Untill Now  

bustajam 32M
0 posts
8/10/2005 5:39 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Untill Now


I have always been a person looking for adventure and always winding up in more shit than I can handle but hey that was part of the excitment. But hey I'm not on here to discuss my criminal activities but rather just get afew things off my chest that get me down.

I have never been rude or crewl to women in anyway and neither to any of my friends. About for years ago I ment the girl of my dreams she was perfect for me in every way. Well it seemed so at the time, it didnt take long for us to be more than just lovers but best friends too. We did every thing together, well infact I did every thing she wanted to do.... She was just not the type to co-operate with anyone or anything... so we got into a vicious cycle of me getting frastrated it could only be her way and her not giving a shit and me blowing up eventually and then she pinning the blame back on me and back to the start....

This is the last letter I wrote her and she still can't understand... what is wrong with this girl...

You see how it felt beck...

All I wanted was thing to be right between us, I was willing to forgive the things that have happened and move on. As you have always been the girl i dremt of being with my entire life, the girl I wished would share my interests and I would come to love your passions.

If you gave me a chance just once I would have shown you I'm the easiest guy in the world to get along with, with abit of co-operation. Just why you could not give me that chance, why I could never have a say or you to want to do some thing I wanted, I don't know and dont understand.

You see beck, I was so prowd of you that I willing lay down 18 hour days for months at a time, to make you your very own modelling agency and it worked. 200 proffessional models in 6 months all over the world. We had some thing to be proud of, the news was great... yours a great reporter even though you grouped up other peoples reports, it was still superb and you made me proud dispite the fact it cost me many hours of convincing you to lift a finger and help in something, I was purly doing for you.

Remember why I did it for you, two reasons. Firstly you where every upset that target models wanted a certain ammount of cash which your dad wouldnt lend and afew of you mates where on the web site. And well I wanted to give you a sence of importance and security. A Sence that you where better than the rest. I wanted you to feel good about yourself and succeesful in every way. But you just didnt want to understand that.

Then to try to get you more enthuciastic, I went and bought you, your own top of the range computer. Well top of the range at the time. Do you see how much time and money I put in just try to make you feel important and happy. Remeber all the issues I'd listen to.

Now that was just one thing, don't you remember all the times I walked you home, I escorted you home in a taxi and walked back in the pooring rain. Don't you remember how many times I had to sleep on the streets just because I wanted to be by your side in the port, whats more remember the time I did that in the pooring rain. The times I had to sit in the blistering cold at the bus stop and walk 4 km to get home after seeing you. Or how about the time I had your own private dress design made. What about the time I got smashed in with a helmet to protect you from those guys... and then carried you all the way home on my back running...

What about all the weeks I worked just to get you something nice. Beck I would never have you pay for a thing, I looked after you like a princess even if it got in the way of my own health and safty. No one was better than you, to me.

Three years of never giving up on you hoping you see the light and relize you can go on trying to control every thing. Laughing off my request with a straight and forward "NO". Give me a chance. I never said no to you, am I a sucker. Yes we did have great sex but that was the only thing you made obious that you cared about. I mean for fuck sake beck I have feelings. How can you sleep with me that week and me think, oh she understands me now. Then go "WHAT YOU WANT!!" in the very next phone call. How used do you think I felt. When all I called you for was to say I love you and tell you I got you a massivly nice pressie to brighted up your day. you gota remeber that it wasnt so long ago.

Now lets clarify something else, that night I sent you the text of I'll always love you. Yes I made the first move and got off with a girl. Because I knew you were with a guy that you fancy and you didnt even denie it. How unsecure you think that made me feel. But I had the opportunity to go further and you no i did. but I thought to my self this is wrong, I would hurt her too much and she would never do this to me. How wrong was I, you fucked nick the very next night. And beck get it right "Nick was tiny compared to you..." does not make it any better. We had somat special of lossing it 2 each other and only ever being with each other.

But now that is gone, every thing that I thought was unbreakable... so special, has been shattered..

Just Remeber all those time, I suffered and worked hard just for you.......

DID THAT NOT EARN ONE FUCKING DAY OF YOU FUCK 6 WEEKS OFF?
DID I NEVER EARN A MOMMENT OF YOUR CO-OPERATION?
WHAT DID YANNICK DO TO DESERVE ALL THE TIME THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MINE?
WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT STUPID THINGS ALL THE TIME?
WHY WAS I THE ONLY ONE YOU REBELLED AGAINST?
AM I JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH?
WHY WERE YOU WITH ME SO LONG, IF YOU COULD WORK WITH ME?
WHY COULD YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME?
WHY DID YOU JUST FORGET EVERY THING I EVER TOLD YOU?
WHY DID YOU SHOW NO INTEREST IN MY LIFE EXCEPT THE LIFE OF MY COCK?

I spent time watching you at dancing and watching you practise at home abit and commenting and bring up ideas.

You see it all was a vicious cycle.

You don't accept my request---->tetion builds up in me----->I accept your request------>but you still dont co-operated with my plans----->more tension builds up------>still wont co-operate----->KAAAABOOOOOM----->fight-------->You don't accept my request

That simple diagram just about lead to every problem we ever had.

Why did I give and not get to take?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I HATE YOU NOW, AFTER ALL THIS TIME OF FORGIVING AND TRYING AGAIN?
THINK OF AMY LIKE YANNICK, I WAS JUST DOING THE SAME AS YOU AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE IT LIKE YOU NEVER LIKED ME TREATing YOU LIKE YOU TREAT ME!

You know girls don't deserve to be treated like i treated her.... not unless they proove they are willing to do the same for you...

u no.... fuk it, i might have bn a soppy bastard but fuk it and fuk her!!

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