...she is just one more person on the planet trying to find her way, and if you met her you might find that you have NOTHING in common. (And I can say this, inspite of my undergraduate degree in Gender Studies.)

Women involved with married men are only victims if they CHOOSE to be.

People lie. Each of us needs to develop our “bullshit detector.” Along with “trusting our gut,” it is an essential life skill. I am 47, and at this point in my life, I don’t think that there is a man on the planet who could lie to me and get away with it for very long. No one COERCES a woman into a liaison with a married man...women CHOOSE and need to take responsibility for their own choices. In these types of liaisons, a woman needs to set her own boundaries... “I want THIS, but not THAT.” He is LUCKY to have found a woman who is both willing and who desires this limited kind of relationship, girl. YOU have the power to define the relationship any way that you want, and let him take it or leave it.

By now you probably know that...

I have experience with the married man. I wouldn’t take back one minute of that experience, which was both painful and joyful. Like any other meaningful human interaction, I learned SO MUCH about myself.But I seriously doubt that I would ever get sexually involved with a married man again... as FreeLove noted in her blog that inspired this, “They are in a hurry to get home...” (such a brilliant and bottom-line observation!.)

So... please talk to me...

rm_spatswilldo 60M/60F

3/5/2006 3:44 am

Although I have not had my fantasy of another woman met as yet it is not an impossibility. My wife knows I am a hopeless (not helpless) horndog. I adore women of most shapes and sizes, and my wife has the desire to share me, but no takers as of now. While I am NOT involved in a sexless marriage (far from it) I still feel as though you were defending me.... .....How can I thank you (nudge-nudge wink-wink)..............................S.

chuckyyyyyyyy 46M
1 post
3/5/2006 8:10 am

im on my 11year of marriage after the kids there no more play in the bed if u know what i mean.i love wife and kids dearly but but a man as needs to

rm_AnOddGirl 57F
3469 posts
3/5/2006 10:28 am

I try to avoid married men, I want no part in their drama. I do feel for the men and women in relationships that are not working (been there), but I feel like if the situation is killing you get the hell out then give me a call.

rm_corezon 53F
3376 posts
3/5/2006 5:27 pm

This is an excellent and thoughtful post.

And it is a risky situation for most women to find themselves in. The biggest risk is the risk of caring too much only to realise that all the doors are still closed and they are going to remain that way.

But then again I have known of exceptions.

clevergirl4U 58F

3/5/2006 8:27 pm

Hey Spats...I have never shared well with others

Valley... your situation was similar to took all my time and energy to keep my marriage afloat. There was nothing left over for a second man That pain comes from what Corezon wrote...either the man, or woman,or both become so attached that the arrangement becomes unbearable.

caressmewell 53F

3/5/2006 9:52 pm

Not all married men are out to hurt their familes or anyone they might have an relationship with. When sex and intimacy are no longer part of the marriage it's understandable that men (and women) will look elsewhere.

elysianpleasure 47M

3/5/2006 11:02 pm

Good post... as I a married guy I can give you my perspective. I would hope I fit into the category of sexless but honorable... although I can't say I feel so honorable. It isn't just about sex... although sex becomes part of it. It is easy to find yourself in a marriage that disconnects you and strangles you from any connections outside the marriage. My wife was my best friend... and on good days still is. With time things can change... things build up in a realtionship and unless you can forgive each other and let go... even in the best marriages you build up baggage. You can wake up one day and find that there is just a great deal between you and a wall has formed. I love my kids and they are the world to me. I have commitments and obligations to them that I take quite seriously. She devoted her life to our family and made sacrafices for the family that I owe her for. But there is nothing honorable in any of this. Just doing the best we can to get by.

rm_FreeLove999 46F
16127 posts
3/6/2006 3:05 am

You are of course free to take what I originally said in any direction your mind takes you -- and glad to inspire such thought. However, my mail was never intended as a critique of married men cheating (I used to see married men from this site cos I am not moralistic about it; I don't see them anymore because they have to get home to their families without being found out and leave without my sexual appetite being satisfied.)

My question was not about whether it is ok for men to cheat.

What I was trying to understand -- and no one really answered it -- is why men (who are in a relationship deprived of sex), on finding a woman who is into sex, don't hang onto her, but prefer the ubiquitous NSA?? (and that is even tho married men go so few chances to make hookups in the first place.)

[blog freelove999]

clevergirl4U 58F

3/6/2006 7:54 am

Caress: I agree and hope it was clear that was the point I was making...appreciate the inputIt never occurred to me to include married women, but I would make exactly the same argument for her.

Elysian: I appreciate that you may not feel honorable, especially when all of society finds the behavior so indefensible. But I disagree. Passionate sex eludes most long-term relationships. I think it is more honorable to find a way to meet your sexual needs while honoring promises made to your family, then to throw away your family in pursuit of passion and sex.

FreeLove: I didn't think that you were criticizing married men. But I think that I reacted to your idea of women as "disposable." Women, including me, who get involved with married men, know the "rules." We willingly enter into a limited relationship that offers no promises. I never felt "disposed of" or victimized.

If I were to try and answer your question, I would say that "sex is sex" but a family is a whole life. I'm guessing that long-term affairs are rare. It's hard to maintain enough emotional distance to make the arrangement workable.

I really loved your line "because they are in a hurry to get home." I found it both funny and sad. A man wrote me asking if he could use the line in a poem he's writing. OK with you?

Mindfull: Loved your comments and especially the phrase "unnecessarily
extreme solution." Wish I had thought of it myself!

aascrompn 42M
6444 posts
3/6/2006 12:14 pm

I commend you very much for such a powerful post. It really usually takes some time before a new blogger comes into such strong stances on something, rather than making it funny all of the time.

Married men - You know, I just don't know that I have an opinion. I think everybodies circumstances are different. I think that if the laison, as you put it, were comfortable w/ it, do it. I'm not saying the man is right or wrong, I'm just saying that if it's left in the context of the woman, then it's equally her fault if she's told about it.

Great stance!

norprin5 55M

3/6/2006 6:33 pm

i've been always been completely up front and honest about my marriage and my queen. ours is definitely not a sexless marriage - in fact, after nearly 23 years of marriage, we have sex as often now as we did in the first year, and it's better!

the problem, as i've also stated in my blog, is that while the queen is a very sexual woman, my desires for experimentation and stretching the envelope greatly exceed hers. and so, here i am

King Nor XVIII

clevergirl4U 58F

3/6/2006 8:12 pm

aa: Thanks. You were one of my first seem to be a very sweet, supportive guy and I can see why the girls love you

nor: interesting angle that I have never come across before, so I appreciate the input. At first glance, I can't say that I UNDERSTAND it...I mean HOW experimental are we talking here? (just being a smart-ass) But it must be a hard sell..."Listen, I'm having incredible sex with my wife, but I want to ___________(fill in the blank)you."

Thanks for visiting and for the new info

swlaman1 65M

3/6/2006 8:35 pm

Powerful insights one and all! I was about to dump this website as a waste of time when I clicked on a tiny rectangle from which Clevergirl's "YES! there is someone home" eyes were looking back at me. Had it been just another amateur porn shot I would have never found this blog. Thanks.
Clevergirl, for the record, I'm several years beyond your newest pair of blue jeans.
Now dare we ask the real question? It's a tough one. The real question is (drum roll)
“Can an honorable man in a sexless marriage find sex outside the marriage and still remain an honorable man? " I'm old school on this one boys and girls. My answer is...yes IF he can continue to fulfill his duty.
He has made a commitment to his family. Assuming that the marriage is otherwise sound, he must honor that commitment. If the marriage is not sound he can honorably end it and continue to meet his commitment to the family. BUT if he takes on a lover he has now assumed duty with another woman. He must be honest with her and honorable with her. Can you see how easily the two can conflict? I not only feel for this guy, I have been this guy.

Oddgirl. You are right. If it’s time to leave then leave. But you must take your duty with you.

Corzon. I too know of exceptions. But everyone kept their commitments. Rare.

Eysian. Wish I could shake your hand. Would a hug make you uncomfortable?

Mindful. Amazing insight for one so young. Keep your open mind, you never know which role you will play.

Freelove. That really is a good line. YOU should write a poem around it.

Caressmewell. You are right. Men and women.

Clevergirl. Thanks.
Peace and have fun.

clevergirl4U 58F

3/7/2006 10:09 am

swlaman: thanks for putting so much effort into a responseBut I have to tell you that you missed my "nakie" shot by about a week

swlaman1 65M

3/7/2006 3:18 pm

Ain't it just my Luck!

clevergirl4U 58F

3/8/2006 11:44 am

lash: I think that you are exactly right! The woman would like some kind of normal, affectionate ending to the encounter, and affectionate feeling are the one thing the married man may want to avoid. Thanks

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