State of Confusion  

carpetmunchkin 37F
111 posts
5/15/2006 6:07 am

Last Read:
5/22/2006 6:28 am

State of Confusion

Ok first, sorry but no sexual exploits the last two weekends. I have been in a total state of confusion lately. But before I can explain why I need to give some background. You see I have been on the rebound from a devastating break-up with my ex-girlfriend for the last 18 months. We met my freshmen year in college. She was so stunning and so sophisticated that she swept me off my feet. I was in love and thought this was someone I would spend the rest of my life with. We lived together for about a total of five years. I was so smitten with her that I catered to her every need, but at my own expense. Soon after the start of my second year of college, I gave up and ended up flunking out. But I didn’t care, I was in love with a woman who was going to be very successful and who would support me. And she did this for three years. I thought she loved me—maybe she actually did for awhile. But then she broke my heart. I was devastated. I had a job, but I quit and moved back home with my parents. I stayed there for about a year and finally found a new job. I had kept in touch with my friends from high school and they have been very supportive. One of them, Colleen, who I have mentioned below, offered to share an apartment with me.

It was only about eight months ago that I finally got my act together and started going out. I started enjoying myself again and my newfound sexual freedom. Only this time, I set out with the goal that I would not let myself fall in love again and that I would not even put myself in a position where I could fall in love. While this seemed to be working as I was having such a great time with so many sexual partners and no need for commitment. I had my friends when I needed friends so I didn’t need my lovers to be friends.

That was all before I met Anna. Aside from the very strong sexual attraction that brought us together, I have been fighting off the very strong urge I have to bond with her on more than a physical level. She has been pushing me to spend more time with her and I have been resisting, but I do not know if I want to resist. I am so damn confused. I just don’t want to get hurt again. And yeah, I know the saying, it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. But I have loved and I lost. I am just not sure I am ready to love again.

Playing into this is the fact that I am stilling meeting so many new and great ladies, many of which I have met here on AdultFriendFinder. Now I know that just because I allow myself to become both Anna’s friend and lover that I am not exclusively committing to her. But I also realize that it could lead to that, and I am just not sure I am ready exclusively date anyone. Maybe I will just discover that Anna and I are not meant to be, but maybe I will fall in love again. I don’t know what to do.

Two weekends ago, I chickened out and made arrangements to babysit my two year old niece so that I had an excuse not to see Anna. Babysitting, however, gave me more mixed emotions. I had such a great time with my niece it has made me think about where the hell I am going with my life. For the last eight months I have been living one day at a time, only thinking about sex with whomever I could arrange it, while refusing to think about the future. I also realized how much I was missing Anna.

So this past weekend, I got together with Anna. We had a great time and had great sex. At the end of the night I told her of my feelings toward her and also how confused I was. I told her she needed to give me some time to figure this out.

So here I am trying to figure out what I should do. What do you think I should do?

nedthebundler 56M/59F

5/15/2006 7:59 am

I'm sorry your LTR didn't work out for you, it happens. I think there is the misconception out there that same sex relationships are ALWAYS full of pure love and will last forever because there isn't someone that thinks differently than you involved.

You're still young, you have time. I haven't read your profile, so I don't know how you list your sexual orientation, but it doesn't matter. I sense you have a inner struggle between your submissive and dominant self, that until you settle will be the bane of your relationships with others.

I wish you all the best.

Madness takes its toll. Exact change please!

carpetmunchkin 37F

5/15/2006 8:53 am

Nedthebundler, thank you for your comments. That is very insightful. I hadn't thought of it in those terms, but I think you may have hit the nail on the head. I am not sure how I will settle that struggle but at least you have helped me identify it better.

carpetmunchkin 37F

5/22/2006 6:28 am

    Quoting freakysexchick4u:
    I think you should try me on for size before you make any commitments. xxooxx
freakysex, looking at that body of yours, I agree! What a hottie!

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