Suggestion: Dashman  

bulging_boy 49M
4912 posts
1/14/2006 2:59 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Suggestion: Dashman


fucking trees!

fucking middle earth!

What the fuck? Why?? Why couldn't those fuckers stay on top earth?

God!

It's not like I can run all that fast either.

Here take this they said.

Why didn't I ask what for? Why???? But no! I took it like the dumb hobbit that I am.

I should have seen it coming. The pensive looks when they shoved it into my hands and ran like bastards.

OOOF!

Damn! Who put that fucking tree there! Peter Jackson? You cunt!

Oh shit... here they come again.

I mean... isn't it enough that I have to take this crystal staff and insert it into the gateway to bottom earth? Why couldn't that be enough?

But nooooo. nooooooo. I got to have those fucking dickhead dwarves from top earth chase me. We want the staff. Give it! Give it!

STOP OR WE'LL SHOOT.

Yeah sure. Like I'm gonna stop for you cock face!

*splurt*

Fuck me! They really are shooting.

*sob*

Take it to the gateway to bottom earth and shove it into the lock as far as it will go. You should hear a groaning sound. Go quickly... our village depends on your success.

On my success? You dopey fuckwits! I have one leg longer than the other. Now I have to constantly run forwards and backwards so I can stay in a straight line or I'll end up running in circles.

Hmmm... now there's an idea.

*splurt*

Oh crap... they're gaining on me. But there's only two. Thank fuck for that.

Hang on a minute. I don't even know where the fuck I'm going.

You fucking dumb bastards. Didn't you consider that I wouldn't know where this gateway was?

Nooooo! of course not! You were too busy saving your own hobbit arse. Just wait till I get back. By fuck your hobbit arse will bleed for a month.

Nice one! Between you fucks and Peter "Lets put a tree ummm here!" Jackson, what hope have I got?

ok. None.

Seems I have no other alternative but to fight.

*splurt*

Stop doing that you dirty prick! That's just wrong! Noone uses chemical weapons these days. Biological warfare is immoral.

ok... wish me luck. I'm gonna stop spinning round and round to keep in a straight line and I'm gonna keep running forward.

and running forward and now I raise the staff... holding it like a jousting spear... running faster now and hehehehe it's working...

Oh wow... a complete circle. I've always cursed this long leg short leg thing.

*spears dickhead dwarf in the arse with crystal staff*

and then there was one!

*splurt* *splurt* *splurt* *splurt* *splurt*

Jesus... rapid fire. Where the fuck's a tree when I need OOOOOOF!

I meant to hide behind you fucking twat!

I scrambled around the tree and hid from his sight.

I'M GONNA GET YOU HOBBIT. YOU KILLED MY FRIEND. YOU PUT CRYSTAL UP HIS DATE. I MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT.

I looked around the tree to see where the other dwarf was.

No sign of him... but I knew he was close. I could hear the dripping coming from his eye, and I could smell the salt in the air.

As I tried to spot him, I noticed a rather strange rock formation. It had a smooth curved surface and from where I was sitting... it looked to have a hole right in the middle.

Fuck yes!!! The gateway to bottom earth. I found it.

All I had to do now was get the crystal staff driven home, and my village would be saved.

I looked left and right and around the tree again... no sign. So I started running.

*BAM*

I tried to remember if looking ahead was something I was taught. Seems while I was looking left and right... the dwarf had spotted me and found my blind spot, which it seemed was straight in front of me.

NOW I GOT YOU HOBBIT. NOW I GONNA SHOOT YOU.

As much as I'd like to say I was brave I wasn't. He leant forward to blow me into the back of the tree. I scrambled back and *plop* something landed in my lap.

An apple. What the fuck? This was no time to eat.

Shit a brick! Quicker than a premature orgasm, I grabbed the apple and slam dunked it into this dickhead dwarf's eye. I then grabbed the staff and ran like fuck towards the hole.

The explosion was immense. It lifted me into the air and carried me to the rock. As I crunched into the solid surface, I lined the staff up with the hole. As I crumpled up, the staff found it's way in. The force caused the whole rock to stand up and let out an almighty scream.

Fuck!

I thought that was the gateway to bottom earth. Still... it seemed to do just as good a job.

The giant turned around and looked at me.

HOBBIT. NOONE, AND I MEAN NOONE HAS FUCKED ME IN THE ARSE LIKE THAT BEFORE.

IN RETURN FOR SUCH CRYSTALLINE PLEASURE, I WILL STAND GUARD OVER YOUR VILLAGE.


Sweet as giant dude! But when we get there? I need you to stick your finger up the arse of one of the hobbits there!

UP TO THE FIRST KNUCKLE?

No way buddy! Stick it up as far as you can get it!

bardicman 50M

1/14/2006 7:27 am

I heard that giant ended up with being the top rated OB/GYN in all of hobbitville.



I am not dead yet


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
1/14/2006 9:05 am

Why do I feel like I missed the first chapter of this story?

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


Sister_Act_4_You 38F/38F

1/14/2006 9:42 am

Has Peter Jackson called you yet to work on his next film? Or, perhaps his lawyers?!? lol!


rm_1hotwahine 63F
21091 posts
1/14/2006 9:53 am

not that you'll be able to read this but...
Is Daphne SURE she missed the first chapter? I think not.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


pinkplaytoyz 49F

1/14/2006 10:03 am

One giant step for hobbitkind,
One hobbit fuck for giant...

I love it when history is made!


bulging_boy 49M

1/14/2006 10:50 am

He may well have Bard,

Apparently those dwarves brought a new disease with them...

either that or the giant was a fetishist


bulging_boy 49M

1/14/2006 10:53 am

it's the booze daph!

we tried to tell you to cut down... but noooooooo!

LOL


bulging_boy 49M

1/14/2006 10:55 am

Hey poppet,

Uhhhhhh... I don't want to work on his lawyers


Sweetest_Sin_Jes 36F

1/14/2006 12:10 pm

*blank stare*

I like that word "splurt"!!

Jess


bulging_boy 49M

1/14/2006 12:47 pm

Hey Pink,

I'm not sure what happened on re-rentry.

LOL


fantasia_shares 47M/43F
4164 posts
1/14/2006 1:50 pm

ummm....bulgy...u disappeared outta the top 10 I had to go and look for you! eesh

Fantasia

You might want to know who to watch out for around here: Are YOU a Dirty Bad Man or Woman? !

Please tell me the secrets of your sex appeal Primping!

And a MUST READ: [post 2294897]

Just shamelessly pimping my own damned blog!
{=}


bulging_boy 49M

1/14/2006 2:24 pm

I'm glad there was something amongst that lot that you liked Jess.

LOL


bulging_boy 49M

1/14/2006 2:25 pm

WELCOME SPICY!!

I'm glad you like it. Although it really says a lot for your tastes!

LOL


bulging_boy 49M

1/14/2006 2:26 pm

Yep fantasia,

Shit happens... but WOOOHOOOO!

You found me!

How cool does that make ME feel!


oldman1776 78M
3164 posts
1/14/2006 5:18 pm

Thats funny shit bulge.


bulging_boy 49M

1/14/2006 5:58 pm

I know oldman.

If you look real careful... the corn almost looks like a face!

ahhhh... you meant the post?

oooh.

*flush*

Sorry!


helga_hansen 49F  
1987 posts
1/15/2006 5:42 am

*Throws away her copies of Lord of the Rings* That was so much better, and much more believable!! Will you sign my autograph book when the movie premiers here in the UK? Now that Pete has finished making King Kong I'm sure he'd be interested in the rights to this story!!

Hx

Love, hugs and kisses from ♥♥HH♥♥


TabithaElectra79 38F

1/15/2006 3:32 pm

*Tabs looks around for someone to help her out*

(i've never read LOTR or seen any of the films - this is what you're talking about...right?!)


bulging_boy 49M

1/15/2006 3:55 pm

Hey BigGirlz,

No way! I never said I was gonna finger it... just make sure it bled!

and by fuck! That it did!!


bulging_boy 49M

1/15/2006 3:56 pm

I have my fingers crossed Helga,

Now I know how Michaelangelo felt after painting the Cistine Chapel.

LOL


bulging_boy 49M

1/15/2006 3:58 pm

You've never read or seen LOTR Tabitha?

In that case... ummm... yep!

This is it! Uncut! Directors version.

LOL


TabithaElectra79 38F

1/15/2006 4:26 pm

This is it! Uncut! Directors version.

Still talking about this post aren't we???


RailBaron2 54M

1/15/2006 5:40 pm

ROFLMAO> Bulge- It never fails- everytime I come by & visit I have to where my boots cause the Sheep shit is soooo deeep.


bulging_boy 49M

1/15/2006 7:34 pm

It is RB,

We call them creature comforts!

LOL


curious082385 31F
4925 posts
1/16/2006 1:52 am



You were drinking when you wrote this, weren't you???


bulging_boy 49M

1/16/2006 3:56 am

I wish I could have used that excuse Curious


dasher121 36M

1/16/2006 7:21 am

oh my god!!! That was much better than i could have ever expected you to do with that weird ass situation i left you. Im really laughing into tears right now hahahaah. cheers to you bulge, that was fucking awsome!!!


bulging_boy 49M

1/16/2006 8:49 am

*bows*

Thanks Dashman... thanks


bulging_boy 49M

1/17/2006 1:50 pm

Sure can Trav,

It's just a little dodgey being in that order in the sentance.

LOL


bulging_boy 49M

2/3/2006 1:57 am

Daph misses nothing Wahine!

I'm sure she's got chapter 1 from me many times before now!

LOL


Become a member to create a blog