A (sort of zen) Blessing for Life  

buddhakana 62M
24 posts
8/11/2005 2:42 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

A (sort of zen) Blessing for Life


My fifth decade has much promise. This is the one that should tie it all together. I feel I am in the center of the powerful confluence of all the previous disparate and apparently unconnected components of my life to date. Significantly positive and life-building things are about to happen. This is the big Kahuna. It is going to be very exciting.

Ironic, really. At the moment things are a bit tense financially. The divorce, though cooperative had many hidden costs for me. The worst of the separation was, in retrospect the most intensely stressful and agonizing time of my life. Lots of cobwebs hangin’ around still. No real job at the moment, just a soft-money research subsidy that just barely covers the mortgage and bills. Divorce took the savings. Retirement account is a joke. My truck, a 20 year old 4X4 is busily retiring itself by progressively stopping working…brakes, electrical system, wipers, parking brake, horn…My refrigerator stopped working. The roof has to be re-roofed. I could go on.

My greatest fear is that I wake up tomorrow and discover that I am a fraud. The confident assertiveness that I bring to my profession is actually the hubris of incompetence, disguised. My ex-yin’s father (a very fundamentalist Christian) was right. My spiritual beliefs are relativistic crap; there really is only one true, dogmatic and inflexible perspective and I am definitely going to hell. Everyone is just smiling and clapping to be polite; I really can’t play the flute. The same spiritual beliefs that have me on the hot rails to hell were falsely motivated; I didn’t even believe them and just talked about it to pick up chicks and they didn’t even really like me and yes they were faking it.

And this is me on the verge of the most personally and professionally productive decade of my life.

There is a reason for my excitement, and it is Buddhist in nature. When I first met Zen Master Konpo I was very intimidated. His presence was substantial. Here was authenticity. He is my height, and I always remember him taller, looming over me. He has bushy eyebrows and the world’s most compassionate eyes. His eyes absorbed me. He saw directly into the painful truths of my life. I remember our first meeting.

I am very analytical by nature, and I kept after him about philosophical things. He stopped me and kindly said:

“In zen, we just sit.”

I still wanted to be analytical and philosophical and have a really cool conversation. He stopped me again and kindly (but a little more slowly) said:

“In zen, we just sit.”

I thought about that, and then wanted to know something about the philosophy of ‘just sitting.’ Could we analyze that a bit? His face, his eyes took on all the depth of compassion of the universe, a heavy sad burden filled with wisdom and hope and said, very, very slowly, carefully pronouncing each word:

“In zen, WE JUST FUCKING SIT.”

After that I learned to sit quietly.

And I learned something about zen by just sitting, and later we did in fact have lots of very cool conversations.

And I know that courage and compassion are unbreakable threads wound tightly together. Weave them into your behavior, your life and your soul. Make each breathing heartbeat resonate with them. Know your path is true.

We either take the next step with courage and compassion, or we don’t. Think of the opportunities that may never find life if we don’t.

Your body, vessel for this life. Live wisely. Live Happily. But live like you mean it. Best wishes.

rm_tradeandplay 47M/53F
15 posts
8/11/2005 9:57 pm

Always entertaining......and lyrical. And always leaving something for me to take with me. Thanks you for something to think about. Here's hoping this fifth decade will be the best for you. Hugs,Terry


lifeisablast333 54M

8/13/2005 9:48 pm

thanks for the story....good bloggin........


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