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Yes, you know who you are and why I now think of you this way. You wanted me to write something where you and I were the 'stars'. Well, guess what? Yep, that's right sweetheart... this is it!!! Somehow, I don't think it's quite what you had in mind, but I don't care.
All this time I was thinking how noble you were, that you had integrity and honor and that's why we could be. That somehow you were 'protecting' me from the stigma of having an affair. I let that belief add to your allure. How stupid was I?
I placed you on a pedestal. You were the man to whom I compared all others, and they always came up short. None of them 'got' me the way you did. You always understood my moods, knew what to say to lift my spirits and knew how to take me down a notch when needed. You were my everything. My dream. My goal.
I believed, because you allowed and encouraged it, that one day we would be together. That day went from 'if' to 'when' and my heart skipped. My smile got so big I thought it would split my face. Just the thought of you would make me feel all giddy and like a school girl. And if you actually came online or, better yet, called... it was all sunshine and roses! An absolute shitty day suddenly became the best one ever. By the same token, a day without you could go from the best ever to the worst.
I find myself wanting to take the blame for what happened. But we both know it wasn't my fault. I had nothing to do with the choice you made. That's right baby... the choice YOU made.
Was I naïve? Or just gullible? I believed every word you told me, whether written or spoken. Did I expect too much? Then again, was it too much to expect that when a man tells you he thinks about you every day, that he can't wait to be with you, he might actually mean it? Especially when that same man has said it several times.
At the very beginning it was all in fun it was just flirting and teasing. I did everything I could to tempt you and I may have come close on a few occasions. Do you remember? After a few months it intensified, still nothing too serious, but more than simple flirting. Then you called me.
The teasing and flirting turned into a 'crush'. But I knew I couldn't have you. I started to feel like I was wasting my time so I looked elsewhere, but like I wrote earlier... no one compared to you.
How about all the e-mails I wrote you? They ranged from silly how-are-you's to raw sex. You told me you loved the scenarios I wrote, that you could feel everything I described as if it really had happened, or that it would. Remember how I described it all in detail? From the sound of the breeze in the trees to the feel of my breath on your neck. Nothing else I've written comes close to the stories I would write for you... because I was writing them for someone I cared about deeply. Because it was important to me that you know exactly how I felt. Because I knew they made you happy, and that made me happy.
I wonder if you can sense the tears on my face as I write this now. If you can feel the depth of my hurt. The heat of my anger. Can you hear the hollowness of my soul as the question "why?" echoes throughout?
I've searched my memory for any tell tale sign that things were different. It comes up blank. Then again, that goes back to me believing everything you wrote and said. You told me you were busy... working, that the heat was wearing you out and you just didn't feel like doing anything when you got home. Why wouldn't I believe you? You had never lied to me in the past, even when what you had to say wasn't necessarily what I wanted to hear. Why would I think you were lying then?
I've read all the e-mails you've sent over the last couple months, especially those in the last couple days. Absolutely nothing to suggest anything was out of the ordinary. They were all the same as they'd been... some sweet and gentle, some just sharing what's going on in your life, some extremely teasing. No reason to think that anything was different. In fact, you seemed quite pleased that I had finally made a decision to change my situation.
Our future was looking bright. It was just a matter of months before we'd be able to do everything we talked about; to live out some of those fantasies we wrote about. To be happy.
You sent me an e-mail telling me you were going to spend time with your family, that you were excited and you would tell me all about it when you got back on Saturday. Then on Friday I got another e-mail from you telling me you were going off the internet and to not call you anymore. No explanation. Nothing.
I think I went through all the stages of grief except acceptance.
Heartbreak. Shock. They're still with me. You see, you didn't answer the phone. Your family didn't answer the phone. After the woman asked who I was, she asked why I was calling. I answered. Then she told me her 'husband' was busy.
Why? Why couldn't you tell me? Why did you lead me on? Why did you let me believe you were the only man who would never intentionally hurt me... and then shatter my heart?
I would love to be the person I used to be. She would have said 'I wish you well'. But I don't. I hope you feel my pain every day for the rest of your life.
Yours No Longer