|Blogs > carebearluv2 > now a word from our sponsor...|
My life is in a state of transition at the moment. At 31, I am discovering that I want more in my life. I am tired of just getting by. I want a better career, a place I love to live and an actual social life. I seem to want it all and that scares the hell out of me.
To want it all for me means that there is a possiblity I may fail. I don't like to fail at things. In fact, I make it my personal mission not to fail. It is one of my worst fears in life, whether it is failing myself or someone in my family. I am your classic overachiever.
I am also someone who gives and gives while sacrificing myself. Let me explain...
I had my son young. I was 19 when I got pregnant and 20 when I had him. I was working full-time and decided to go back to college when he was 3 years old. I spent the next couple of semesters earning top grades, landed on the dean's list and even though I didn't graduate, I applauded myself for being able to balance both work and school with a 3 year old on my lap. Eventually it got to be too much and I had to drop school.
When I lived in CA, I had a very active social life. My friends always go wonderful places and I went out with them weekly. Either to dance, dinner, movies, trips to Vegas, etc. They never seemed to stop, they still don't and sometimes I envy them. Sure they don't have children but I don't think it is normal at 31 to be sitting home every Saturday night. I haven't made many friends here in 3 years. I live in a rural area and there isn't much by way of entertainment. Nashville is 2 hours from me. It's impossible to even have a drink without getting a hotel room. I miss CA terribly and I don't like it here. My son on the other hand,loves it.
I moved to TN for my family. The cost of living out in CA was getting to be burdensome and my nieces were back here. I didn't want them to know me only in pictures and I knew my budget, as well as my sister's couldn't afford me the luxury of flying them out often.
I am in the midst of losing my job as I have spoken about before. There is a lot of frustration and anxiety over that; but there is something more as well. There is opportunity.
I have longed to go back to school for years now. I want to be in the legal profession; not as an attorney but as a paralegal or a court reporter. I would rather be behind the scenes and the law fascinates me. If you asked me growing up what I wanted to be, I would have told an attorney.
I can't help feeling like I am living my life for other people. I can't helping feeling like somehow, I've lost my sense of me in all this and I am just so selfless that I am powerless.
I know all about empowerment, I am an abusive survivor; but with my empowerment in this case comes guilt. Guilt that I am leaving my family, moving my son from his favorite school and only making life matter to me. There's got to be a balance in all of this. There's got to be a way to live for me and for my family.
I will continue to search for answers. In the meantime, forgive me if I make the blog rounds less or don't respond to comments in a timely manner. Life is overwhelming at the moment and I need to find myself in a short amount of time (4 months. I expect my future blog entries to reveal my path. I hope I can have you on that path with me...it's going to be one hell of a ride!
6/11/2006 8:16 pm
Scary, taking the step that no one knows for sure the footing. We are doing the same and know exactly your issues. |
Sounds like you are ready for the first step? Good Luck!
6/12/2006 8:03 am
i know all about feeling guilt for wanting to take care of me...|
6/12/2006 8:30 am
There is no way you can make your son or anyone else happy if you're miserable. He's a kid, he'll land on his feet. |
A lady I know had a son at 18. She lived her life for him for the next 18 years, and didn't really get to do anything for herself until he graduated. It is one choice.
You know you're going to have to move. With that many people looking for a job in a rural area, there isn't going to be much. Nashville or Austin or somewhere else, it's going to happen.
It was damn scary to divorce and go looking for a job at 28, never having been in the work force before. It turned out better than I ever dreamed, but there were times I just sat alone and cried and wondered if I was going to end up on the street.
Us over-acheivers don't settle. We make our reality. It depends on what you want to make. Remember that decisions can be changed. Figure out what you want and go for it. If it turns out to be a mistake, change it.