One... two... three... squeeze!  

bulging_boy 49M
4912 posts
11/11/2005 7:05 pm

Last Read:
8/16/2013 12:10 am

One... two... three... squeeze!

So you reckon huh?

This post is in response to the gauntlet thrown down at my feet. The virtual slapping of the face and the I betcha can't.

Bet you can't write a post without swearing!

Of course I fnnng well can! This post is gonna prove it!

So there! Nah nah nee nah nah!

Now good fellow bloggers of blogsville. This is a participation round, so I want you all to cast aside your sensibilities and join in. It's going to be fun, but you need to relax and join in.

Firstly, there has been a bit of a stink in Blogland. Partly what made me think of this. Think of a stink? Hmmm... no I rhymed last time.

Last time I rhymed, I rhymed last time... last time I rhymed I timed my rhyme.

oooh I feel dizzy now.

Anyway... I saw this cloud heading our way, and figured we must fight fire with fire. To coin a phrase. So we are going to create our own stink and our own stink on purpose.

I have opened the window and turned the trailer around so the window is facing this dark cloud.

We must unite people. We simply must!

So what better way to do it than to have a fart off competition. There are a few simple but unbreakable rules.

1 ) Absolutely no smoking. This trailer will become highly flammable. For the safety of yourself and *everyone* else in blogland. Please, please, please... NO SMOKING

2 ) You are allowed to eat and drink prior to bottom burping, however should you follow through, you must clean up after yourself.

3 ) The same applies should you be suffering from an upset digestive tract.

4 ) No finger pulling by a third party is allowed. Each competitor is responsible for pulling their own finger. The doubles competition has been postponed pending the success of the singles event.

5 ) Airhorns found in the pants of competitors will be removed and that person will be disqualified.

6 ) All competitors must stay out of the brown zone until the preceeding competitor has left the zone.

7 ) In the case of a tie. The winner will be decided by the competitor able to stay in the brown zone the longest.

8 ) Points will be awarded for tone, duration and colour. Extra points will be awarded for blood vessel poppage.

9 ) While sniggering is allowed. Laughing out loud is discouraged due to the intake of breath. In past events the intake of competition air has caused reflex vomiting and prematurely ended the competition.

Let the competition and the saving of Blogland begin!

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/11/2005 7:31 pm

*giggling* i cant believe im saying this...but can i be a judge?

A long, dry, musical fart will score highly; on a lesser scale will be, short, wet, farts, bullets, rip- , bubbles, blobs and squeaks. I will take into consideration the various qualities of all farts, e.g. volume, strength, odour, and staying power.

gawd...i've been soooo corrupted

rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
11/11/2005 7:38 pm

Will there be a silent but deadly category of competition?

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
11/11/2005 7:47 pm

You do know that this can kill you...right? Seriously. And what a sad, sad way to go. (big sigh here)

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

saddletrampsk 54F

11/11/2005 8:26 pm

My own smell good..but everyone else elses are..

1023 posts
11/11/2005 9:53 pm

Bulge, is it time to put away our torches?

If SJ's the judge I'm outta here, I think she dont like me...I think it should be a deathmatch where the winner is the last man or woman or trannie standing

Also I must contest #4, it never works when I've pulled my own finger. Come to think of it I ate spinach last night and will be unable to participate til after I buy some buttwad from the convienence store.

*AHHNOLD VOICE* "I wheel be bahhk"

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/11/2005 11:23 pm

aww vik i like ya fine..where would you get that idea?

men are so silly

rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
11/12/2005 12:54 am


silent but deadly

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/12/2005 4:13 am

weak trav..just weak.
and isnt poot a bit of a girlie noise? thsi one has a low degree of difficulty.

I give it a 2.5

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/12/2005 4:15 am


excellent execution! bonus points for creativity.

decent staying power.


bulging_boy 49M

11/12/2005 9:20 am

SJ Sure!

You can be the judge and uhhh

I see you already started!

Fantastic... I love a person with initiative

bulging_boy 49M

11/12/2005 9:22 am

Hi Daphne,

No this is a freestyle event so there won't be separate categories.

You are entirely within your rights to submit a silent and deadly entry.

In fact... this could work to your advantage by unsettling the next competitor.

Great question, I'm glad you are serious about this

bulging_boy 49M

11/12/2005 9:25 am

I understand the risks Pixie,

Sometimes though, we need to make a stand. The situation could be critical, we need to force back the heavy cloud of negativity.

Should we perish, we will go knowing that even in the face of danger... we stood up and trumpeted our all for blogland.

May those who post in her prosper

bulging_boy 49M

11/12/2005 9:27 am


Mine too! But this is a group effort with individual kudos at the end.

LOL at the end! God I crack myself up! Crack? LOL Jeez

bulging_boy 49M

11/12/2005 9:29 am

Viking! Dude!!!

Step away from the trailer with that naked flame! Fucks sake man... did you not see the signs?

Security! We have a flamer!

Hehehe. Don't you worry about SJ, she's very well balanced and experienced when it comes to fart appreciation.

rm_luke69iner 48M
3275 posts
11/12/2005 11:31 am

Yall are just gross I'm outta hear


S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo

bulging_boy 49M

11/12/2005 12:36 pm

Thank you Luke

All contributions greatfully received

No matter how SMALL


rm_bella_ 47F
4030 posts
11/12/2005 1:02 pm

Bulge...I love you and all but....I cannot participate...I would be laughing much to hard for my own good and then I sort of have a gag reflex...and if this ever got around blogland I would be finished!

bulging_boy 49M

11/12/2005 1:41 pm

You have a gag reflex Bella?

Oh my GOD

Mind you if you came into my trailer...

I'd be spent

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/12/2005 2:22 pm

LUKE - "phhtttttp"? THATS IT? JUST phhtttttp ?

I'm stunned the women are leading this competition so far.

phhtttttp sounds like you need to relax a little and unclench them butt cheeks luke. c' can do better...let er rip!

2.5 with .5 of it just cuz I adore your efforts at decorum

bulging_boy 49M

11/12/2005 3:53 pm


SJ? Over to you!

bardicman 50M

11/12/2005 5:07 pm

I ate a whole pound of skittles, a dozen boiled eggs, and a six pack of bud light. I am going for the "Taste the Rainbow" effect...

FFFFffffffffffffffffffFFFFFFFFFfffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrttt SQUIRT!

I am not dead yet

spinmedown 49M
3626 posts
11/12/2005 6:14 pm

No bottoming out?
No wet hot sizzlers?
No flamers?
Where's the love?
Where's the compassion?
Where's the sense of high adventure and reckless bravado, the daring Doo?
I guess I'm just gonna sit this one out.
They sound the best on a metal folding chair: too bad all I've had to eat today is popcorn.

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde

bulging_boy 49M

11/12/2005 6:56 pm


You are the Willie Wonka of farts!

Congratulations... that was beautiful

It brought me in mind of Guy Fawkes

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
11/12/2005 7:20 pm

Spinmedown... LMAO


It was a mouser.


rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/12/2005 7:20 pm

way to go sil!
it had a good beat & i could dance to it, I'd give it an 8.5

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/12/2005 7:30 pm

Bard! OMG! LOL

Bulge? are you allowing professionals in this contest?
I thought this was for amateurs?
I think bard's a ringer...and I aint cleanin' that mess up.

9.0 it would have been a perfect 10 but the French judge is being difficult & very...ummm..French

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/12/2005 7:45 pm

Trav - sorry, I would have scored your latest entry sooner, but I was out getting the gas mask concession.

nice one..well balanced. just the right combination of music & disgust.

Synn74 42F
1206 posts
11/12/2005 8:45 pm

Why do I suddenly have the thoughts of laughing farts in my head..
ya know the type where the harder alaugh the louder and longer a fart..

sheesh BB see what you started

I welcome you to the House of Syn...

bulging_boy 49M

11/12/2005 9:24 pm

nikki I'm glad you are staying behind the roped off area

So good to see responsible smokers today!

bulging_boy 49M

11/12/2005 9:26 pm

Come now spin,

You can still enter, but this one is all about the gas.

Popcorn is all good. Come on get back in line!

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
11/12/2005 9:44 pm

Spinmedown... LMAO

Bard... OMG... ewwww

Good one Trav

Here's mine ---> "pft"

It's the "mouser".


rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/12/2005 10:18 pm

LOL blonde the french judge loved your petite poof


rm_luke69iner 48M
3275 posts
11/12/2005 10:41 pm

Damn ... smells like a possum exploded around here

They got all them scent squirting machines now that people buy for their home. How come they ain't got some kind of air freshener machine for farts?

Hey pull my finger ... mmmn smells like lilacs ... nice

Wait get you’re head on down there and smell this new scent it's called Autumn Breeze

S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo

bulging_boy 49M

11/12/2005 10:45 pm

nikki I will be competing shortly,

I'm just finishing off this rotten chicken pie

rm_saintlianna 45F
15466 posts
11/12/2005 10:47 pm

I guess I would have to to for the combo known as the cough&fart. And watch this dismount.....poof! Ta-DA.

anchcpl4fun 40M/44F

11/13/2005 12:25 am laughing to hard to even try.....OY.....and its so not fair, i can feel myself getting lightheaded, someone HELP ME......

rm_JustCallMeDT 50F

11/13/2005 12:28 am

lmao **hangs head**

I knew I shoulda skipped coming by here at 2am...

SJ???? lmfaoooooooooooo...what have they done to you???

tillerbabe 56F

11/13/2005 1:29 am

Standing by with my fire extinguisher... LMAO!

AlbertPrince 58M

11/13/2005 3:38 am

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

AlbertPrince 58M

11/13/2005 3:38 am

I would love to enter this, but my 8 pints and a curry last night would make it far too dangerous.

bulging_boy 49M

11/13/2005 3:56 am

Synn perhaps you could take advantage of your situation and try entering.

Remember that *every* contestant regardless is doing their own bit for Blogland

bulging_boy 49M

11/13/2005 3:59 am


Head down there? No way buddy no way. I aint puttin my head down in Hurricane country

bulging_boy 49M

11/13/2005 4:04 am


Nadia Comaneci couldn't have pulled that pirouette dismount off any better in her hey day!

I am truly impressed. Thanks for bringing some culture.

Now if you could just stand and wait for the judges score

bulging_boy 49M

11/13/2005 4:06 am

Hiya anch,

Here take my hand... It looks like you wandered out of the competitors line. Just wait until the steward gives you the green light to go in.

Best of luck, and deep breaths

bulging_boy 49M

11/13/2005 4:07 am

DT I think you should be thankful you did skip by now.

Any later and you may well have slipped.

bulging_boy 49M

11/13/2005 4:10 am


My heartfelt thanks to you for volunteering your time like this to keep the event safe.

You are a testiment to your profession.

Thank you again

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/13/2005 8:09 am

saintli - *applause* such grace, such style! you nailed that dismount!

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/13/2005 8:26 am

Trav! That was a beautiful thing! Musical, great extension and near perfect execution....

However, I'm afraid we cannot score this entry. The Russian judge has filed a protest. It seems he detected the distinct odour of sandlewood and cabbage, which is the telltale sign of a performance enhancing drug.

Please take your dented metal chair and report to the testing area immediately.

rm_saintlianna 45F
15466 posts
11/13/2005 8:44 am

So, does that mean I "stuck" my dismount? 7.5 what are you, the Transylvanian judge?

XesSex03 50M/49F

11/13/2005 8:54 am

Have to keep it ladylike.


Mrs. Xes

bardicman 50M

11/13/2005 9:53 am

I am feeling the rainbow now.I knew I should have brought a change of underwear with me..

To the French judge... I Fffffart in your general direction frenchie french man!!

I am not dead yet

bulging_boy 49M

11/13/2005 12:29 pm

Somehow Prince

Given your upbringing and just general learned behaviours,

I'm guessing that wasn't the reason your Dad was kicked out!

bulging_boy 49M

11/13/2005 12:30 pm

And don't wuss out on us now.

Curry and beer? Mate... you're almost home with that mix

bulging_boy 49M

11/13/2005 12:34 pm

Ooooh Saint, the visuals from that are just painful.

I really hope you didn't.

If you wan't a second opinion on the nailing though...

bulging_boy 49M

11/13/2005 12:35 pm

Holy FUCK everyone!

Did you see that?

Mrs Xex just farted out a whole cloud of talcum powder!

bulging_boy 49M

11/13/2005 12:43 pm

Right... looks like my turn now.

I'm having second thoughts about that pie I ate now!

*stomach grumbling*

[Checks pants, grabs collander and holds it behind arse, bends over]


oh dear god, this fucking hurts



Where the fuck's the collander?

I am SO sorry whoever's next... really!

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/13/2005 1:47 pm

Saintli - you did indeed stick,embedded, affix, attach, cement, fuse, glue,or otherwise impale that was that damn French judge ...shes smoking Gaulloises and muttering something about being an atheist & not believing in saints..the bitch!

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/13/2005 1:58 pm

Mrs X - 9.0 mostly due to degree of difficulty. wheres luke? i need to apologize for telling him NOBODY'S farts smelled good. I swear it smells like fresh pears in here....

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/13/2005 2:34 pm

*clasping gas mask firmly in place* gawwwdddd bulge, did something crawl up you & die?

score? 6.5

9.5 if you promise to NEVER do that again.

This might be a good time to take a break & call in the haz-mat team

bardicman 50M

11/13/2005 2:43 pm

OK this butthole flapper is for the french judge who rates a powdery fluff with a grandstanding tecnicolor vapor crap!!


I am not dead yet

2xTwiceShy 51M
470 posts
11/13/2005 5:59 pm

Lifting one leg...


Excuse me, I need to change my shorts.

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/13/2005 7:36 pm

i'm sorry trav, we cannot accept any further entries from you until the results of your drug screen are in. The lab assures me they will be back soon. The lab tech was very impressed with you...said it was the first time she'd ever seen anyone pee directly into the test tube rather than use a cup.

of course she also said it was the first time she'd ever seen anybody's penis fit all the way in a test tube...

XesSex03 50M/49F

11/13/2005 8:36 pm

***nagging in background***
No dear I can't... really, this is... c'mon it's embarrassing...
***pushed onto stage***
c'mon guys, I don't... could somebody clean this stage?... really I didn't want...
Oh... alright... UUNNNNGGGHHHHHH... see, I can't... what?... I did try... OK here goes... thbbt... see, I'm so embarrassed... eeewwww... was that ice cream?
***passes out in green cloud***

Mr. Xes

Sweetest_Sin_Jes 36F

11/13/2005 9:32 pm

Ewww Trav...look what you did!


I'm going to pass out now!


bulging_boy 49M

11/14/2005 12:21 am

Can someone call a medic?

We have a contestant down. Repeat. We have a contestant down!

bulging_boy 49M

11/14/2005 12:25 am

Ok Jess Ok...

I'll catch ya.

Come and rest in here. I'll help you recover, by wafting that horrible smell away.

with yer top!

MisterPriapus 57M
6980 posts
11/15/2005 3:30 pm

Alright, I've been saving this up now for the four days since the competition farted, errr, started, so I'd ask for a minimal 4 meter closure distance between the audience and my orifice, and a Level A Containment Suit for our delightful judge SJ would be strongly advised, as well.

I've spent the 4 days in strenuous training; eating massive quantities of babaganoush, cole slaw, kimchee, hard-boiled eggs, and a 50 pound sack of generic dog food kibble, all washed down with a cumulative total of 29 gallons, one pint, and half a gill of Mr. Guiness' finest Stout.

Fair warning to all y'all- my farts are a lot like gardenias: if you touch 'em, they turn brown. OK, now that the disclaimer's outta the way, I really gotta submit my entry, like NOW!!!

(Teeth clenched in a goofy grimace, left eye crossing inwards while a bubble of snot forms, expands prodigiously, and pops...)


(Cut to stock footage of a Tactical Nuclear Strike)


(Iris in to early '60's "Duck, Cover, and Hide" footage of outlying buildings, cars, and livestock getting pasted by 700 mph shock blast)


(Dissolve to Sara Connor's LA nuclear vision in the Terminator movie)


(Fade to CGI sequence of the Big Bang)


(Cue disposable diaper commercial)


(Maximally contended sigh)

(Glances around in bewilderment)

Fuck me running backwards! It looks like I landed in the closing scene of Nevil Shute's On The Beach!

Sorry, Bulge!!! Send me the dry-cleaning bill…


Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.

And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!



bulging_boy 49M

11/15/2005 5:11 pm

dry cleaning bill?

Fucks sake man! I had to wait a day to dry out myself just so I could answer you.

Let me just chip SJ out, and I'm sure she'll give you the score you deserve.

Providing she can speak.

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/15/2005 6:22 pm

thank you B, it was dark under there & i was that I'm out & see whats left of the trailer...I'm terrified.

MrP..THAT was glorious, right up to the part where i got buried.

it seems the French judge is unable to cast her vote. she was knocked unconscious...i'm not sure if it was the vibrations or if it was a flying chunk of something...

this one is a PERFECT 10!!!!!

it had music, originality, volume & special effects! well done

* the results of Trav's drug screen are in & other than what the lab tech described as a "buttload of kiwi juice", no illegal substances were found.*

anchcpl4fun 40M/44F

11/16/2005 5:48 am

OMG i need a tissue, cuzz the stench is making me cry, and the penis fitting into the test tube just made me that much worse, OMFG that was priceless......

MisterPriapus 57M
6980 posts
11/16/2005 3:27 pm


Sorry about the mess, chum! I didn’t intend on unleashing a tsunami on your ass… errr, outta my ass…

I’ll gladly pay for the excavator, dumpsters, and landscaping bills… sure wasn’t planning on defoliating the neighborhood…


Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.

And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!



MisterPriapus 57M
6980 posts
11/16/2005 3:53 pm


My apologies for the unintended interment… I blame the garbanzos for that. Thank God for that Level A suit with self-contained air, huh?

Guess the French judge didn’t heed the warning. I’ll be certain to send her a nice fruit basket in the ICU. Lotsa fiber, that’s the ticket for a speedy recovery!

A perfect 10?!!! Oh, I am so deeply moved! *pppbrrt!* Oops, sorry, again… wrong kind of movement

(Wiping tears of joy away… sulfurous compounds probably contributing a little to eyes watering)

Oh my Gawd… I’m afraid I’m about to go all Sally Fields, here…

PS: ROFL “Kiwi Juice”!!!


Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.

And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!



bulging_boy 49M

11/17/2005 12:18 pm


You guys are *all* sick!!!

All of you... take a good long look at yerselves in the mirror...

and say I'm all right!

Bulge said so.

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/17/2005 2:07 pm

Here in the states we prefer to say "I'm, 'aight."

I'm sooo not 'aight.


'aight is grossly overrated


bulging_boy 49M

11/17/2005 5:50 pm


You are soooo totally not not 'aight!

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