Pretty ( Ugly Before )  

captainzipper 44M
33 posts
10/18/2005 4:08 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Pretty ( Ugly Before )

" sunshine, been keeping me up for days
there is no nighttime, it's only a passing phase.."

... I think it's perhaps a bit less a matter of me necessarily talking in circles as it seems to be perhaps a bit more of a figure 8 pattern. Every once in a while my thoughts just so happen to collide and be clear as day, but then the rest of the time there are those attractive little loops that I can't help but find myself following as though a shiny object reflected in the corner of my eye ...

Perhaps I'm simply too afraid to speak my mind openly at times. I would never say fear is a guiding force of my existance in that way, yet there are indeed those times where I wish so badly that I could just say something rather than seemingly speak in metaphor and nonsense instead.

Or perhaps it is a form of fear ... like if I say a thing then that makes it somehow more tangable, something that can be taken away. For what it's worth there have been far too many beautiful things that have come into my life one day only to dissappear the next, seemingly beyond my control.

Sometimes when those points do collide it can be wonderful .. a sense of freedom, like any shyness or fear never existed in the first place. I often long for those moments most of all.

Like right now ...

Yet my fingers betray my very thoughts, seemingly won't type the words no matter how clear they may be in my mind.

So I travel along another loop and think some more ...

And another day slips into night ... and I sit here dreaming of beauty ... I wish that there were words to describe to you exactly how beautiful you truely are to me. I wish those words could matter. I wish you could look into my soul and see how beautiful it makes *me* feel to think of you ...

" .. and I feel pretty, pretty enough for you
I felt so ugly before, I didn't know what to do .."

captainzipper 44M

10/19/2005 12:40 am

*Bows and thanks you for taking the time to not only venture into Zipperland, but to leave such a wonderful post as well*

Many thanks to you, and welcome to Zipperland curvalicious. I must say, that I quite like the name you chose ... it's very close in fact to one of my favorite words ~ delicious

Perhaps we *have* been drinking the same water ...

It's absolutely made my day to recieve a post from another Elliott Smith fan. His music has always been such a potent thing to me ... such bitter sweet poetry that I welcome to play out through my mind no matter where I may wander. A little known fact about R for you ~ years ago, when either/or first came out it was the thing that inspired me to move from Chicago to Portland ~ but how could I not want to live in a place where such amazing music was ( and still is ) being made ?

I will in fact be posting a special report from Zipperland in a couple of days in tribute to Elliott, a rememberance of his life and a moment of reflection on his passing ...

Thank you once again curvalicious ... your post has ineed put a smile on my face.

captainzipper 44M

10/19/2005 8:49 am

Not much time at the moment to write all I'd like, though I'm sure I'll do so quite soon once I'm able I did want to say thank you for another wonderful post among other things ...

You're absolutely right .. Fall and Elliott go hand in hand for me ... like if I listen to Basement no matter the time of year it brings me back to October .. and at least for me, October would never be the same without that music now.

I have in fact listened to quite a bit of Heatmiser, and only wish I'd have had the oppertunity to see them play while still together. I was actually lucky enough to be at the release party for No.2's 'What Does Good Luck Bring?' at this tiny club in Pdx called the Blackbird. It was a really amazing show that I'm sure you'd have liked ... Quasi played as well, and then at the end of the night a psudo-band calling themselves Shadow Morton played ( an impromptu cover band with Janet Weiss and Rebecca Gates among others you likely know as well )

I'll definitely be writing more soon ... we seemingly do have lots to talk about indeed Oh, and yes, I do mean Portland aka Puddletown OR ... and I must admit that Astoria is an amazingly beautiful town, one I spent quite a few truely wonderful days in ...

captainzipper 44M

10/19/2005 10:07 am

"I had a mantra for a while... when I was trying my hand at cyber... (lol... that didn't sound quite right, but take it however you want). I would type and retype things trying to get the words just right... trying to come across in a certain way. It was getting in the way of the 'timing' of cyber. So, I would type whatever first came into my mind and then 'just hit send'. That became my mantra... Just hit send... just hit send... just hit send. Oh... ohhhh... ohhhhh... just hit send... lol. It worked. I do the same with my blog. I do the same sometimes even face to face. I just put it out there... for better or for worse."

Very well put BigGirl.

I suppose the thing for me is that in terms of my *own* life, be it my ups or my downs it's actually always been a fairly easy thing for me to just be open or honest about any of it. In some ways that's always helped me as sort of a driving force behind anything I do creatively ~~ for quite a few years all of my paintings included text clipped out of dusty old books I'd found in antitque shops, and my paintings quite literally became a visual diary of sorts. Music is the same way for me .. the songs that affect my life the most by other people are the ones I know are coming from a place of honesty and emotion, which is what I aspire to as best I can as well ...

I suppose the times it's hardest for me to say what specific things may be on my mind come into play when there's another person or persons involved if that makes sense ... that's when my shyness can have it's most profound effects on me ...

... at the same time writing for me does seemingly come quite naturally ... what you see here in Zipperland will always be the *very* un-edited flow of thoughts which find their ways to my fingers as I type ...

... and then I just hit send

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